The Weeklyish Podcast

The Weeklyish Podcast is a regular entry in which the Deporters' principal authors ask four questions to each other on anything (even remotely) sports related. Admittedly, the "podcast" lacks certain characteristics normally associated with podcasts. For more information, see #5 in "The Rules of Engagement."

Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:

1) This will be a constant theme, but just so we are keeping track: Kevin Durant 06-07 Stats: 25.8 ppg/ 11.1 rbs/ 1.9 blk/ 1.9 stl/ 1.3 ast/ 47.3% fg/ 40.3% 3pt

Eric Gordon’s 07-08 Stats: 27.3 ppg/ 4 rbs/ .5 blk/ 2.3 stl/ 3.8 ast/ 55.3%fg/ 51.4% 3pt

Pretty good start....so are you on my Final Four bandwagon?

For the 8000th time, I like the Hoosiers. BUT I’m a born contrarian. And IU is going to have to beat a few Xaviers before I get excited. Plus, UNC and UCLA may be head and shoulders above the rest – a scenario that would leave solamente two slots for the Final Four.

Still slating the Hoosiers for the Elite Eight.

2) On a scale of 0 to infinity, how much more exciting are College Football Overtimes than NFL Sudden Deaths (i.e. UK vs. Tenn, LSU vs. Arkansas)?

Infinity and then some. Not to mention, college football overtimes = more air time for Erin Andrews and that = MORE COWBELL. So in reality college football is better by a factor of: (infinity + a bucket of BW3’s spicy garlic wings + a 12er of Bud Heavies)^2.

3) What in the hell happened to the Skins Game??? Stephan Ames, Zach Johnson, and Brett Wetterich??? Boom Boom is great, but ABC can't get anyone more exciting than those other three?

I can't imagine why anyone would watch this foursome do anything, golf or otherwise. Next year they should amend the rules and force players to carry three clubs: a driver, a sand wedge, and a putter. Then they should recruit John Daly, Bubba Watson, Rich Beem, and J.B. Holmes and play beer a hole (no problem anticipated). That would liven things up.

4) In 1988, were you on your couch watching this, as I was? Please note: Bill Raferty

Now THAT’s what I'm talking about (“Send it in Jerome!!!!).

Remember when Big Monday was Big Monday. Robitussin was a viable alcoholic substitute. And weekends were a lover's stroll at the beach.


Ah the good ole days.

Now think about our current lot in life: we're pond scum, counting down the seconds until we team up with PacMan Jones and Clifford Rozier for an eternity of janitorial services in hell. With that scorching prospect in mind, I say we go down swinging:

You know how bloggers try to get famous people to send in a picture or post a comment on their blog. Well fresh off our Cuban meltdown, I say we reante. I think we should make receiving a 2008 pic from Jerome Lane the NUMBER ONE PRIORITY of our blog. At the very least maybe we can find him and beg for a lowly comment.

How about THEM apples?

Ivan Drago's Question for Oil Can:

1) I think this is the best collegiate football season ever. That's right: EVER. The fact that 80,000 fans packed Arrowhead for #2 Kansas vs. #4 Missouri serves as another reminder of how improbable and incredible a season this is. Agree....or is my CFB toast merely overflowing with marmalade?

Well, you're notoriously overflowing with marmalade for all the wrong reasons, but yes, it's been ridiculously good season. AND it's the perfect example of why we need an 8 team playoff for college football. But to continue with your question, I've never seen so many good games and so many great overtime games. They have really been a pleasure to watch all season. You know it's a dream season when the Indiana Hoosiers make a bowl and Notre Dame looks like a high school football team. The stars have definitely been aligned.

Now for that playoff. An 8 team playoff, and then 15-20 stupid bowls. The NCAA would still get to have their lame bowls and would rake in MAD sponsorship dollars for the 8 team playoff. Plus the television audience for those games would be redonkulous. For once, we'd finally have a legitimate champion at the end of the season. This season has just been further proof that anyone can beat anyone, and I think if you took the top 8 teams this year, any one of them could win.

You'll probably dispute that idea, because that's how truly lost you are, but it is time.

2) There's nothing I hate more than watching NFL teams give up field position. That being said, can any team sanely kick to Devon Hester? Shouldn't every Bears' opponent aim for the sideline every single time and be done with it?

I didn't get to see the game, but after I read what Hester did, my first reaction was, 'No one will ever kick to this dude again'. And honestly, the Bears offense is so abysmal, I think opposing teams would be no worse off if they just took a knee on 4th down. I did a little statistical analysis and found that if teams did use that strategy, they would wind up forcing the Bears into an interception 84% of the time. Sounds like that is a pretty good option. With Captain Turnover playing QB, the only real shot the Bears have at scoring is Devin Hester. Although, with "my boy" Adrian Peterson running the ball, they may actually improve over the next couple of weeks....

And how can Hester not be a full time receiver???

3) Barry Bonds isn't making either of our Christmas card lists in this or any year. That being said, do you think MLB's investigation (which conveniently began after Mark McGuire retired) and the potential for a decent chunk of jail time is overly harsh? I get that it's perjury, and I'd love to see an asterisk by the HR record, but it's not like he's the lone cowboy sipping from the steroid soup.

It's been a total witch-hunt in regards to Bonds. You'd think he invented "The Clear". With that being said, he most likely did commit perjury which destroys the whole foundation behind our judicial system......I don't have any idea what that means. Basically, the dude lied under oath. Of course he should get thrown in prison. But I also hope that any of those other guys who "testified" in front of Congress and get named in the Mitchell investigation, share a cell with Barry.

My real hope is that in the future, the penalty for a failed drug test is a permanent ban from the respective sport. That would make it much easier on all of the commissioners,athletes, management, and fans. I think that is the only way to send a real message. Don't f'ing cheat. I'm no saint, but I just don't see this whole cheating ordeal. These guys are getting paid mucho dinero to do one thing, focus on their sport. That's it. Play the sport you've come to dominate, and work at it in the offseason to become the best player you possibly can. I'd give all of my teeth, excluding the front two, in order to trade places with any of these fools. This whole subject makes me want to vomit.

4) Your suggestion to have a reality show featuring every day yahoos (like yourself) wanting one more shot at becoming a pro athlete is the wurstest idea you've had in a decade. No one wants to see you work with the best trainers in the world, only to throw 65 mph beach balls as real hitters blast your best stuff to Neptune. I can't imagine something less watchable, other than Tyra Banks' model show. Please tell me you have a better idea for reality TV. Keep in mind, I'm already planning to dedicate an entire entry to destroying you on this topic.

And that, my friend, is why we should pull the plug on this Blog. The Red Sox dominated playoff baseball, Bonds has been indicted, A-Rod re-signed with the Yankees, the Pats are undefeated, college basketball has started with a bang, and terribly, Sean Taylor was murdered. Yet, you're couch potato butt wants to write about some stupid idea I came up with 2 months ago. That's really going to draw an audience, bro.

On a side note, what an awful tragedy in the death of Sean Taylor. It especially sucks when you hear the stories about him changing his lifestyle and becoming a better human being slash good father. He was living on the edge and getting into a lot of trouble in the past and he had finally gotten his life in order. For him to be murdered at the age of 24, and only a few feet from his 1 year old daughter, it's just really awful and a sad day for sports. It's another example that life is short no matter how you look at it. So enjoy it while you've got it.

The Weeklyish Podcast

Our podcast lasted exactly one week on a regular schedule. Kudos to us: the first of many irregularities. For more information on the Weekly Podcast: see #5 under the Rules of Engagement.

Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:

1) Our petition to rally support for Cuban might be the worst grass roots effort in the history of the world (I feel like a PR consultant for the Exxon Valdez). What's our next move: a) admit that nobody cares about our putrid existence b) double our efforts c) contact Cuban directly or d) go back to combing the desert?

To be honest, the lack of support for Project Cuban sent me into a tailspin, a la Maverick and Goose from Top Gun. I was borderline manic depressive and needed to collect my emotions before returning to the Blogoshpere. I believe that we went after the wrong demographic and it has since occurred to me that we should forgo any further attempt to rally the troops (i.e. the 5 people who read this) and stop any further talk about Cuban owning the Cubs. Put simply, it's not going to happen. He won't get a fair shot, and now we will be stuck with some dudes who made a bunch of money investing other peoples money, and whose hobbies include licking Bud Selig's and Jerry Reinsdorf's old, wrinkly nut sacks. The Cubs will forever be owned by people or groups who don't know what the hell they are doing and will not win a World Series in my lifetime (range: 1 minute up to 69 years). Go Tribe.

2) The Patriots are now less than even-money to win the Super Bowl on TradeSports. Meanwhile, the Colts are over 7-1. I know the Colts are banged up, and the road to the Super Bowl means playoff games in New England, but am I the only one who thinks these odds are a little skewed?

Yeah, you probably are. Put some money on the Colts, but look out for those Cowboys who may give you some better odds. As for me, I proclaim the Pats go 19-0, and win the Super Bowl. Average margin of victory from here on out, 17 points.

3) On the heels of Roy Williams foray into pizza delivery, who do you think would make the most tips as a deliveryman: Williams, Chad Johnson, or T.O.? Out of those three, who's the most likely to kill a customer on the job?

I guess TO would pull in more tips from the ladies, cause the dude is ripped to all hell. The whole Philadelphia driveway incident made me feel really bad about the way that I look in the mirror. I'm approaching StayPuff marshmellow status, and TO is approaching This is Sparta! status. He would rake in tips from the ladies.

I would probably have to go with TO for part duex also. He might accidentally slip some pills onto a pizza and cause an inadvertant customer overdose. Definitely wouldn't trust TO with my 'za.

4) What do you make of Martina Hingis' positive cocaine test during Wimbledon (which Hingis claims is inaccurate)? In all seriousness, Hingis would be one of my "top five least likely users of coca paste" in all of sports. Go on, I dare you, name five people that are less likely users. FYI, don't start your mental checklist
with the Cowboys or Pacers.

I nearly did a centuple take after hearing that blurb for the first time on ESPN. My first word was, 'Que?' I mean seriously, what was Hingis doing, banging rails off of Sergio's abs? This was absolutely one of the most shocking headlines of the year. Waiting for Chris Berman to throw out, Martina "Medellin" Hingis. I wonder if she was doing Bob White with her mom? I guess that would be kind of cool.

Five less likely users of nose candy:

1) Tiger Woods
2) Lance Armstrong
3) Tom Maled
4) Ryan Massey
5) Tony Montana

Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:

1) You hazed me after I stated that if Eric Gordon ends up being 75% of what Kevin Durant was, the Hoosiers will go to the Final Four. I looked at the numbers, and I've seen Eric Gordon play a game, finally. Want to reconsider? The dude is LEGIT, and he'll be the number one pick next year (sorry Hoosier fans).

Simmer down fool. I’m on board with Gordon. I’m just not willing to throw out Durant comparisons (for all the obvious reasons).

Durant was arguably the best collegiate player in twenty years (going back to David Robinson). Durant averaged 26 pts, 11 boards, 2 blocks, and earned All-Defensive team honors in the Big 12 -- while playing 36 minutes puurrrr game and committing a meager two fouls. PLUS, Durant elevated his game when it mattered. How about his 37/10/6/6 performance against the Jayhawks in the Big 12 Final. Need I say it: “redonkulous.”

Meanwhile Gordon is a 6 foot 3” shooting guard with one game of collegiate experience (against mighty Chattanooga). 1st pick in the draft? Brotha please. Put the Gordon parade on hold and treat yourself to a Lunesta (for everyone's sake).

2) On a scale of 1-10, while knowing that my Fantasy Football squad is 9 - 1, how awesome was my trade: Brian Griese for Steven Jackson? Dare I say, highway robbery?

The steam in my FF cauldron could blow an 800-lb iron lid through the roof: that’s how irate I am with this season.

My FF team has scored 80 points more than yours and 200 more than 60% of the league. Yet somehow you’re 9 – 1, and I’m 6 – 4 (in 4th place). Translation: every week you manage to play either 1) a team with half their players on bye or 2) a hung-over manager who can’t figure out who’s hurt/playing on Sunday. Seriously, how many weeks do I have to stare at StatTracker as you play an incomplete team?

Meanwhile, every cart donkey in the league (i.e. Damon Huard) explodes for 30 pts against me. Why? Because the world hates me.

I hope Steven Jackson gets caught doing lines with Martina Hingis.

3) With visual representation, who are the top 5 NBA teams'....cheerleading/dance squads? I love me some Laker girls.

#1: The Mavs. Our buddy Brent works for Cuban down in Dallas. He has referenced the Mavs dance team before; now I see why. The risqué click through pics make them worthy of the #1 slot. My personal favorite: Natasha (now that's a chair I'd like to sit in).

#2: The Suns. These girls are a not-so-subtle reminder that we need to blog from the Phoenix Open next year. A PGA tourney + a huge party + warm weather in February = dios mio. If the Suns' dance squad is on "the hill" at the 16th, I might need a relocation package. My personal favorite: Kaytie (how can I argue with that spelling).

#3: The Laker Girls. The league’s golden standard, but I honestly think they belong in the #3 slot. My personal favorite: Allison (always had a thing for the smart ones).

#4: The Miami Heat. Love the be-bop background music, followed by Michael Jackson moaning, and then a “swoosh” sound every time you click on a dancer. My personal favorite: Katherine (nice six pack).

#5: The Luvabulls. Best name in the league and worthy of the final spot for representing the windy city (nothing like a little home cooking). My personal favorite: Marianne (self-explanatory).

4) Keeping my answer to one of your questions in mind. The Cubs just dealt Jacque Jones (.285/ 5 HR/ 66 RBI) for.......Omar Infante (.271/ 2 HR/ 17 RBI), another utility infielder that plays 1st, 2nd, SS, 3rd, 4th, RF, LF, and Catcher.

What are your thoughts on that?

I’m sure you’re pleased with this trade as it's likely to free up playing time for one of your man crushes, Felix Pie.

Here's my take on Pie: he can’t hit a lick.

Your take on Pie: he’s young and he’s got spunk.

What everyone should be thinking: spunk is for Punky Brewster.

Granted, I was never a big fan of Jacque Jones either. JJ's annual walk-to-strikeout ratio is a crash course in “fractions that need to be inverted.” Meanwhile, Infante also appears to have a hammer-lock on whiffs at the plate. This trade may be an exercise in cloning.

The relevant part of the deal is the $$$: shipping JJ should give the Cubs more dinero for another arm. The trade mentions that the Cubs will “include cash in the deal to defray some of Jones’ salary.” Jones salary will be $5.6M in ’08 and Infante figures to make $2Mish next year. With the Cubs handing over an undisclosed sweetener, they’ll probably end up with $3Mish to use in the open market.

I’m down with the trade if it leads to other acquisitions.....or if the extra $3M keeps my Wrigley Field nachos at a reasonable price.

Gossip Girl > The NBA

Unlike my counterpart in these pages, I have trouble finding the fantastic in the NBA. I’m not enamored with the parts (regular tanking + lack o’ defense + the Eastern Conference + long-ass season) or their sum (another championship in the southwest). And yes, I’d rather watch the CW’s billionaire heiresses of the Upper East Side.

Granted, I know this acknowledgment will be viewed by many as verification that my cajones are shrinking at breakneck speed. If you're in that category, I offer this retort (a la Cosmo): “I would appreciate it if you would cease and desist so that I might be allowed to pursue my courtship with Gossip Girl unfettered.” Besides, Gossip Girl has rocketed to the #3 slot in my TV Top 5 (#1: Friday Night Lights, #2 House, #4 Heroes, #5 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

In other words, the NBA really isn’t in GG’s league.

What does this all mean (if anything)? In literal terms, it means that I’ll be watching the ‘07/’08 NBA season during commercials on the CW. On an average night that probably equates to ten minutes of live NBA action: a prefect allotment. Besides, if by chance something extraordinary happens (doubtful), I can always order Season 61 of the NBA on Netflix.

There’s one added bonus to only seeing snippets of games during flip-to’s and Sportscenter highlights: I’m in the position to make predictions based on very limited information. It’s like watching the NFL draft and knowing (!) that some player in the top 20 will flop because he looks slower than molasses during the five-second highlight montage that Mel Kiper wheels out. Examining the NBA, through the Gossip Girl looking glass, allows me to showcase my natural talents as a prognosticator while infuriating my friends who are TNT junkies. An ideal prospect.

So without further adieu, here are some predictions for this NBA season after one week one of “viewing.”

1) In a year of sports excellence in Beantown, the Celtics’ triumvirate (Pierce, Allen, and Garnett) has a chance to steal the cake. I don’t know how good they’ll be in the end, but you can tell: 1) these guys genuinely love basketball 2) they respect each other 3) they’re still in good physical condition 4) they’ll be competitive in the anemic East and 5) this is hands down the best storyline this year in the NBA.

2) Jeff Green’s “silky smooth” collegiate game will translate to “he’s a step too slow” in the NBA.

3) Andrew Bynum will have a breakout year. The kid has enough upside to make the Lakers one year and one (big) signee away from being very competitive in the West. Kobe stays put in LaLa.

4) Kevin Durant needs a crash course in shot selectivity. You can’t hoist fade away 27-footers and transition to the defensive end with a 24-second shot and the NBA’s up-tempo game (especially with the long rebounds that come off from behind the arc).

5) Dwight Howard’s ascent towards Mount Olympus takes another (long) stride forward this year. If the Magic make the playoffs, Howard finishes in the Top 5 in Player of the Year voting.

6) The Bulls will wish they had Tyson Chandler instead of Ben Wallace. I always thought Chandler’s game was underappreciated. Not to mention, he's only 25: there’s still upside in the tank. Ben Wallace’s best years are driving around the Motor City.

7) If given a choice, as I wait for Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf to return from commercials on the CW, I prefer the Warriors. When it comes to Nelly and the gang in Golden State: “I saw her face, and now I’m a believer.”

Editorial note: was hoping the Weekly Podcast would be posted today. It would have included a Cuban update of sorts. But Oil Can hasn't been heard from in days. He's probably down at Sammy O's Tavern throwing back Bud Heavies with Kramer and Storey. I'll give him an earful when he resurfaces.