Dear Santa,
You're dead to me. Going on twenty-four years now. In the literal sense anyway.
I remember the day the North Pole imploded. The day I learned you were a fraud. In that one moment, my sense of wonder gone forever. A nuclear winter at age six.
But now, a quarter century later, I'm prepared to give you a chance to make amends. We'll call it reparations for your fraudulent days.
I will candidly admit that your non-existence may hurt my chances, in this, my Christmas request. But I've decided to give you a shot anyway, even if the odds are a billion to one ("so you're telling me there's a chance"). Besides I've been nice this year, and at my age, naughty deserves recognition as well.
So without further adieu, here's my Christmas request.
Someday, I'd like a press pass to The Masters and The Kentucky Derby, so that I can write about the two sporting events which I love more than all the others combined. I want access to the Augusta greens, faster than bikini-wax. And I went to be on the backside when dawn breaks at the Downs. I want to be there, and I want to write about all the factoids which never get mentioned.
What time you need to be at 16th for a green-side seat on Sunday. The best mint julep vendor inside Churchill Downs. The shortest line for the fabled pimento cheese sandwiches on the Augusta grounds. The astrologer on Southern Parkway who bets superfectas in the 4th race. And the U.S. Mid-Amateur winner whose every stride at Augusta feels like an answered prayer, especially through Amen Corner.
I want to write about the personalities and snippets that never get mentioned -- the stories never worthy of print.
So that's my Christmas wish Santa. See what your elves can do. In the interim I'll continue to refine my prose (if I'm allowed to call it that).
If it ever comes to be, an aging child with an affinity for KY bourbon will be grateful forever. I'll even hammer out some toys for you in the off-season. If a cotton-headed ninny-muggins like Will Farrell can earn his keep on the North Pole, I can too.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sen. Mitchell meets Malcolm Gladwell (Roids Pt. III)
My counterparts made some solid (passionate) points below. But by in large, I happen to disagree with their takeaway. If only we could find some means to wager on our differences of opinion. Gentlemen, I challenge thee: find a bet for us out of the Roids Report.
Let's break the law on our own terms.
Anecdotally, the $20M Mitchell spent doesn’t bother me in the least -- not when prescription drug bills (more/less written by Big Pharma) cost $800 BILLION MORE than Congress estimates. $20M: that’s not even a rounding error on the 847th page of a prescription drug bill.
There’s everyday governmental pork. Then there’s loin for the state fair. And healthcare could host a 4-H for all of Manhattan.
Alright, sorry about the diatribe, just had to get that off my chest.
Back on the subject at hand, I don’t blame the players per say, though I’d like to see anyone found guilty of steroid usage banned for life. They knew they were breaking the rules and they broke them anyway. What sort of message does it send if the League's reprimand starts with an amnesty program.
I don’t blame the players' union either; a union is null and void the day it stops representing its members' wishes. You can't fault the elected messenger (Fehr) if the members aren't clamoring for change.
In reality, any time there’s money on the line people will be inclined to cheat. Raise the stakes and make the playing field worth millions: you’re going to get more than a few takers. Accordingly, there are only two groups that could have brought the steroid era to its knees: non-users (players) and the League itself.
The fact that so few players were willing to expose (or even talk about) Extreme Makeover: Baseball Edition, shows how prevalent usage really was. The way I see it, non-users wouldn’t have allowed the likes of Hundley, Sosa, or Matthews Jr. -– players who underwent transformation a la the Incredible Hulk and then cashed in -- to nab huge contracts, taking from their own slice of the pie. They wouldn’t have allowed them to get away with that unless usage was an accepted part of the clubhouse.
I’m not suggesting that Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. welcomed drug usage into their dugouts. Rather, I bet most rumors were swept aside before they made waves with the elders. Besides, who wants to rock a ship that’s getting more crowded by the day?
Who does that leave? You betcha. I blame Major League Baseball.
A decade before Sosa and McGuire battled for 62, there were rumors of steroids in the game. And MLB did nothing. They did nothing in the 80s and nothing in the 90s. Only now, after a Congressional investigation and Jose Canseco's smoking needle, is the front-office pleading hands-on involvement.
“We will do what the report recommends.” You gotta be kidding me Selig. You don’t belong with Skilling or Lay, but you’re no Boy Scout either. You saw the packed stadiums and took a pass on investigating their causation. In your own way, you backdated a few (BALCO-laden) stock options and cashed in on the added juice of the game. Your actions (or lack thereof) will probably earn you another seat on a corporate Board, but in actuality you belong with Wynona Ryder: guilty of an undercover shopping spree.
But after the smoke settles and we're left to evaluate the ashes, I do think this report will matter. This report, with its canceled checks and magnifying glass pointed at the Rocket, might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Outwardly, conversationally, and even at the ballpark, we’ve talked about the Steroid Era in certain terms. But until last week, it was mainly just talk and a few minor suspensions. And whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of fans were still playing dumb: citing Bonds, Sosa, and Giambi as an unrepresentative minority.
No mas.
Sixty-eight names. Enough for an all-star at every position. And for dessert: a 99 mph fast-ball aimed at the best pitcher in a generation.
A cooperative trainer with long-standing relationships and records. Canceled checks all over the place, dating back for years (nobody will accuse these players of ignoring GAAP). And days after the Report, Andy Petite has already come forward, admitting he used HGH.
It smells a whole lot like da truth.
Mitchell’s influence may not be measurable or immediately felt. Baseball will be played in the spring, and the crowds will be bigger than ever. But MLB's front-office, toothless to-date, is finally starting to get its act together.
That's what happens when you get caught: you pay a fine, feign responsibility, and move forward knowing that your indiscretions will be remembered -- whether you’re Exxon, or Enron, or FEMA.
So thanks Senator Mitchell. You anted a few paltry paper clips. A few memorable ounces. But that meager addition may have been enough to tip the scales forever.
I think we've got ourselves an era.
Let's break the law on our own terms.
Anecdotally, the $20M Mitchell spent doesn’t bother me in the least -- not when prescription drug bills (more/less written by Big Pharma) cost $800 BILLION MORE than Congress estimates. $20M: that’s not even a rounding error on the 847th page of a prescription drug bill.
There’s everyday governmental pork. Then there’s loin for the state fair. And healthcare could host a 4-H for all of Manhattan.
Alright, sorry about the diatribe, just had to get that off my chest.
Back on the subject at hand, I don’t blame the players per say, though I’d like to see anyone found guilty of steroid usage banned for life. They knew they were breaking the rules and they broke them anyway. What sort of message does it send if the League's reprimand starts with an amnesty program.
I don’t blame the players' union either; a union is null and void the day it stops representing its members' wishes. You can't fault the elected messenger (Fehr) if the members aren't clamoring for change.
In reality, any time there’s money on the line people will be inclined to cheat. Raise the stakes and make the playing field worth millions: you’re going to get more than a few takers. Accordingly, there are only two groups that could have brought the steroid era to its knees: non-users (players) and the League itself.
The fact that so few players were willing to expose (or even talk about) Extreme Makeover: Baseball Edition, shows how prevalent usage really was. The way I see it, non-users wouldn’t have allowed the likes of Hundley, Sosa, or Matthews Jr. -– players who underwent transformation a la the Incredible Hulk and then cashed in -- to nab huge contracts, taking from their own slice of the pie. They wouldn’t have allowed them to get away with that unless usage was an accepted part of the clubhouse.
I’m not suggesting that Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. welcomed drug usage into their dugouts. Rather, I bet most rumors were swept aside before they made waves with the elders. Besides, who wants to rock a ship that’s getting more crowded by the day?
Who does that leave? You betcha. I blame Major League Baseball.
A decade before Sosa and McGuire battled for 62, there were rumors of steroids in the game. And MLB did nothing. They did nothing in the 80s and nothing in the 90s. Only now, after a Congressional investigation and Jose Canseco's smoking needle, is the front-office pleading hands-on involvement.
“We will do what the report recommends.” You gotta be kidding me Selig. You don’t belong with Skilling or Lay, but you’re no Boy Scout either. You saw the packed stadiums and took a pass on investigating their causation. In your own way, you backdated a few (BALCO-laden) stock options and cashed in on the added juice of the game. Your actions (or lack thereof) will probably earn you another seat on a corporate Board, but in actuality you belong with Wynona Ryder: guilty of an undercover shopping spree.
But after the smoke settles and we're left to evaluate the ashes, I do think this report will matter. This report, with its canceled checks and magnifying glass pointed at the Rocket, might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Outwardly, conversationally, and even at the ballpark, we’ve talked about the Steroid Era in certain terms. But until last week, it was mainly just talk and a few minor suspensions. And whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of fans were still playing dumb: citing Bonds, Sosa, and Giambi as an unrepresentative minority.
No mas.
Sixty-eight names. Enough for an all-star at every position. And for dessert: a 99 mph fast-ball aimed at the best pitcher in a generation.
A cooperative trainer with long-standing relationships and records. Canceled checks all over the place, dating back for years (nobody will accuse these players of ignoring GAAP). And days after the Report, Andy Petite has already come forward, admitting he used HGH.
It smells a whole lot like da truth.
Mitchell’s influence may not be measurable or immediately felt. Baseball will be played in the spring, and the crowds will be bigger than ever. But MLB's front-office, toothless to-date, is finally starting to get its act together.
That's what happens when you get caught: you pay a fine, feign responsibility, and move forward knowing that your indiscretions will be remembered -- whether you’re Exxon, or Enron, or FEMA.
So thanks Senator Mitchell. You anted a few paltry paper clips. A few memorable ounces. But that meager addition may have been enough to tip the scales forever.
I think we've got ourselves an era.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Bitchell Report, Pt 2
Okay, I just got done reading the whole report. Seriously, It reads like something I wrote in college the night before it was due, with a killer hangover and too little research.
The stunningly repetitive “report’ says the same thing over and over and over. And that would be fine, if it said anything new, but it doesn’t. It basically is a compendium of every steroid story you’ve heard over the years. It is cobbled together from police reports and old news stories. i mean, come on, a United States Senator has to use 20 million dollars to quote a 2002 article from USA TODAY, featuring the blockbuster revelations of Todd Zeile?
Here are the three things I took from it.
The first is how the media has absolutely and unequivocally messed this whole thing up from the very start. Originally, they are complicit in not pushing the issue of steroids earlier. The national past time was eroding in front of our collective face, and where was the Fourth Estate? Right there, but saying nothing. Every paper has beat writers who follow these teams, every network has the same. These reporters can routinely be heard in their columns, on TV or the radio, spouting off about the access they have to the players. Yet in the “Report” , and in my memory, there were only a handful of in-depth, far reaching investigative reports over the years. The kind that really put a spotlight on the problem. And most of those seem to be the foundation for this “report”. And now that the "report" is here, no one is calling this thing out. Check out Espn’s Page2 links to newspaper coverage from across the country. Almost every thing I’ve seen is all about how the scathing “report” has ousted the likes of Matt Herges and Mike Lansing. So what? How dare they give credit for the “outing” of Canseco, Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield, Camminitti and the likes to Mitchell! How hard is it to include Rafael Palmero in your "report"? The only surprises at all were Clemens and ,even more so to me, Andy Pettite. Otherwise it was only a regurgitation of what we knew and no one is holding MLB’s feet to the fire.
Which is my second thought, that this whole thing is a dog and pony show for MLB and will be used to cover up the issues. The “report” mentions numerous times how a drug policy was always secondary (at best) to economic issues at the bargaining table. MLB has just broken attendance records for the 4th year in a row (something like 75 million people attended MLB games last year). They constantly tried to discredit Canseco, which should have been easy if not for his telling the truth, but were unable to sweep the steroids under the rug when his book came out and prompted the Senate Hearings. So they get noted tobacco lobbyist and RED SOX DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS George Mitchell to run an “investigation”. That’s like appointing Alberto Gonzales as special prosecutor in a Bush impeachment. How hard did they try? They did 600 interviews. Great. 68 were players. Okay. 23 were Red Sox. Whaa? So only around 10 percent of your interviews are with players and roughly a third a from the same team? No wonder they couldn’t find weapons of mass destruction. That’s why you don’t have an owner as commissioner. Especially Bud Selig. Has he ever inspired confidence in anyone? I like the part where Mitchell recounts the story of Selig going to the mall to see if GNC indeed sells andro over the counter. Classic. How out of touch is this guy. And how badly does Donald Fehr own him?
Which is my third point. Donald Fehr is Biff Tannen, Selig is George McFly, and we the fans are all the other kids in town that have to deal with Biff’s shit. The players Union is killing baseball. How about the downright refusal to give Senator Mitchell access to relevant documents or the guy that does the drug testing. They wouldn’t LET the US Senator in charge of a steroid investigation talk to the freaking drug screener. Amazing. And how about the part where they describe how the PU runs interference for several weeks before a player is actually tested for anything. Unreal. Privacy issues? Come on now. At least try not to smirk when you say this stuff Donald.
Which leads me to propose Deportation for Donald Fehr. I hope they sic dogs on him.
The stunningly repetitive “report’ says the same thing over and over and over. And that would be fine, if it said anything new, but it doesn’t. It basically is a compendium of every steroid story you’ve heard over the years. It is cobbled together from police reports and old news stories. i mean, come on, a United States Senator has to use 20 million dollars to quote a 2002 article from USA TODAY, featuring the blockbuster revelations of Todd Zeile?
Here are the three things I took from it.
The first is how the media has absolutely and unequivocally messed this whole thing up from the very start. Originally, they are complicit in not pushing the issue of steroids earlier. The national past time was eroding in front of our collective face, and where was the Fourth Estate? Right there, but saying nothing. Every paper has beat writers who follow these teams, every network has the same. These reporters can routinely be heard in their columns, on TV or the radio, spouting off about the access they have to the players. Yet in the “Report” , and in my memory, there were only a handful of in-depth, far reaching investigative reports over the years. The kind that really put a spotlight on the problem. And most of those seem to be the foundation for this “report”. And now that the "report" is here, no one is calling this thing out. Check out Espn’s Page2 links to newspaper coverage from across the country. Almost every thing I’ve seen is all about how the scathing “report” has ousted the likes of Matt Herges and Mike Lansing. So what? How dare they give credit for the “outing” of Canseco, Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield, Camminitti and the likes to Mitchell! How hard is it to include Rafael Palmero in your "report"? The only surprises at all were Clemens and ,even more so to me, Andy Pettite. Otherwise it was only a regurgitation of what we knew and no one is holding MLB’s feet to the fire.
Which is my second thought, that this whole thing is a dog and pony show for MLB and will be used to cover up the issues. The “report” mentions numerous times how a drug policy was always secondary (at best) to economic issues at the bargaining table. MLB has just broken attendance records for the 4th year in a row (something like 75 million people attended MLB games last year). They constantly tried to discredit Canseco, which should have been easy if not for his telling the truth, but were unable to sweep the steroids under the rug when his book came out and prompted the Senate Hearings. So they get noted tobacco lobbyist and RED SOX DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS George Mitchell to run an “investigation”. That’s like appointing Alberto Gonzales as special prosecutor in a Bush impeachment. How hard did they try? They did 600 interviews. Great. 68 were players. Okay. 23 were Red Sox. Whaa? So only around 10 percent of your interviews are with players and roughly a third a from the same team? No wonder they couldn’t find weapons of mass destruction. That’s why you don’t have an owner as commissioner. Especially Bud Selig. Has he ever inspired confidence in anyone? I like the part where Mitchell recounts the story of Selig going to the mall to see if GNC indeed sells andro over the counter. Classic. How out of touch is this guy. And how badly does Donald Fehr own him?
Which is my third point. Donald Fehr is Biff Tannen, Selig is George McFly, and we the fans are all the other kids in town that have to deal with Biff’s shit. The players Union is killing baseball. How about the downright refusal to give Senator Mitchell access to relevant documents or the guy that does the drug testing. They wouldn’t LET the US Senator in charge of a steroid investigation talk to the freaking drug screener. Amazing. And how about the part where they describe how the PU runs interference for several weeks before a player is actually tested for anything. Unreal. Privacy issues? Come on now. At least try not to smirk when you say this stuff Donald.
Which leads me to propose Deportation for Donald Fehr. I hope they sic dogs on him.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Senator George "Stop Calling me Joni" Mitchell's Report
I. "Joni Mitchell Never Lies" -Q-Tip
I admit it, I bought into the whole "this will be a day that changes the future of sports". I spent about 6 hours at work actually listening to ESPN Radio on the Internet. I listened to Sen. Mitchell's talk and then listened to some analysis and then I listened to Commissioner Selig's speech. Afterwards, it reminded me of that t-shirt that says, "I shaved my balls for this?".
Essentially, the report was partly filled with hearsay and partly filled with copies of checks. Sen. Mitchell spent 20 million dollars to find 70-some names in a 10-15 year history of the steroid era. He was able to find 2 guys to squeal like pigs, that's right, 2. But at least he exposed some serious figures in baseball history: Glenallen Hill, Todd Hundley, Brian Roberts......uhhhh what? Of course, we did get some information on Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite, but really, that was it. Some of the names listed had harder evidence, some had little evidence. Did anyone hear David Justice's rebuttal today? It was pretty legit, and to be honest, I believe him. Makes you wonder why David Justice would vehemently deny using steroids, while Roger Clemens would have his attorney spout off some gibberish. The point is, if there wasn't hard evidence, any of these players could deny it, and it wouldn't be a problem.
I believe that it would really be impossible to chip away and discover all that happened during this pathetic era in baseball. For me, the hope is that baseball gets its head out of its ass and really adheres to a serious drug testing program. Be thorough, don't give any advance warning, and continue to increase the length of punishment. Show players and the general public that the use of banned substances won't be tolerated and that it will put a huge dent in the incomes of these players.
II. Don't Write a Check Your Butt/Drug Dealer Can't Cash
Checks? Those guys actually wrote checks for steroids/HGH? Really? Was I the only one who started to scan the PDF yesterday and did a double-take when I came across some check copies?
Over the years, I've heard the talk about how baseball is filled with some real dummies. Being that a majority of players come straight out of high school and into the pros or the minors, they are the least educated of all professional sports. Is this true? I can't say for certain and I don't know any professional baseball players personally. But I'll tell you this, that line of thought sure was validated yesterday! Baseball players must be dumb as rocks. Please tell me David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Rondell White, and Denny Neagle, that you didn't really write personal checks for your illegal substances. I'm almost positive that in the little memo section, Rondell White wrote 'muscles'. Glenallen Hill's memo section read, 'me want big arms, to drive ball across Waveland'.
I guess this just goes to show that if you are dumb enough to cheat and use HGH, you are dumb enough to write checks to your drug dealer. So the next time all you readers out there go to pick up your dime bags, don't forget to bring the check book.
Coming soon, part two of our Joni Mitchell report coverage.
I admit it, I bought into the whole "this will be a day that changes the future of sports". I spent about 6 hours at work actually listening to ESPN Radio on the Internet. I listened to Sen. Mitchell's talk and then listened to some analysis and then I listened to Commissioner Selig's speech. Afterwards, it reminded me of that t-shirt that says, "I shaved my balls for this?".
Essentially, the report was partly filled with hearsay and partly filled with copies of checks. Sen. Mitchell spent 20 million dollars to find 70-some names in a 10-15 year history of the steroid era. He was able to find 2 guys to squeal like pigs, that's right, 2. But at least he exposed some serious figures in baseball history: Glenallen Hill, Todd Hundley, Brian Roberts......uhhhh what? Of course, we did get some information on Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite, but really, that was it. Some of the names listed had harder evidence, some had little evidence. Did anyone hear David Justice's rebuttal today? It was pretty legit, and to be honest, I believe him. Makes you wonder why David Justice would vehemently deny using steroids, while Roger Clemens would have his attorney spout off some gibberish. The point is, if there wasn't hard evidence, any of these players could deny it, and it wouldn't be a problem.
I believe that it would really be impossible to chip away and discover all that happened during this pathetic era in baseball. For me, the hope is that baseball gets its head out of its ass and really adheres to a serious drug testing program. Be thorough, don't give any advance warning, and continue to increase the length of punishment. Show players and the general public that the use of banned substances won't be tolerated and that it will put a huge dent in the incomes of these players.
II. Don't Write a Check Your Butt/Drug Dealer Can't Cash
Checks? Those guys actually wrote checks for steroids/HGH? Really? Was I the only one who started to scan the PDF yesterday and did a double-take when I came across some check copies?
Over the years, I've heard the talk about how baseball is filled with some real dummies. Being that a majority of players come straight out of high school and into the pros or the minors, they are the least educated of all professional sports. Is this true? I can't say for certain and I don't know any professional baseball players personally. But I'll tell you this, that line of thought sure was validated yesterday! Baseball players must be dumb as rocks. Please tell me David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Rondell White, and Denny Neagle, that you didn't really write personal checks for your illegal substances. I'm almost positive that in the little memo section, Rondell White wrote 'muscles'. Glenallen Hill's memo section read, 'me want big arms, to drive ball across Waveland'.
I guess this just goes to show that if you are dumb enough to cheat and use HGH, you are dumb enough to write checks to your drug dealer. So the next time all you readers out there go to pick up your dime bags, don't forget to bring the check book.
Coming soon, part two of our Joni Mitchell report coverage.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Dumb and Dumberer
It hurts not having a college football playoff. It hurts all by itself.
Adding insult to injury, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are currently hosting the “ESPNU Championships" -- a hypothetical playoff scenario pitting sixteen of the nation's best CFB teams against each other.
The ESPNU Campionships are my early front-runner for an ESPY in the category: “dumbest idea of 2007.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t ease my current pain: the Gameday duo continues to throw salt on the Escalade-sized CFB wound.
Truthfully, I think all of ESPN’s hypothetical brackets are ultra dumb. Tiger vs. Lebron, ARod vs. Peyton – nobody cares. When 75,000 people vote for Oscar De la Hoya over Tanya Harding in the Midwest Nabisco Bracket it merely verifies that those 75,000 people are online every hour of every day. They’d vote 1,000 times in exchange for one frequent player point on PokerStars if they could.
On the other hand, it does make me wonder if ESPN concocted these Championships to fill some airtime. Discouraging if true. ESPN's vault should never be lacking in quality, original programming; they’re normally the gold standard.
But even the best among us struggle for ideas at times, which is why I’m volunteering my services. Below are four ideas for segments which ESPN should air (light years) before another ESPNU Championship. See what you think.
1) Poolside Chats with Erin Andrews (live from Mandalay Bay)
FDR had fireside chats. Erin should have poolside chats.
Talk about a ratings bump. What if Sportscenter ended every show with a bikini-laden Andrews, hosting impromptu interviews with professional athletes live from the pool at Mandalay Bay. If Bill Simmons’ sightings during random Vegas weekends are a representative sample, I don’t think Erin will have any trouble bumping into noteworthy guests.
Picture Sheed and Rip at the pool after a bender, floating on rafts with a quartet from The Spearmint Rhino. Erin wades over to the sextet, nabbing a few candid remarks from the stars. Sheed asks Andrews to pass the Courvoisier.
It’s ESPN’s answer to MTV’s Beach House. Viewers get to see the pros + their hos + Erin in a bikini. Sky is the limit.
2) A Collegiate Mascot Boxing Tourney ($1M: Winner-Take-All)
ESPN's track record with mascots is off the charts. Especially in their "This is Sportscenter" commercials. But hosting a $1M mascot boxing tourney is taking it to a whole other level.
The details need to be hammered out, buy my suggestion is three rounds per bout (single elimination). NCAA athletes could sit in their mascot's corner, taking on the role of trainer and coach. Highlights to be aired each day on Sportscenter.
Pay-per-view has to be salivating as well; an early round showdown between Sammy the Owl (Rice) and Captain Cane (Tulsa) is all but a foregone conclusion. And with a cool million on the line, maybe we’ll finally see what a Hoosier looks like.
If ESPN doesn't nail this down by spring, I'm calling Don King.
3) Figure Skating with Jermaine O’Neal and Manny Ramirez
This is the most unlikely duo I could fathom on ice.
Letterman once asked Barkley what he though about the Winter Olympics. Sir Charles chuckled and said, “brothers don’t do ice.” Well having a 7-footer in dreads at the rink has to give new meaning to Barkley’s words. Hell, I’d give ten bucks just to hear Jermaine say “triple-toe-loop.”
Meanwhile, Manny could do his kiss/kiss/wave routine -– the one that accompanies every homerun -- except his routine would be right before a double axle (Note to ESPN: this footage would be worth millions in resale to MasterCard for their “priceless” commercials).
Sure, EMS will have to be present at all times, but that just speaks to commitment -- quality sports programming comes with a few bruises.
4) A “Truth or Dare” segment with Dice-K and Maria Sharapova.
I can sum up this numeral's potential with Dice-K’s first word on air:
“Dare.”
Adding insult to injury, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are currently hosting the “ESPNU Championships" -- a hypothetical playoff scenario pitting sixteen of the nation's best CFB teams against each other.
The ESPNU Campionships are my early front-runner for an ESPY in the category: “dumbest idea of 2007.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t ease my current pain: the Gameday duo continues to throw salt on the Escalade-sized CFB wound.
Truthfully, I think all of ESPN’s hypothetical brackets are ultra dumb. Tiger vs. Lebron, ARod vs. Peyton – nobody cares. When 75,000 people vote for Oscar De la Hoya over Tanya Harding in the Midwest Nabisco Bracket it merely verifies that those 75,000 people are online every hour of every day. They’d vote 1,000 times in exchange for one frequent player point on PokerStars if they could.
On the other hand, it does make me wonder if ESPN concocted these Championships to fill some airtime. Discouraging if true. ESPN's vault should never be lacking in quality, original programming; they’re normally the gold standard.
But even the best among us struggle for ideas at times, which is why I’m volunteering my services. Below are four ideas for segments which ESPN should air (light years) before another ESPNU Championship. See what you think.
1) Poolside Chats with Erin Andrews (live from Mandalay Bay)
FDR had fireside chats. Erin should have poolside chats.
Talk about a ratings bump. What if Sportscenter ended every show with a bikini-laden Andrews, hosting impromptu interviews with professional athletes live from the pool at Mandalay Bay. If Bill Simmons’ sightings during random Vegas weekends are a representative sample, I don’t think Erin will have any trouble bumping into noteworthy guests.
Picture Sheed and Rip at the pool after a bender, floating on rafts with a quartet from The Spearmint Rhino. Erin wades over to the sextet, nabbing a few candid remarks from the stars. Sheed asks Andrews to pass the Courvoisier.
It’s ESPN’s answer to MTV’s Beach House. Viewers get to see the pros + their hos + Erin in a bikini. Sky is the limit.
2) A Collegiate Mascot Boxing Tourney ($1M: Winner-Take-All)
ESPN's track record with mascots is off the charts. Especially in their "This is Sportscenter" commercials. But hosting a $1M mascot boxing tourney is taking it to a whole other level.
The details need to be hammered out, buy my suggestion is three rounds per bout (single elimination). NCAA athletes could sit in their mascot's corner, taking on the role of trainer and coach. Highlights to be aired each day on Sportscenter.
Pay-per-view has to be salivating as well; an early round showdown between Sammy the Owl (Rice) and Captain Cane (Tulsa) is all but a foregone conclusion. And with a cool million on the line, maybe we’ll finally see what a Hoosier looks like.
If ESPN doesn't nail this down by spring, I'm calling Don King.
3) Figure Skating with Jermaine O’Neal and Manny Ramirez
This is the most unlikely duo I could fathom on ice.
Letterman once asked Barkley what he though about the Winter Olympics. Sir Charles chuckled and said, “brothers don’t do ice.” Well having a 7-footer in dreads at the rink has to give new meaning to Barkley’s words. Hell, I’d give ten bucks just to hear Jermaine say “triple-toe-loop.”
Meanwhile, Manny could do his kiss/kiss/wave routine -– the one that accompanies every homerun -- except his routine would be right before a double axle (Note to ESPN: this footage would be worth millions in resale to MasterCard for their “priceless” commercials).
Sure, EMS will have to be present at all times, but that just speaks to commitment -- quality sports programming comes with a few bruises.
4) A “Truth or Dare” segment with Dice-K and Maria Sharapova.
I can sum up this numeral's potential with Dice-K’s first word on air:
“Dare.”
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Sports Deporters Top 25: sponsored by Cuervo Black
Yeah, I know we're already done with a quarter of the season, but somethings just don't come together like you want them to. With that being said....wish you were there.
This is more of a year ending Top 25.
Super sleeper Daily Double come tournament time......if they get in, Belmont. 11 guys play over 10 minutes, so they won't wear down against super athletic teams. Justin Hare has a weird last name, but he can be lights out. Win some brackets with Belmont.
Predictions:
This is more of a year ending Top 25.
- North Carolina (29-2) - Is there really any need for explanation here? They have a legit Player of the Year candidate and the best point guard in the country who pushes the pace to breakneck speed. Aside from that, they have a truck full of McDonald's All-Americans who actually play roles. I think that is something that isn't talked about enough. They have some great high-profile guys who sacrifice for the team with secondary roles. The ACC looks pretty week so far and it appears the Heels won't be pressed for awhile. Looking forward to some showdowns with the Blue Devils.
- Kansas (27-4) - Their starting five is redonkulous and they have 3 seniors coming off the bench. It's another case where the young guys on the team have seen their fair share of battles and are very experienced. I don't like the fact that Brandon Rush doesn't look fully recovered from knee surgery this summer, but they should have enough depth to stay solid until he returns to form. They will be tested in what will be a deceptively tough Big 12. Player to keep an eye on: Mario Chalmers.
- UCLA (26-5) - Two championship games in a row for the Bruins, and the fun doesn't stop there. They've essentially only lost Aaron Aflalo from those runner-up teams, and he didn't seem to step up on the big games. Once Darren Collison returns from injury, this team will be destined for a third straight trip to the Final Four. Great player you've probably never heard of, Josh Shipp.
- Memphis (28-4) - As always, not sold on their ability to get to the Final Four. It's difficult to put them too low though, as their conference is weak. They are very talented, and Derrick Rose is another on the long list of great diaper dandies this year. He is legit, watch him if you can. Look for late games against Gonzaga and Tennessee to get a heat check on the Tigers.
- Indiana (24-8) - Partially biased. Allow me to reiterate, if Eric Gordon puts up stats that are at least 75% of what Kevin Durant put up last year, the Hoosiers will make it to the Final Four. They know Sampson's system now and will be getting AJ Ratliff back in a few weeks. Eric Gordon is a superstar and plays wiser than his age. DJ White looks to be warming up to the form that people were talking about this summer. They will at the top of an unusually weak Big Ten.
- Louisville (24-7) - Why this high? Well, we could start with Pitino. But really, they are a deep team that was a hair away from stirring up some trouble in the tournament last year. Even though they lost David Padgett for the year (this guy thinks Padgett was pretty overrated), they have a strong front court with Caracter and Clark, and have one of the country's best all around athletes in Terrence Williams. Throw in Edgar Sosa, who's been struggling this year, and you have yourself a Final Four contender. Let's hope that in the Kumite which is the Big East, they aren't the ones tapping out. (Yes, that was a Bloodsport reference.) Juan Palacios has been on this team for 13 years.
- Gonzaga (27-4) - These guys were a mushroom cap away from having a great season last year, and now that they get Josh Heytvelt (broken foot) back later this month, they are going to have that great season. The Zags play another brutal non-conference schedule, but they'll get through that mostly unscathed. They're definitely Elite Eight material and maybe more. Keep an eye on Jeremy Pargo.
- Tennessee (26-5) - My Wildcat Blue bias doesn't allow me to give a lot of love to the Vols, but this team is strong. They are both old and young, starting 2 Seniors and 3 Sophomores. Chris Lofton is as clutch as you can get and they have 11 guys playing over 11 minutes a game. That's deep. Player to watch and who has a great name, Wayne Chism.
- Georgetown (24-7) - As Big Roy goes, as this team will go. There's nothing like a great big man in the college game. The Hoyas are deep and play shut down defense. Everything will depend on Hibbert and their offense. If a couple guys step up late in the season, sure I could see them in the Final Four. I'd put my money on the Elite Eight though.
- Duke (27-4) - Boooooooo.......I mean.......they are athletic and seem to be playing really well thus far. I'm not a huge fan of Marquette and Wisconsin, so to me, I'm wondering if they have played anyone yet. I do like the win versus Davidson. Gerald Henderson is having a great sophomore campaign. I'll judge them in the UNC games. Could be higher, could be lower.
- Michigan State (25-6) - H to tha Izzo V to the Izzay. Izzo always has a tough squad to beat. I like them, but haven't gotten to see them yet. Keep an eye on Neitzel. I'm reserving most of my judgement, but know they'll be strong in the end. Will battle with the Hoosiers for the Big Ten title.
- Oregon (25-6) - Even though they lost Aaron Brooks, they may be better this year. I really like Malik Hairston and how can you not root for 5'6" Tajuan Porter, who's throwing up 15 points a game. Like I said, they may be better. I don't like the fact that they are playing 7 guys right now. Could be a sleeper.
- USC (23-8) - A very interesting team. I don't have them this high because they currently look like a playground squad thrown together. I don't have them this high because Tim Floyd is their coach. I do have them this high because they have uber talent and the top 8 guys in minutes are either a freshman or a sophomore. Give them 3/4ths of a season to get acclimated. After that, they may blow some doors off people. I swear Devon Jefferson hit his head on the roof slamming home a put back this week. Let's see how good OJ Mayo really is.
- Southern Illinois (24-7) - I love their defense and Randall Falkner. With that being said, I don't like the spanking from USC. Was that an anomaly? Not sure, I may have them too high. Wait and see approach, but I think they will be as good as always come tournament time.
- Washington State (25-6) - Who? I like Derrick Low, but I can't name another soul on their team. These guys are the no names who don't get a lot of respect. They have an upside in the lineage of their coach, but I don't think they have the chops yet to take it to the house. I'll give 'em the Sweet Sixteen and watch them get beat by a team with more talent.
- Texas A&M (24-7) - Oh how I wish DeAndre Jordan had followed Billy Gillespie to Kentucky. Talented team in a tough Big 12. They have some good senior leadership to go with some young talent. Keep an eye on Jordan to see if he improves twofold by the end of the year.
- Davidson (24-7) - Don't get fooled because of these early losses. These are the losses that make a team like Davidson a giant killer in the post-season. I love me some Stephen Curry. They'll have to hit 24 wins to get into the Dance, and if they do, I like 'em a lot.
- Butler (27-4) - They had a great year last year and then got a new coach. Didn't matter. They are playing great again this year and play a pretty solid non-conference schedule. I don't like that they barely play 7 guys, but they somehow get it done. AJ Graves is a strong senior leader for them and is just one of 20 or so brothers who have played mid-major college hoops. You gotta like that. I'll put them in the Elite Eight.
- Syracuse (21-10) - This is a long shot. Boeheim is playing 5 guys over 32 minutes a game. That's not conducive to having very much success, and the usually strong defense gave up 107 points at home to UMass. But, I think they have enough talent to beat some good teams. True freshman point guard Johnny Flynn is playing good ball and freshman big man Donte Green looks like a keeper also. The 'Cuse just needs a bench. Player you will enjoy watching, Eric Devendorf.
- Arizona (22-9) - Sophomore Budinger and Freshman Bayless give the Cats a nice 1-2 combo. Kevin O'Neil is playing 10 guys over 10 minutes and I like their mixture of old guys and new guys. Could see a resurgence in the Cats this year.
- Arkansas (21-10) - Gotta give some props to the Big Blue's own John Pelphrey for landing this job. It's a huge step up in competition from where he was. That could lead to a few growing pains early, but I think they will be strong in the SEC.
- North Carolina State (22-9) - The ACC isn't that deep this year and I like their coach Sidney Lowe. Keep an eye on Freshman JJ Hickson.
- Villanova (22-9) - Jay Wright has a very young team lead by Sophomore sharp-shooter Scottie Reynolds. He's a fun one to watch and by the end of the year, Wright will have his team ready to do some damage in the tournament.
- Marquette (23-8) - Marquette probably has the best back court combination in the land and that is definitely good come tournament time. I am very scared of their front court though. No good big men in sight. Tom Crean is a great coach and I think they will be a good call come tourney time. Have fun watching James and McNeal.
- Kansas State (23-8) - Bob Huggins sure did a lot in one year at Kansas State. He brought in Michael Beasley. Michael Beasley, 6'9" 235lb. freshman averaging 25 points and 15 rebounds. Stud. He'll be the number one pick next year over "my boy" Eric Gordon. If the rest of the young guys step up, I think K State could be a surprise. Sweet Sixteen.
Super sleeper Daily Double come tournament time......if they get in, Belmont. 11 guys play over 10 minutes, so they won't wear down against super athletic teams. Justin Hare has a weird last name, but he can be lights out. Win some brackets with Belmont.
Predictions:
- Final Four (per Bracketology): UNC, UCLA, Tennessee, Indiana
- Playa of the Year: Michael Beasley
Monday, December 3, 2007
A League Of My Own (Or Three)
Oil Can, Ivan, thanks for the intro and the invite. Usually it's only the whiskey smelling Santa Claus look alike bellied up to the bar that listens to my sports rants. Now I have...Well, it's a start.
As a lifelong sports fan, I am used to the cyclical nature of the beast. I followed the Yankees and Colts when they had no right having fans, and laugh at the state of their individual fandom's now. I grew up devouring the NBA, how could I not with Bird, Magic, MJ, and the dynamic duo of Spud Webb and Mugsy Bougues. What can I say, they made me happy. I even, having been named for a hockey player, chose to waste time (mainly during the playoffs). Watching and attending hockey games with passion and verve.
But now, oh but now. The leagues are falling apart. True, the NFL is on top of the world, right now. But they look an awful lot to me like the NBA did in the late 80's early 90's. Clamoring for expansion that will only dilute an already thinning talent pool (Vinny Testaverde? Really?), playing regular season games outside the country (the Giants have looked GREAT after their
trip to LONDON!), player controversy (R.I.P. Sean Taylor), and freaking Bill Bellechick. None of that bodes well for the NFL.
MLB has somehow (shoddy management by owners, numerous scandals, work stoppages and an inability to be fluid in changing technological times) managed to plunge America's Pastime into a droll affair so badly in danger of losing an entire generation that they hired DANE COOK to shill the playoffs. I repeat: The season ending, drama producing, fervor inducing playoffs of our nations past time needed a comedian that the owners (who in my mind look like the floating heads from the beginning of Superman: The Movie) thought was still hip, even though his relevance lasted only slightly longer than Kerry Woods (sorry guys), to bring in what amounted to middling ratings.
And the NBA? Really? They still play? Did you see the numbers for last years finals? And talk about player problems! I mean the Detroit Bad Boys of my youth were nothing compared to the Jailblazers or the freaking Pacers. E tu, Isaiah? Can you think of an example, in any arena, where someone had their foot in the Pantheon of immortality, and then proceeded to attempt to tear that very arena down brick by brick, with every breath they took? Oh, right. I forgot about Britney Spears.
I will not even start on the NHL. What the F@$& is the Versus network?
Anyway, I don't believe in pointing out problems unless you have solutions at the ready, so hear are three leagues I propose to fill the voids of what we have now:
1. The National Beer Pong League: I saw this on YouTube http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1789844 , so I can't take total credit. But I thought that a unifying body, bring beer pong and Beirut players together would be a good thing in this time of strife and derision in our country. Plus, you know there are ad dollars in this thing. From Beer
companies, Table makers, Ping Pong Accesory makers and dealers, to party cup manufacturers.
2. Kick The Can League: This has all of the earmarks of a fantastic league, and ripe for TV (which is huge). If you aren't familiar, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kick_the_can
Think about the possiblilities. There can be differnet venues; domes, outdoors, fields, forests, urban. Weather could play a huge factor. People could develop specialties, therefore endearing an entire fan base. Imagine a scenario where the leagues all time reigning "IT" guards a can that is the key to twenty other players freedom, and lurking in the shadows is the rookie speedster sensation, who is about to break the single season record for kicking the can. Vegas would love this. Side bets galore.
Think about the possiblilities. There can be differnet venues; domes, outdoors, fields, forests, urban. Weather could play a huge factor. People could develop specialties, therefore endearing an entire fan base. Imagine a scenario where the leagues all time reigning "IT" guards a can that is the key to twenty other players freedom, and lurking in the shadows is the rookie speedster sensation, who is about to break the single season record for kicking the can. Vegas would love this. Side bets galore.
3. The Euchre League: I am sick of having to ask "Do you play Euchre?" This would take the game to the masses.If you can televise poker, you can televise Euchre. The team element can bring all kinds of drama. You can have tournaments or single matches. And most importantly, Vegas would love it.
Sorry for the salt, but that's what this is for right? I look forward to furthering the debate and
the threat of further podcasts.
The BCS, NFL Tidbits, and West Coast Representation
In truth, Oil Can does have his moments -- few and far between though they be. The OC put on quite a display in our FF league this weekend, nabbing the weekly high of the season (and a little extra cash). And just last week he referenced the most glaring black eye in all of sports: the lack of a college football playoff.
Dougnaldo, two high marks in seven days: you the stares of a million pairs. Best treat yourself to a bear claw.
Back onto college football, there's only one barrier standing between us and One Shining Moment 2, and that's Gordon Gecko's hallmark calling card: greed. Call it what you will, money or greed, either way it's the ugly stepchild in CFB. And the NCAA's perpetual "scholastic" marketing campaigns don't downplay that reality for a second.
The schools which perennially finish 3rd - 7th in major conferences don't want a playoff because they're worried it will devalue (literally) their 7 - 5 season. A season which, in all likelihood, touts wins against Ball State, Odessa Tech, and Irvine Muni. A season headed for paydirt in that grand daddy of 'em all, the Motor City Bowl.
You'd better rest up now. Come mid-December a no-name bowl game with an oversized corporate logo -- played in a half-full stadium in Mobile or Memphis -- will compete for a few hundred eyeballs on ESPN4 every night.
Tis the season for mediocrity.
And what a shame, because if ever a year called for a playoff, this would be it. There are four teams which can legitimately cry foul with regards to the grand prize: Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, and Hawaii. And there are another five of six who would certainly stand a shot in a one-and-done format.
Personally, I think the magic playoff number is 16. Any scenario should make room for cinderellas. What would March be without Villanova, N.C. State, or George Mason: giant slayers all. This year's best CFB storylines are Hawaii, Kansas, Missouri, and Illinois: they should all play for the crown.
And yes, most years, the SEC would deserve a handful of finalists. A 16-team playoff this year would get you Florida and probably Tennessee, both more than worthy.
Which also speaks to how ridiculously ineffective the current system is. Florida would probably be a TD favorite over Ohio State (this year's top BCS seed) if they played tomorrow. In today's BCS system, Florida isn't even invited to the dance.
And so a year of CFB that has been so damn good, so competitive, maybe the best season ever -- will end on an inconclusive clanker as OSU battles the two-loss Tigers of LSU.
Pathetic. Inexcusable. Unacceptable.
In other news:
How much does the NFL Network blow chunks. In particular, the employment of Chris Collinsworth and the lack of stadium noise during the Packers/Cowboys game (turn the damn microphone up already) had me floored. And Bryant Gumbel looked like he's been in the Nairobi Desert for the last decade looking for edible fish scales. Somebody help that poor guy to month's supply of hamburger helper.
Personally, I think we're due a constitutional amendment doing away with 1) The NFL Network and 2) these ridiculous network contracts which force us to watch localized games on Sunday regardless of how much the local team sucks. Maybe this is George Mitchell's next issue to tackle once Barry ends up behind bars.
Meanwhile.....could Aaron Rodgers' mullet-in-the-making look any more ridiculous in a Packer helmet? Somebody tackle Rodgers, give him a nuggie, and take a 2-guard to his mop. Then sign him to a long-term contract. This kid might be pretty good.
Finally, it is with great pleasure that we add a brethren as a contributor to the Deporters. He's a west coast wookie who baths occasionally, thinks beer pong should be an Olympic sport, and has plenty of NaCl on standby for the likes of overpaid sports wannabes. He's named after a former KY Derby favorite who didn't live up to the hype; set your expectations accordingly.
You can expect his insights (rants?) once a twice or month. We'll let him tell you the rest.
Brother Derek: welcome to our motley crew.
Dougnaldo, two high marks in seven days: you the stares of a million pairs. Best treat yourself to a bear claw.
Back onto college football, there's only one barrier standing between us and One Shining Moment 2, and that's Gordon Gecko's hallmark calling card: greed. Call it what you will, money or greed, either way it's the ugly stepchild in CFB. And the NCAA's perpetual "scholastic" marketing campaigns don't downplay that reality for a second.
The schools which perennially finish 3rd - 7th in major conferences don't want a playoff because they're worried it will devalue (literally) their 7 - 5 season. A season which, in all likelihood, touts wins against Ball State, Odessa Tech, and Irvine Muni. A season headed for paydirt in that grand daddy of 'em all, the Motor City Bowl.
You'd better rest up now. Come mid-December a no-name bowl game with an oversized corporate logo -- played in a half-full stadium in Mobile or Memphis -- will compete for a few hundred eyeballs on ESPN4 every night.
Tis the season for mediocrity.
And what a shame, because if ever a year called for a playoff, this would be it. There are four teams which can legitimately cry foul with regards to the grand prize: Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, and Hawaii. And there are another five of six who would certainly stand a shot in a one-and-done format.
Personally, I think the magic playoff number is 16. Any scenario should make room for cinderellas. What would March be without Villanova, N.C. State, or George Mason: giant slayers all. This year's best CFB storylines are Hawaii, Kansas, Missouri, and Illinois: they should all play for the crown.
And yes, most years, the SEC would deserve a handful of finalists. A 16-team playoff this year would get you Florida and probably Tennessee, both more than worthy.
Which also speaks to how ridiculously ineffective the current system is. Florida would probably be a TD favorite over Ohio State (this year's top BCS seed) if they played tomorrow. In today's BCS system, Florida isn't even invited to the dance.
And so a year of CFB that has been so damn good, so competitive, maybe the best season ever -- will end on an inconclusive clanker as OSU battles the two-loss Tigers of LSU.
Pathetic. Inexcusable. Unacceptable.
In other news:
How much does the NFL Network blow chunks. In particular, the employment of Chris Collinsworth and the lack of stadium noise during the Packers/Cowboys game (turn the damn microphone up already) had me floored. And Bryant Gumbel looked like he's been in the Nairobi Desert for the last decade looking for edible fish scales. Somebody help that poor guy to month's supply of hamburger helper.
Personally, I think we're due a constitutional amendment doing away with 1) The NFL Network and 2) these ridiculous network contracts which force us to watch localized games on Sunday regardless of how much the local team sucks. Maybe this is George Mitchell's next issue to tackle once Barry ends up behind bars.
Meanwhile.....could Aaron Rodgers' mullet-in-the-making look any more ridiculous in a Packer helmet? Somebody tackle Rodgers, give him a nuggie, and take a 2-guard to his mop. Then sign him to a long-term contract. This kid might be pretty good.
Finally, it is with great pleasure that we add a brethren as a contributor to the Deporters. He's a west coast wookie who baths occasionally, thinks beer pong should be an Olympic sport, and has plenty of NaCl on standby for the likes of overpaid sports wannabes. He's named after a former KY Derby favorite who didn't live up to the hype; set your expectations accordingly.
You can expect his insights (rants?) once a twice or month. We'll let him tell you the rest.
Brother Derek: welcome to our motley crew.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The Weeklyish Podcast
The Weeklyish Podcast is a regular entry in which the Deporters' principal authors ask four questions to each other on anything (even remotely) sports related. Admittedly, the "podcast" lacks certain characteristics normally associated with podcasts. For more information, see #5 in "The Rules of Engagement."
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) This will be a constant theme, but just so we are keeping track: Kevin Durant 06-07 Stats: 25.8 ppg/ 11.1 rbs/ 1.9 blk/ 1.9 stl/ 1.3 ast/ 47.3% fg/ 40.3% 3pt
Eric Gordon’s 07-08 Stats: 27.3 ppg/ 4 rbs/ .5 blk/ 2.3 stl/ 3.8 ast/ 55.3%fg/ 51.4% 3pt
Pretty good start....so are you on my Final Four bandwagon?
For the 8000th time, I like the Hoosiers. BUT I’m a born contrarian. And IU is going to have to beat a few Xaviers before I get excited. Plus, UNC and UCLA may be head and shoulders above the rest – a scenario that would leave solamente two slots for the Final Four.
Still slating the Hoosiers for the Elite Eight.
2) On a scale of 0 to infinity, how much more exciting are College Football Overtimes than NFL Sudden Deaths (i.e. UK vs. Tenn, LSU vs. Arkansas)?
Infinity and then some. Not to mention, college football overtimes = more air time for Erin Andrews and that = MORE COWBELL. So in reality college football is better by a factor of: (infinity + a bucket of BW3’s spicy garlic wings + a 12er of Bud Heavies)^2.
3) What in the hell happened to the Skins Game??? Stephan Ames, Zach Johnson, and Brett Wetterich??? Boom Boom is great, but ABC can't get anyone more exciting than those other three?
I can't imagine why anyone would watch this foursome do anything, golf or otherwise. Next year they should amend the rules and force players to carry three clubs: a driver, a sand wedge, and a putter. Then they should recruit John Daly, Bubba Watson, Rich Beem, and J.B. Holmes and play beer a hole (no problem anticipated). That would liven things up.
4) In 1988, were you on your couch watching this, as I was? Please note: Bill Raferty
Now THAT’s what I'm talking about (“Send it in Jerome!!!!).
Remember when Big Monday was Big Monday. Robitussin was a viable alcoholic substitute. And weekends were a lover's stroll at the beach.
Ah the good ole days.
Now think about our current lot in life: we're pond scum, counting down the seconds until we team up with PacMan Jones and Clifford Rozier for an eternity of janitorial services in hell. With that scorching prospect in mind, I say we go down swinging:
You know how bloggers try to get famous people to send in a picture or post a comment on their blog. Well fresh off our Cuban meltdown, I say we reante. I think we should make receiving a 2008 pic from Jerome Lane the NUMBER ONE PRIORITY of our blog. At the very least maybe we can find him and beg for a lowly comment.
How about THEM apples?
Ivan Drago's Question for Oil Can:
1) I think this is the best collegiate football season ever. That's right: EVER. The fact that 80,000 fans packed Arrowhead for #2 Kansas vs. #4 Missouri serves as another reminder of how improbable and incredible a season this is. Agree....or is my CFB toast merely overflowing with marmalade?
Well, you're notoriously overflowing with marmalade for all the wrong reasons, but yes, it's been ridiculously good season. AND it's the perfect example of why we need an 8 team playoff for college football. But to continue with your question, I've never seen so many good games and so many great overtime games. They have really been a pleasure to watch all season. You know it's a dream season when the Indiana Hoosiers make a bowl and Notre Dame looks like a high school football team. The stars have definitely been aligned.
Now for that playoff. An 8 team playoff, and then 15-20 stupid bowls. The NCAA would still get to have their lame bowls and would rake in MAD sponsorship dollars for the 8 team playoff. Plus the television audience for those games would be redonkulous. For once, we'd finally have a legitimate champion at the end of the season. This season has just been further proof that anyone can beat anyone, and I think if you took the top 8 teams this year, any one of them could win.
You'll probably dispute that idea, because that's how truly lost you are, but it is time.
2) There's nothing I hate more than watching NFL teams give up field position. That being said, can any team sanely kick to Devon Hester? Shouldn't every Bears' opponent aim for the sideline every single time and be done with it?
I didn't get to see the game, but after I read what Hester did, my first reaction was, 'No one will ever kick to this dude again'. And honestly, the Bears offense is so abysmal, I think opposing teams would be no worse off if they just took a knee on 4th down. I did a little statistical analysis and found that if teams did use that strategy, they would wind up forcing the Bears into an interception 84% of the time. Sounds like that is a pretty good option. With Captain Turnover playing QB, the only real shot the Bears have at scoring is Devin Hester. Although, with "my boy" Adrian Peterson running the ball, they may actually improve over the next couple of weeks....
And how can Hester not be a full time receiver???
3) Barry Bonds isn't making either of our Christmas card lists in this or any year. That being said, do you think MLB's investigation (which conveniently began after Mark McGuire retired) and the potential for a decent chunk of jail time is overly harsh? I get that it's perjury, and I'd love to see an asterisk by the HR record, but it's not like he's the lone cowboy sipping from the steroid soup.
It's been a total witch-hunt in regards to Bonds. You'd think he invented "The Clear". With that being said, he most likely did commit perjury which destroys the whole foundation behind our judicial system......I don't have any idea what that means. Basically, the dude lied under oath. Of course he should get thrown in prison. But I also hope that any of those other guys who "testified" in front of Congress and get named in the Mitchell investigation, share a cell with Barry.
My real hope is that in the future, the penalty for a failed drug test is a permanent ban from the respective sport. That would make it much easier on all of the commissioners,athletes, management, and fans. I think that is the only way to send a real message. Don't f'ing cheat. I'm no saint, but I just don't see this whole cheating ordeal. These guys are getting paid mucho dinero to do one thing, focus on their sport. That's it. Play the sport you've come to dominate, and work at it in the offseason to become the best player you possibly can. I'd give all of my teeth, excluding the front two, in order to trade places with any of these fools. This whole subject makes me want to vomit.
4) Your suggestion to have a reality show featuring every day yahoos (like yourself) wanting one more shot at becoming a pro athlete is the wurstest idea you've had in a decade. No one wants to see you work with the best trainers in the world, only to throw 65 mph beach balls as real hitters blast your best stuff to Neptune. I can't imagine something less watchable, other than Tyra Banks' model show. Please tell me you have a better idea for reality TV. Keep in mind, I'm already planning to dedicate an entire entry to destroying you on this topic.
And that, my friend, is why we should pull the plug on this Blog. The Red Sox dominated playoff baseball, Bonds has been indicted, A-Rod re-signed with the Yankees, the Pats are undefeated, college basketball has started with a bang, and terribly, Sean Taylor was murdered. Yet, you're couch potato butt wants to write about some stupid idea I came up with 2 months ago. That's really going to draw an audience, bro.
On a side note, what an awful tragedy in the death of Sean Taylor. It especially sucks when you hear the stories about him changing his lifestyle and becoming a better human being slash good father. He was living on the edge and getting into a lot of trouble in the past and he had finally gotten his life in order. For him to be murdered at the age of 24, and only a few feet from his 1 year old daughter, it's just really awful and a sad day for sports. It's another example that life is short no matter how you look at it. So enjoy it while you've got it.
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) This will be a constant theme, but just so we are keeping track: Kevin Durant 06-07 Stats: 25.8 ppg/ 11.1 rbs/ 1.9 blk/ 1.9 stl/ 1.3 ast/ 47.3% fg/ 40.3% 3pt
Eric Gordon’s 07-08 Stats: 27.3 ppg/ 4 rbs/ .5 blk/ 2.3 stl/ 3.8 ast/ 55.3%fg/ 51.4% 3pt
Pretty good start....so are you on my Final Four bandwagon?
For the 8000th time, I like the Hoosiers. BUT I’m a born contrarian. And IU is going to have to beat a few Xaviers before I get excited. Plus, UNC and UCLA may be head and shoulders above the rest – a scenario that would leave solamente two slots for the Final Four.
Still slating the Hoosiers for the Elite Eight.
2) On a scale of 0 to infinity, how much more exciting are College Football Overtimes than NFL Sudden Deaths (i.e. UK vs. Tenn, LSU vs. Arkansas)?
Infinity and then some. Not to mention, college football overtimes = more air time for Erin Andrews and that = MORE COWBELL. So in reality college football is better by a factor of: (infinity + a bucket of BW3’s spicy garlic wings + a 12er of Bud Heavies)^2.
3) What in the hell happened to the Skins Game??? Stephan Ames, Zach Johnson, and Brett Wetterich??? Boom Boom is great, but ABC can't get anyone more exciting than those other three?
I can't imagine why anyone would watch this foursome do anything, golf or otherwise. Next year they should amend the rules and force players to carry three clubs: a driver, a sand wedge, and a putter. Then they should recruit John Daly, Bubba Watson, Rich Beem, and J.B. Holmes and play beer a hole (no problem anticipated). That would liven things up.
4) In 1988, were you on your couch watching this, as I was? Please note: Bill Raferty
Now THAT’s what I'm talking about (“Send it in Jerome!!!!).
Remember when Big Monday was Big Monday. Robitussin was a viable alcoholic substitute. And weekends were a lover's stroll at the beach.
Ah the good ole days.
Now think about our current lot in life: we're pond scum, counting down the seconds until we team up with PacMan Jones and Clifford Rozier for an eternity of janitorial services in hell. With that scorching prospect in mind, I say we go down swinging:
You know how bloggers try to get famous people to send in a picture or post a comment on their blog. Well fresh off our Cuban meltdown, I say we reante. I think we should make receiving a 2008 pic from Jerome Lane the NUMBER ONE PRIORITY of our blog. At the very least maybe we can find him and beg for a lowly comment.
How about THEM apples?
Ivan Drago's Question for Oil Can:
1) I think this is the best collegiate football season ever. That's right: EVER. The fact that 80,000 fans packed Arrowhead for #2 Kansas vs. #4 Missouri serves as another reminder of how improbable and incredible a season this is. Agree....or is my CFB toast merely overflowing with marmalade?
Well, you're notoriously overflowing with marmalade for all the wrong reasons, but yes, it's been ridiculously good season. AND it's the perfect example of why we need an 8 team playoff for college football. But to continue with your question, I've never seen so many good games and so many great overtime games. They have really been a pleasure to watch all season. You know it's a dream season when the Indiana Hoosiers make a bowl and Notre Dame looks like a high school football team. The stars have definitely been aligned.
Now for that playoff. An 8 team playoff, and then 15-20 stupid bowls. The NCAA would still get to have their lame bowls and would rake in MAD sponsorship dollars for the 8 team playoff. Plus the television audience for those games would be redonkulous. For once, we'd finally have a legitimate champion at the end of the season. This season has just been further proof that anyone can beat anyone, and I think if you took the top 8 teams this year, any one of them could win.
You'll probably dispute that idea, because that's how truly lost you are, but it is time.
2) There's nothing I hate more than watching NFL teams give up field position. That being said, can any team sanely kick to Devon Hester? Shouldn't every Bears' opponent aim for the sideline every single time and be done with it?
I didn't get to see the game, but after I read what Hester did, my first reaction was, 'No one will ever kick to this dude again'. And honestly, the Bears offense is so abysmal, I think opposing teams would be no worse off if they just took a knee on 4th down. I did a little statistical analysis and found that if teams did use that strategy, they would wind up forcing the Bears into an interception 84% of the time. Sounds like that is a pretty good option. With Captain Turnover playing QB, the only real shot the Bears have at scoring is Devin Hester. Although, with "my boy" Adrian Peterson running the ball, they may actually improve over the next couple of weeks....
And how can Hester not be a full time receiver???
3) Barry Bonds isn't making either of our Christmas card lists in this or any year. That being said, do you think MLB's investigation (which conveniently began after Mark McGuire retired) and the potential for a decent chunk of jail time is overly harsh? I get that it's perjury, and I'd love to see an asterisk by the HR record, but it's not like he's the lone cowboy sipping from the steroid soup.
It's been a total witch-hunt in regards to Bonds. You'd think he invented "The Clear". With that being said, he most likely did commit perjury which destroys the whole foundation behind our judicial system......I don't have any idea what that means. Basically, the dude lied under oath. Of course he should get thrown in prison. But I also hope that any of those other guys who "testified" in front of Congress and get named in the Mitchell investigation, share a cell with Barry.
My real hope is that in the future, the penalty for a failed drug test is a permanent ban from the respective sport. That would make it much easier on all of the commissioners,athletes, management, and fans. I think that is the only way to send a real message. Don't f'ing cheat. I'm no saint, but I just don't see this whole cheating ordeal. These guys are getting paid mucho dinero to do one thing, focus on their sport. That's it. Play the sport you've come to dominate, and work at it in the offseason to become the best player you possibly can. I'd give all of my teeth, excluding the front two, in order to trade places with any of these fools. This whole subject makes me want to vomit.
4) Your suggestion to have a reality show featuring every day yahoos (like yourself) wanting one more shot at becoming a pro athlete is the wurstest idea you've had in a decade. No one wants to see you work with the best trainers in the world, only to throw 65 mph beach balls as real hitters blast your best stuff to Neptune. I can't imagine something less watchable, other than Tyra Banks' model show. Please tell me you have a better idea for reality TV. Keep in mind, I'm already planning to dedicate an entire entry to destroying you on this topic.
And that, my friend, is why we should pull the plug on this Blog. The Red Sox dominated playoff baseball, Bonds has been indicted, A-Rod re-signed with the Yankees, the Pats are undefeated, college basketball has started with a bang, and terribly, Sean Taylor was murdered. Yet, you're couch potato butt wants to write about some stupid idea I came up with 2 months ago. That's really going to draw an audience, bro.
On a side note, what an awful tragedy in the death of Sean Taylor. It especially sucks when you hear the stories about him changing his lifestyle and becoming a better human being slash good father. He was living on the edge and getting into a lot of trouble in the past and he had finally gotten his life in order. For him to be murdered at the age of 24, and only a few feet from his 1 year old daughter, it's just really awful and a sad day for sports. It's another example that life is short no matter how you look at it. So enjoy it while you've got it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Weeklyish Podcast
Our podcast lasted exactly one week on a regular schedule. Kudos to us: the first of many irregularities. For more information on the Weekly Podcast: see #5 under the Rules of Engagement.
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Our petition to rally support for Cuban might be the worst grass roots effort in the history of the world (I feel like a PR consultant for the Exxon Valdez). What's our next move: a) admit that nobody cares about our putrid existence b) double our efforts c) contact Cuban directly or d) go back to combing the desert?
To be honest, the lack of support for Project Cuban sent me into a tailspin, a la Maverick and Goose from Top Gun. I was borderline manic depressive and needed to collect my emotions before returning to the Blogoshpere. I believe that we went after the wrong demographic and it has since occurred to me that we should forgo any further attempt to rally the troops (i.e. the 5 people who read this) and stop any further talk about Cuban owning the Cubs. Put simply, it's not going to happen. He won't get a fair shot, and now we will be stuck with some dudes who made a bunch of money investing other peoples money, and whose hobbies include licking Bud Selig's and Jerry Reinsdorf's old, wrinkly nut sacks. The Cubs will forever be owned by people or groups who don't know what the hell they are doing and will not win a World Series in my lifetime (range: 1 minute up to 69 years). Go Tribe.
2) The Patriots are now less than even-money to win the Super Bowl on TradeSports. Meanwhile, the Colts are over 7-1. I know the Colts are banged up, and the road to the Super Bowl means playoff games in New England, but am I the only one who thinks these odds are a little skewed?
Yeah, you probably are. Put some money on the Colts, but look out for those Cowboys who may give you some better odds. As for me, I proclaim the Pats go 19-0, and win the Super Bowl. Average margin of victory from here on out, 17 points.
3) On the heels of Roy Williams foray into pizza delivery, who do you think would make the most tips as a deliveryman: Williams, Chad Johnson, or T.O.? Out of those three, who's the most likely to kill a customer on the job?
I guess TO would pull in more tips from the ladies, cause the dude is ripped to all hell. The whole Philadelphia driveway incident made me feel really bad about the way that I look in the mirror. I'm approaching StayPuff marshmellow status, and TO is approaching This is Sparta! status. He would rake in tips from the ladies.
I would probably have to go with TO for part duex also. He might accidentally slip some pills onto a pizza and cause an inadvertant customer overdose. Definitely wouldn't trust TO with my 'za.
4) What do you make of Martina Hingis' positive cocaine test during Wimbledon (which Hingis claims is inaccurate)? In all seriousness, Hingis would be one of my "top five least likely users of coca paste" in all of sports. Go on, I dare you, name five people that are less likely users. FYI, don't start your mental checklist
with the Cowboys or Pacers.
I nearly did a centuple take after hearing that blurb for the first time on ESPN. My first word was, 'Que?' I mean seriously, what was Hingis doing, banging rails off of Sergio's abs? This was absolutely one of the most shocking headlines of the year. Waiting for Chris Berman to throw out, Martina "Medellin" Hingis. I wonder if she was doing Bob White with her mom? I guess that would be kind of cool.
Five less likely users of nose candy:
1) Tiger Woods
2) Lance Armstrong
3) Tom Maled
4) Ryan Massey
5) Tony Montana
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) You hazed me after I stated that if Eric Gordon ends up being 75% of what Kevin Durant was, the Hoosiers will go to the Final Four. I looked at the numbers, and I've seen Eric Gordon play a game, finally. Want to reconsider? The dude is LEGIT, and he'll be the number one pick next year (sorry Hoosier fans).
Simmer down fool. I’m on board with Gordon. I’m just not willing to throw out Durant comparisons (for all the obvious reasons).
Durant was arguably the best collegiate player in twenty years (going back to David Robinson). Durant averaged 26 pts, 11 boards, 2 blocks, and earned All-Defensive team honors in the Big 12 -- while playing 36 minutes puurrrr game and committing a meager two fouls. PLUS, Durant elevated his game when it mattered. How about his 37/10/6/6 performance against the Jayhawks in the Big 12 Final. Need I say it: “redonkulous.”
Meanwhile Gordon is a 6 foot 3” shooting guard with one game of collegiate experience (against mighty Chattanooga). 1st pick in the draft? Brotha please. Put the Gordon parade on hold and treat yourself to a Lunesta (for everyone's sake).
2) On a scale of 1-10, while knowing that my Fantasy Football squad is 9 - 1, how awesome was my trade: Brian Griese for Steven Jackson? Dare I say, highway robbery?
The steam in my FF cauldron could blow an 800-lb iron lid through the roof: that’s how irate I am with this season.
My FF team has scored 80 points more than yours and 200 more than 60% of the league. Yet somehow you’re 9 – 1, and I’m 6 – 4 (in 4th place). Translation: every week you manage to play either 1) a team with half their players on bye or 2) a hung-over manager who can’t figure out who’s hurt/playing on Sunday. Seriously, how many weeks do I have to stare at StatTracker as you play an incomplete team?
Meanwhile, every cart donkey in the league (i.e. Damon Huard) explodes for 30 pts against me. Why? Because the world hates me.
I hope Steven Jackson gets caught doing lines with Martina Hingis.
3) With visual representation, who are the top 5 NBA teams'....cheerleading/dance squads? I love me some Laker girls.
#1: The Mavs. Our buddy Brent works for Cuban down in Dallas. He has referenced the Mavs dance team before; now I see why. The risqué click through pics make them worthy of the #1 slot. My personal favorite: Natasha (now that's a chair I'd like to sit in).
#2: The Suns. These girls are a not-so-subtle reminder that we need to blog from the Phoenix Open next year. A PGA tourney + a huge party + warm weather in February = dios mio. If the Suns' dance squad is on "the hill" at the 16th, I might need a relocation package. My personal favorite: Kaytie (how can I argue with that spelling).
#3: The Laker Girls. The league’s golden standard, but I honestly think they belong in the #3 slot. My personal favorite: Allison (always had a thing for the smart ones).
#4: The Miami Heat. Love the be-bop background music, followed by Michael Jackson moaning, and then a “swoosh” sound every time you click on a dancer. My personal favorite: Katherine (nice six pack).
#5: The Luvabulls. Best name in the league and worthy of the final spot for representing the windy city (nothing like a little home cooking). My personal favorite: Marianne (self-explanatory).
4) Keeping my answer to one of your questions in mind. The Cubs just dealt Jacque Jones (.285/ 5 HR/ 66 RBI) for.......Omar Infante (.271/ 2 HR/ 17 RBI), another utility infielder that plays 1st, 2nd, SS, 3rd, 4th, RF, LF, and Catcher.
What are your thoughts on that?
I’m sure you’re pleased with this trade as it's likely to free up playing time for one of your man crushes, Felix Pie.
Here's my take on Pie: he can’t hit a lick.
Your take on Pie: he’s young and he’s got spunk.
What everyone should be thinking: spunk is for Punky Brewster.
Granted, I was never a big fan of Jacque Jones either. JJ's annual walk-to-strikeout ratio is a crash course in “fractions that need to be inverted.” Meanwhile, Infante also appears to have a hammer-lock on whiffs at the plate. This trade may be an exercise in cloning.
The relevant part of the deal is the $$$: shipping JJ should give the Cubs more dinero for another arm. The trade mentions that the Cubs will “include cash in the deal to defray some of Jones’ salary.” Jones salary will be $5.6M in ’08 and Infante figures to make $2Mish next year. With the Cubs handing over an undisclosed sweetener, they’ll probably end up with $3Mish to use in the open market.
I’m down with the trade if it leads to other acquisitions.....or if the extra $3M keeps my Wrigley Field nachos at a reasonable price.
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Our petition to rally support for Cuban might be the worst grass roots effort in the history of the world (I feel like a PR consultant for the Exxon Valdez). What's our next move: a) admit that nobody cares about our putrid existence b) double our efforts c) contact Cuban directly or d) go back to combing the desert?
To be honest, the lack of support for Project Cuban sent me into a tailspin, a la Maverick and Goose from Top Gun. I was borderline manic depressive and needed to collect my emotions before returning to the Blogoshpere. I believe that we went after the wrong demographic and it has since occurred to me that we should forgo any further attempt to rally the troops (i.e. the 5 people who read this) and stop any further talk about Cuban owning the Cubs. Put simply, it's not going to happen. He won't get a fair shot, and now we will be stuck with some dudes who made a bunch of money investing other peoples money, and whose hobbies include licking Bud Selig's and Jerry Reinsdorf's old, wrinkly nut sacks. The Cubs will forever be owned by people or groups who don't know what the hell they are doing and will not win a World Series in my lifetime (range: 1 minute up to 69 years). Go Tribe.
2) The Patriots are now less than even-money to win the Super Bowl on TradeSports. Meanwhile, the Colts are over 7-1. I know the Colts are banged up, and the road to the Super Bowl means playoff games in New England, but am I the only one who thinks these odds are a little skewed?
Yeah, you probably are. Put some money on the Colts, but look out for those Cowboys who may give you some better odds. As for me, I proclaim the Pats go 19-0, and win the Super Bowl. Average margin of victory from here on out, 17 points.
3) On the heels of Roy Williams foray into pizza delivery, who do you think would make the most tips as a deliveryman: Williams, Chad Johnson, or T.O.? Out of those three, who's the most likely to kill a customer on the job?
I guess TO would pull in more tips from the ladies, cause the dude is ripped to all hell. The whole Philadelphia driveway incident made me feel really bad about the way that I look in the mirror. I'm approaching StayPuff marshmellow status, and TO is approaching This is Sparta! status. He would rake in tips from the ladies.
I would probably have to go with TO for part duex also. He might accidentally slip some pills onto a pizza and cause an inadvertant customer overdose. Definitely wouldn't trust TO with my 'za.
4) What do you make of Martina Hingis' positive cocaine test during Wimbledon (which Hingis claims is inaccurate)? In all seriousness, Hingis would be one of my "top five least likely users of coca paste" in all of sports. Go on, I dare you, name five people that are less likely users. FYI, don't start your mental checklist
with the Cowboys or Pacers.
I nearly did a centuple take after hearing that blurb for the first time on ESPN. My first word was, 'Que?' I mean seriously, what was Hingis doing, banging rails off of Sergio's abs? This was absolutely one of the most shocking headlines of the year. Waiting for Chris Berman to throw out, Martina "Medellin" Hingis. I wonder if she was doing Bob White with her mom? I guess that would be kind of cool.
Five less likely users of nose candy:
1) Tiger Woods
2) Lance Armstrong
3) Tom Maled
4) Ryan Massey
5) Tony Montana
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) You hazed me after I stated that if Eric Gordon ends up being 75% of what Kevin Durant was, the Hoosiers will go to the Final Four. I looked at the numbers, and I've seen Eric Gordon play a game, finally. Want to reconsider? The dude is LEGIT, and he'll be the number one pick next year (sorry Hoosier fans).
Simmer down fool. I’m on board with Gordon. I’m just not willing to throw out Durant comparisons (for all the obvious reasons).
Durant was arguably the best collegiate player in twenty years (going back to David Robinson). Durant averaged 26 pts, 11 boards, 2 blocks, and earned All-Defensive team honors in the Big 12 -- while playing 36 minutes puurrrr game and committing a meager two fouls. PLUS, Durant elevated his game when it mattered. How about his 37/10/6/6 performance against the Jayhawks in the Big 12 Final. Need I say it: “redonkulous.”
Meanwhile Gordon is a 6 foot 3” shooting guard with one game of collegiate experience (against mighty Chattanooga). 1st pick in the draft? Brotha please. Put the Gordon parade on hold and treat yourself to a Lunesta (for everyone's sake).
2) On a scale of 1-10, while knowing that my Fantasy Football squad is 9 - 1, how awesome was my trade: Brian Griese for Steven Jackson? Dare I say, highway robbery?
The steam in my FF cauldron could blow an 800-lb iron lid through the roof: that’s how irate I am with this season.
My FF team has scored 80 points more than yours and 200 more than 60% of the league. Yet somehow you’re 9 – 1, and I’m 6 – 4 (in 4th place). Translation: every week you manage to play either 1) a team with half their players on bye or 2) a hung-over manager who can’t figure out who’s hurt/playing on Sunday. Seriously, how many weeks do I have to stare at StatTracker as you play an incomplete team?
Meanwhile, every cart donkey in the league (i.e. Damon Huard) explodes for 30 pts against me. Why? Because the world hates me.
I hope Steven Jackson gets caught doing lines with Martina Hingis.
3) With visual representation, who are the top 5 NBA teams'....cheerleading/dance squads? I love me some Laker girls.
#1: The Mavs. Our buddy Brent works for Cuban down in Dallas. He has referenced the Mavs dance team before; now I see why. The risqué click through pics make them worthy of the #1 slot. My personal favorite: Natasha (now that's a chair I'd like to sit in).
#2: The Suns. These girls are a not-so-subtle reminder that we need to blog from the Phoenix Open next year. A PGA tourney + a huge party + warm weather in February = dios mio. If the Suns' dance squad is on "the hill" at the 16th, I might need a relocation package. My personal favorite: Kaytie (how can I argue with that spelling).
#3: The Laker Girls. The league’s golden standard, but I honestly think they belong in the #3 slot. My personal favorite: Allison (always had a thing for the smart ones).
#4: The Miami Heat. Love the be-bop background music, followed by Michael Jackson moaning, and then a “swoosh” sound every time you click on a dancer. My personal favorite: Katherine (nice six pack).
#5: The Luvabulls. Best name in the league and worthy of the final spot for representing the windy city (nothing like a little home cooking). My personal favorite: Marianne (self-explanatory).
4) Keeping my answer to one of your questions in mind. The Cubs just dealt Jacque Jones (.285/ 5 HR/ 66 RBI) for.......Omar Infante (.271/ 2 HR/ 17 RBI), another utility infielder that plays 1st, 2nd, SS, 3rd, 4th, RF, LF, and Catcher.
What are your thoughts on that?
I’m sure you’re pleased with this trade as it's likely to free up playing time for one of your man crushes, Felix Pie.
Here's my take on Pie: he can’t hit a lick.
Your take on Pie: he’s young and he’s got spunk.
What everyone should be thinking: spunk is for Punky Brewster.
Granted, I was never a big fan of Jacque Jones either. JJ's annual walk-to-strikeout ratio is a crash course in “fractions that need to be inverted.” Meanwhile, Infante also appears to have a hammer-lock on whiffs at the plate. This trade may be an exercise in cloning.
The relevant part of the deal is the $$$: shipping JJ should give the Cubs more dinero for another arm. The trade mentions that the Cubs will “include cash in the deal to defray some of Jones’ salary.” Jones salary will be $5.6M in ’08 and Infante figures to make $2Mish next year. With the Cubs handing over an undisclosed sweetener, they’ll probably end up with $3Mish to use in the open market.
I’m down with the trade if it leads to other acquisitions.....or if the extra $3M keeps my Wrigley Field nachos at a reasonable price.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Gossip Girl > The NBA
Unlike my counterpart in these pages, I have trouble finding the fantastic in the NBA. I’m not enamored with the parts (regular tanking + lack o’ defense + the Eastern Conference + long-ass season) or their sum (another championship in the southwest). And yes, I’d rather watch the CW’s billionaire heiresses of the Upper East Side.
Granted, I know this acknowledgment will be viewed by many as verification that my cajones are shrinking at breakneck speed. If you're in that category, I offer this retort (a la Cosmo): “I would appreciate it if you would cease and desist so that I might be allowed to pursue my courtship with Gossip Girl unfettered.” Besides, Gossip Girl has rocketed to the #3 slot in my TV Top 5 (#1: Friday Night Lights, #2 House, #4 Heroes, #5 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia).
In other words, the NBA really isn’t in GG’s league.
What does this all mean (if anything)? In literal terms, it means that I’ll be watching the ‘07/’08 NBA season during commercials on the CW. On an average night that probably equates to ten minutes of live NBA action: a prefect allotment. Besides, if by chance something extraordinary happens (doubtful), I can always order Season 61 of the NBA on Netflix.
There’s one added bonus to only seeing snippets of games during flip-to’s and Sportscenter highlights: I’m in the position to make predictions based on very limited information. It’s like watching the NFL draft and knowing (!) that some player in the top 20 will flop because he looks slower than molasses during the five-second highlight montage that Mel Kiper wheels out. Examining the NBA, through the Gossip Girl looking glass, allows me to showcase my natural talents as a prognosticator while infuriating my friends who are TNT junkies. An ideal prospect.
So without further adieu, here are some predictions for this NBA season after one week one of “viewing.”
1) In a year of sports excellence in Beantown, the Celtics’ triumvirate (Pierce, Allen, and Garnett) has a chance to steal the cake. I don’t know how good they’ll be in the end, but you can tell: 1) these guys genuinely love basketball 2) they respect each other 3) they’re still in good physical condition 4) they’ll be competitive in the anemic East and 5) this is hands down the best storyline this year in the NBA.
2) Jeff Green’s “silky smooth” collegiate game will translate to “he’s a step too slow” in the NBA.
3) Andrew Bynum will have a breakout year. The kid has enough upside to make the Lakers one year and one (big) signee away from being very competitive in the West. Kobe stays put in LaLa.
4) Kevin Durant needs a crash course in shot selectivity. You can’t hoist fade away 27-footers and transition to the defensive end with a 24-second shot and the NBA’s up-tempo game (especially with the long rebounds that come off from behind the arc).
5) Dwight Howard’s ascent towards Mount Olympus takes another (long) stride forward this year. If the Magic make the playoffs, Howard finishes in the Top 5 in Player of the Year voting.
6) The Bulls will wish they had Tyson Chandler instead of Ben Wallace. I always thought Chandler’s game was underappreciated. Not to mention, he's only 25: there’s still upside in the tank. Ben Wallace’s best years are driving around the Motor City.
7) If given a choice, as I wait for Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf to return from commercials on the CW, I prefer the Warriors. When it comes to Nelly and the gang in Golden State: “I saw her face, and now I’m a believer.”
Editorial note: was hoping the Weekly Podcast would be posted today. It would have included a Cuban update of sorts. But Oil Can hasn't been heard from in days. He's probably down at Sammy O's Tavern throwing back Bud Heavies with Kramer and Storey. I'll give him an earful when he resurfaces.
Granted, I know this acknowledgment will be viewed by many as verification that my cajones are shrinking at breakneck speed. If you're in that category, I offer this retort (a la Cosmo): “I would appreciate it if you would cease and desist so that I might be allowed to pursue my courtship with Gossip Girl unfettered.” Besides, Gossip Girl has rocketed to the #3 slot in my TV Top 5 (#1: Friday Night Lights, #2 House, #4 Heroes, #5 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia).
In other words, the NBA really isn’t in GG’s league.
What does this all mean (if anything)? In literal terms, it means that I’ll be watching the ‘07/’08 NBA season during commercials on the CW. On an average night that probably equates to ten minutes of live NBA action: a prefect allotment. Besides, if by chance something extraordinary happens (doubtful), I can always order Season 61 of the NBA on Netflix.
There’s one added bonus to only seeing snippets of games during flip-to’s and Sportscenter highlights: I’m in the position to make predictions based on very limited information. It’s like watching the NFL draft and knowing (!) that some player in the top 20 will flop because he looks slower than molasses during the five-second highlight montage that Mel Kiper wheels out. Examining the NBA, through the Gossip Girl looking glass, allows me to showcase my natural talents as a prognosticator while infuriating my friends who are TNT junkies. An ideal prospect.
So without further adieu, here are some predictions for this NBA season after one week one of “viewing.”
1) In a year of sports excellence in Beantown, the Celtics’ triumvirate (Pierce, Allen, and Garnett) has a chance to steal the cake. I don’t know how good they’ll be in the end, but you can tell: 1) these guys genuinely love basketball 2) they respect each other 3) they’re still in good physical condition 4) they’ll be competitive in the anemic East and 5) this is hands down the best storyline this year in the NBA.
2) Jeff Green’s “silky smooth” collegiate game will translate to “he’s a step too slow” in the NBA.
3) Andrew Bynum will have a breakout year. The kid has enough upside to make the Lakers one year and one (big) signee away from being very competitive in the West. Kobe stays put in LaLa.
4) Kevin Durant needs a crash course in shot selectivity. You can’t hoist fade away 27-footers and transition to the defensive end with a 24-second shot and the NBA’s up-tempo game (especially with the long rebounds that come off from behind the arc).
5) Dwight Howard’s ascent towards Mount Olympus takes another (long) stride forward this year. If the Magic make the playoffs, Howard finishes in the Top 5 in Player of the Year voting.
6) The Bulls will wish they had Tyson Chandler instead of Ben Wallace. I always thought Chandler’s game was underappreciated. Not to mention, he's only 25: there’s still upside in the tank. Ben Wallace’s best years are driving around the Motor City.
7) If given a choice, as I wait for Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf to return from commercials on the CW, I prefer the Warriors. When it comes to Nelly and the gang in Golden State: “I saw her face, and now I’m a believer.”
Editorial note: was hoping the Weekly Podcast would be posted today. It would have included a Cuban update of sorts. But Oil Can hasn't been heard from in days. He's probably down at Sammy O's Tavern throwing back Bud Heavies with Kramer and Storey. I'll give him an earful when he resurfaces.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
In Cuban We Trust
Dear Commissioner Selig:
This letter comes to you from the corner of Waveland and Sheffield Ave. in Chicago. Unfortunately, it’s the end of October and Wrigley Field has been closed for weeks. The bleacher bums are bumming elsewhere, and the Old Style beer is done for the year.
It’s October, and this is the norm and not the exception: the Cubs have gone 99 seasons without a World Series crown.
Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown and the Cubs of 1908 were the last Northsiders to win the Fall Classic (who, in 1908, played at the West Side Grounds). For frame of reference, sliced bread wasn’t invented until 1928; the Cubs are giving new meaning to the word "drought."
But don’t think for a second we’re content being the lovable losers. For 99 years we have cheered for Hack and Ernie, Fergie and Rhino, the Hawk and even a Bull. We’ve done our part to hoist the “W” flag at Wrigley after ever single game. And yes, in spite of our devotion, it’s been 99 years since the wins lasted through October.
A century is a long time to wait.
But now, after generations of disappointment, the right man wants our fruitless franchise. He’s the one who sits in the bleachers and speaks the language of fans. He’s the maverick who owns the Mavericks, and the Cubs should belong to him.
Mr. Commissioner, bring Mark Cuban to Chicago. That is our dying century’s request.
We know you have reservations: Cuban isn’t a traditional owner (cough, cough). But he built a winner from the rubble in Dallas and earned the respect of his players and the city -- while answering emails from thousands of fans. If there’s a better road map for owning a sports franchise, we can’t imagine how it would read.
To be sure, your job won’t be easier with Cuban in the league. Then again, has our century been a breeze?
And therein lies the heart of the matter – what say have the fans? We came back after the strike and stayed through the steroid days (notice, we didn’t say “era”). Our loyalty has been unwavering, but at this pivotal juncture in Cubdom, what will our patronage mean?
Hopefully Cuban will get a fair shake, but we're not waiting around to see. We have to try and influence the odds, not depend on them.
Accordingly, starting with this entry we’re going to rally some like-minded fans: “Cub fans for Cuban.” Each week we’ll send their names and comments to your office. We may not affect the outcome but wouldn't it be something if we did.
We are Cub fans & this is our future: a century is a long time to wait.
For love of the Cubs, for love of the game,
Ivan & Oil Can (Michael & Doug)
Want to join the Cub fans supporting Cuban? Think MLB would be better off with Cuban in the league? We need you! ALL of you! Leave your name and a comment on this entry or email us at: cubsforcuban@gmail.com. Each week we'll send an updated list to Commissioner Selig's Office and give progress reports on this site.
This letter comes to you from the corner of Waveland and Sheffield Ave. in Chicago. Unfortunately, it’s the end of October and Wrigley Field has been closed for weeks. The bleacher bums are bumming elsewhere, and the Old Style beer is done for the year.
It’s October, and this is the norm and not the exception: the Cubs have gone 99 seasons without a World Series crown.
Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown and the Cubs of 1908 were the last Northsiders to win the Fall Classic (who, in 1908, played at the West Side Grounds). For frame of reference, sliced bread wasn’t invented until 1928; the Cubs are giving new meaning to the word "drought."
But don’t think for a second we’re content being the lovable losers. For 99 years we have cheered for Hack and Ernie, Fergie and Rhino, the Hawk and even a Bull. We’ve done our part to hoist the “W” flag at Wrigley after ever single game. And yes, in spite of our devotion, it’s been 99 years since the wins lasted through October.
A century is a long time to wait.
But now, after generations of disappointment, the right man wants our fruitless franchise. He’s the one who sits in the bleachers and speaks the language of fans. He’s the maverick who owns the Mavericks, and the Cubs should belong to him.
Mr. Commissioner, bring Mark Cuban to Chicago. That is our dying century’s request.
We know you have reservations: Cuban isn’t a traditional owner (cough, cough). But he built a winner from the rubble in Dallas and earned the respect of his players and the city -- while answering emails from thousands of fans. If there’s a better road map for owning a sports franchise, we can’t imagine how it would read.
To be sure, your job won’t be easier with Cuban in the league. Then again, has our century been a breeze?
And therein lies the heart of the matter – what say have the fans? We came back after the strike and stayed through the steroid days (notice, we didn’t say “era”). Our loyalty has been unwavering, but at this pivotal juncture in Cubdom, what will our patronage mean?
Hopefully Cuban will get a fair shake, but we're not waiting around to see. We have to try and influence the odds, not depend on them.
Accordingly, starting with this entry we’re going to rally some like-minded fans: “Cub fans for Cuban.” Each week we’ll send their names and comments to your office. We may not affect the outcome but wouldn't it be something if we did.
We are Cub fans & this is our future: a century is a long time to wait.
For love of the Cubs, for love of the game,
Ivan & Oil Can (Michael & Doug)
Want to join the Cub fans supporting Cuban? Think MLB would be better off with Cuban in the league? We need you! ALL of you! Leave your name and a comment on this entry or email us at: cubsforcuban@gmail.com. Each week we'll send an updated list to Commissioner Selig's Office and give progress reports on this site.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
NBA Action, It's Fantastic (Sometimes)!! & Nip/Tuck
Fall House Cleaning:
The NBA season starts tonight and, yes, I am pretty excited. I know a lot of people who really couldn't give a rats behind about the NBA or the 82 game season. That line of thought has its points. The NBA has issues with officials gambling and possibly throwing games, they have players who phone it in on a sometime nightly basis, they have TEAMS who phone it in for the last month of the season just to get better odds in the draft lottery, and the players are younger, more immature, and less polished than they were back in the NBA's glory days of the 80's.
I get that, but here is why you should dip your toe in the NBA pool:
The NBA isn't ice cream and cotton candy every single night, but for those great match-ups, it's definitely worth your free time and some beers.
- Nip/Tuck season 5 starts tonight on the FX. For those of you who haven't gotten into the show, I highly advise it. It's one of those rare shows that really pushes the limits of what can be shown on standard cable. The plots and subplots are vicious and will definitely have you doing double-takes at some point. Furthermore, it's more of a guys show than some may think, and the scenery sure is nice on the eyes. It's a critical season for Nip/Tuck, though, as it will be hard to keep the momentum after 4 great seasons. Netflix the past 4 seasons and TiVo this season, you won't be disappointed.
- The NL < The AL .............. GOOOOOO CUBS 2008!!!!!
- The first podcast seems to have "launched" (I use that term loosely) successfully. We will entertain viewer questions also, so feel free to give us your ponderings. We ARE technology.
- The NCAA basketball preview is forthcoming.
- I'd have to throw Bonnie Bernstein in there, big fan.
The NBA season starts tonight and, yes, I am pretty excited. I know a lot of people who really couldn't give a rats behind about the NBA or the 82 game season. That line of thought has its points. The NBA has issues with officials gambling and possibly throwing games, they have players who phone it in on a sometime nightly basis, they have TEAMS who phone it in for the last month of the season just to get better odds in the draft lottery, and the players are younger, more immature, and less polished than they were back in the NBA's glory days of the 80's.
I get that, but here is why you should dip your toe in the NBA pool:
- Charles Barkley's Commentary - Sir Charles' popularity has possibly turned him into the biggest ambassador to pro hoops in the world and he's not afraid to voice his opinion of what Commissioner Stern needs to do to fix the NBA's problems. I've got my money on Charles being the best sports analyst of TV and half of what he talks about isn't even related to sports. The guys on TNT (Ernie Johnson, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, and Charles) have great chemistry together and make it fun at halftime and even after the games. Here are some of my favorite Chuck soundbites that I pulled from barkleyquotes.blogspot.com:
- Kenny: There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!
- Charles: Those are called 'brothers'.
- Ernie: What's the Knick's problem right now?
- Charles: They no good.
- "You don't wear Nikes, it's gonna happen. They gave him all that money to wear those cheap Filas." --Charles, re: Grant Hill's foot injuries.
- "This is my schedule: I wake up in the morning, decide where to play golf, and drink beer all day."
- The Phoenix Suns - The definition of fun basketball. They represent what the NBA used to be: Up-tempo, high octane basketball. The Suns have one of the best all-around point guards to ever play the game in Steve Nash, they have a rising young stud center in Amare Stoudamire, and they have a do-it-all, guard anyone stat collector in the Matrix (Shawn Marion). Not to mention, they have a collection of role players that play their role to a T. If you are a fan of hoops, you can't tell me it's not fun to watch the Suns play and put up 120 points. Here's to the Suns winning this year's NBA Championship in true Showtime fashion.
- The Trifecta (The Boston Celtics) - My favorite player of the past decade got traded to the Boston Celtics. I grew up rooting for the Showtime Lakers. While this is a problem, what won't be a problem is watching 3 All-Stars run rampid in the Eastern Conference. The Celtics have been downright awful for as many years as my braincells allow me to remember, but this is the year they return to being a powerhouse. KG, Ray Ray, and Paul Pierce, what a combo. They are another team that will be fun to watch, and one that you should try to catch as much as possible. I've got them losing to the Bulls in the Eastern Finals.
- Fantasy Basketball - Get Into The Game!! It keeps me up on most of the major happenings.....and it's FUN.
- Super sleepers: Acie Law, Rajon Rondo, Jason Maxiell, Andris Biedrins, and Jamal Tinsley
- Bargain shoppers (Results of my draft): Kevin Martin (Rd 5), Ricky Davis (Rd 5), Shane Battier (Rd 9), Mike Dunleavy (Rd 12), Manu Ginobili (Rd 6)
- The Golden State Warriors - I've got 7-2 odds that at some point this season there is a riot at a Warrior game and Stephen Jackson whips out a sawed-off shotgun and starts blasting opponents and spectators. Advice, sell your Warriors tickets and buy the NBA game package.
The NBA isn't ice cream and cotton candy every single night, but for those great match-ups, it's definitely worth your free time and some beers.
Notes from the Breeders' Cup at the OTB (CST)
11:08 AM: I love the smell of napalm in the morning (i.e. an OTB full of gambling degenerates who haven’t bathed in weeks).
11:14 AM: The track looks like a quagmire. Monmouth Park spent $50M in renovations to host the Breeders' Cup, and it has rained for 96 straight hours leading up to the big day. Attendance & wagering will be down fo’ shore. This is what horse racing gets for trying to “branch out” – hosting a marquee event in New Jersey.
11:39 AM: One race into the proceedings and I’m down $25. BUT my Pick Three is still alive. Whoever called “hope” a “grand essential” in life was onto something, even if they didn’t intend it in the context of: “I’m gonna get really wasted (as opposed to pretty wasted) if I win this Pick Three.”
11:50 AM: Note to self: "speed looks like it will hold up in the mud." Follow-on thought: "I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on my drum all day."
12:16 PM: Lost the second race. The aforementioned Pick Three is now muerto as well. It's time for a Bud Heavy.
12:32 PM: The bar across the street from the OTB doesn’t serve Budweiser products. I’m drinking a Spiced-Pumpkin-Latte (Octoberfest) Sam Adams instead: hardly an ideal trade off. Tomorrow, I’ll be retaining Steven Colbert to help me wage a PR assault on this un-American watering hole (Joe’s on Weed St.).
12:58 PM: We have a winning ticket. Honey Ryder was second in the Filly/Mare Turf. Me and my boy Jim had $20 on her to show. Our winnings, $46.50, won’t allow us to retire. But they will pay for two more adult beverages.
1:17 PM: This just in: the $0.10 superfecta is the greatest invention since microwave popcorn. The only downside to the $0.10 super is the focus that’s required to read off a wheel at the betting window. It’s like doing an algebra equation, except without the jingles which help you remember how to factor.
1:40 PM: Midnight Lute just made a redonkulous last-to-first move to win the BC Sprint. The other horses looked like they were tied to a post. The Lute won the Forego at Saratoga this summer in similar fashion -- a legitimate superstar in the making. We’ll still be talking about this colt's performance at day’s end.
1:44 PM: Just heard on the broadcast that Midnight Lute is named after Arizona Basketball coach Lute Olsen, who apparently stole a key recruit from Tark's Running Rebels at the last hour. Now that is a great anecdote to the proceedings (and a great name for a horse).
1:58 PM: Bumped into a smoking brunette in line betting. This never happens. On a normal day the OTB is home to exactly the same number of attractive females as Augusta National: zero.
Speaking of said female, I think she thinks I’m staring at her. That’s probably because I am. Amidst my staring I’m also experiencing a sensation of bewilderment. It’s like the feeling I had the first time I saw Craig “Ironhead” Heyward get zestfully clean, a commercial which left me baffled and immobile for a solid five minutes.
2:04 PM: Still perspiring after the run-in with the brunette, but I’m regaining feeling in my toes. Granted, if I encounter another OTB vixen I’ll probably be in a coma tomorrow. If that happens, tell my doctors to replay Sunday Silence’s BC Classic over and over near my bedside. If that won’t wake me up, nothing will.
2:28 PM: I had seven different horses to beat Excellent Art (who ran second as I expected) in the Mile Turf, but Kip Deville (who won) wasn’t one of my seven. The Gods are obviously angry with me today. I'd best pound another cold one and ponder my next move.
2:55 PM: Starting to get stoked for the Classic even though we’re still 100 minutes from post. Five excellent horses have a legitimate shot at the winner’s share of $5M bones. The only bummer is that last year’s champion, Invasor, had to be retired earlier this year and won’t be racing. This is doubly unfortunate because Kenny Mayne would unleash a killer Cheech Marin “Eeeeen-vaaa-Sooore” every time the horse took to the track. If Invasor had stayed healthy, this would have been a Classic for the ages.
3:11 PM: Still raining at Monmouth, but it’s getting a little sunnier at the OTB. Had the exacta in the Distaff with Ginger Punch over Hystericalady (who ran a hell of a race from the twelve hole). Can’t mess with my formula for success: I had a beer before the last race, better grab another one before this one.
3:31 PM: I just saw a guy in line betting that looked exactly like Officer Vince Romano from T.J. Hooker. Potentially famous people + hotties at the OTB…this day officially = bizarro world. I’d best call Frodo and make sure the one true ring is in safe keeping.
3:55 PM: English Channel romped the field in the $3M Turf. My horse, Grand Couturier, was so far behind the leaders going into the far turn I had to call OnStar and check on his whereabouts. The colt somehow made up enough ground to finish 5th, but I’m still pissed at the jockey (unlike in the movie SeaBiscuit, if your horse isn’t within 100 yards of the pack, he’s not hitting the board).
3:56 PM: I’m on hold with the Better Business Bureau. I didn’t know who else to call. I figure they can log a “my jockey was an imbecile and owes me money” complaint.
4:11 PM: My boy Jim just made the switch from vodka lemonades to beer; the day is officially approaching Ludicrous Speed.
4:27 PM: The horses are on the track for the Classic, and the smell of excitement is palpable. And I mean that in literal terms: the OTB stinks more than usual.
4:33 PM: Two minutes to post and the sun is shining at Monmouth for the first time in a fortnight; this is the sport of kings.
4:43 PM: Curlin won the Classic in awesome fashion. He also ran an otherworldly time over a very sloppy track (just over two minutes for 1 ¼ miles). What a performance! All the more enjoyable because Jim and I had a $4 exacta with Curlin over Hard Spun (payout $141). Finished the day close to even, minus the cost of six brews.
4:44 PM: Already bummed out. The Classic may have been Curlin’s last race. Decent chance he’ll retire to stud immediately (paid to nail fillies all day). The owners for Street Sense and Hard Spun already announced their colts are headed to the barn. Not great for the sport. In my opinion, not fair to these unbelievable colts/athletes either.
Staying with this point, if you were Curlin would you want to sit in a barn and lay pipe from here to eternity? Don’t you think he deserves more than a never-ending line of sexed up fillies waiting to ante $75K (or more) for a ride in his hay? Plus, in all likelihood Curlin's best days on the track are still ahead of him.
I'd better call PETA and see if they’ll help me organize a protest, with the animal’s best interests in mind.
4:58 PM: Another Breeder’s Cup has come and gone. Thankfully, next year the festivities are at Santa Anita: a welcome SoCal alternative to the Noah’s Ark that was New Jersey. I’ll meet any takers in the infield twelve months from now in Arcadia.
4:59 PM: In the interim, it’s only six months until the first Saturday in May: talk Derby to me!
11:14 AM: The track looks like a quagmire. Monmouth Park spent $50M in renovations to host the Breeders' Cup, and it has rained for 96 straight hours leading up to the big day. Attendance & wagering will be down fo’ shore. This is what horse racing gets for trying to “branch out” – hosting a marquee event in New Jersey.
11:39 AM: One race into the proceedings and I’m down $25. BUT my Pick Three is still alive. Whoever called “hope” a “grand essential” in life was onto something, even if they didn’t intend it in the context of: “I’m gonna get really wasted (as opposed to pretty wasted) if I win this Pick Three.”
11:50 AM: Note to self: "speed looks like it will hold up in the mud." Follow-on thought: "I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on my drum all day."
12:16 PM: Lost the second race. The aforementioned Pick Three is now muerto as well. It's time for a Bud Heavy.
12:32 PM: The bar across the street from the OTB doesn’t serve Budweiser products. I’m drinking a Spiced-Pumpkin-Latte (Octoberfest) Sam Adams instead: hardly an ideal trade off. Tomorrow, I’ll be retaining Steven Colbert to help me wage a PR assault on this un-American watering hole (Joe’s on Weed St.).
12:58 PM: We have a winning ticket. Honey Ryder was second in the Filly/Mare Turf. Me and my boy Jim had $20 on her to show. Our winnings, $46.50, won’t allow us to retire. But they will pay for two more adult beverages.
1:17 PM: This just in: the $0.10 superfecta is the greatest invention since microwave popcorn. The only downside to the $0.10 super is the focus that’s required to read off a wheel at the betting window. It’s like doing an algebra equation, except without the jingles which help you remember how to factor.
1:40 PM: Midnight Lute just made a redonkulous last-to-first move to win the BC Sprint. The other horses looked like they were tied to a post. The Lute won the Forego at Saratoga this summer in similar fashion -- a legitimate superstar in the making. We’ll still be talking about this colt's performance at day’s end.
1:44 PM: Just heard on the broadcast that Midnight Lute is named after Arizona Basketball coach Lute Olsen, who apparently stole a key recruit from Tark's Running Rebels at the last hour. Now that is a great anecdote to the proceedings (and a great name for a horse).
1:58 PM: Bumped into a smoking brunette in line betting. This never happens. On a normal day the OTB is home to exactly the same number of attractive females as Augusta National: zero.
Speaking of said female, I think she thinks I’m staring at her. That’s probably because I am. Amidst my staring I’m also experiencing a sensation of bewilderment. It’s like the feeling I had the first time I saw Craig “Ironhead” Heyward get zestfully clean, a commercial which left me baffled and immobile for a solid five minutes.
2:04 PM: Still perspiring after the run-in with the brunette, but I’m regaining feeling in my toes. Granted, if I encounter another OTB vixen I’ll probably be in a coma tomorrow. If that happens, tell my doctors to replay Sunday Silence’s BC Classic over and over near my bedside. If that won’t wake me up, nothing will.
2:28 PM: I had seven different horses to beat Excellent Art (who ran second as I expected) in the Mile Turf, but Kip Deville (who won) wasn’t one of my seven. The Gods are obviously angry with me today. I'd best pound another cold one and ponder my next move.
2:55 PM: Starting to get stoked for the Classic even though we’re still 100 minutes from post. Five excellent horses have a legitimate shot at the winner’s share of $5M bones. The only bummer is that last year’s champion, Invasor, had to be retired earlier this year and won’t be racing. This is doubly unfortunate because Kenny Mayne would unleash a killer Cheech Marin “Eeeeen-vaaa-Sooore” every time the horse took to the track. If Invasor had stayed healthy, this would have been a Classic for the ages.
3:11 PM: Still raining at Monmouth, but it’s getting a little sunnier at the OTB. Had the exacta in the Distaff with Ginger Punch over Hystericalady (who ran a hell of a race from the twelve hole). Can’t mess with my formula for success: I had a beer before the last race, better grab another one before this one.
3:31 PM: I just saw a guy in line betting that looked exactly like Officer Vince Romano from T.J. Hooker. Potentially famous people + hotties at the OTB…this day officially = bizarro world. I’d best call Frodo and make sure the one true ring is in safe keeping.
3:55 PM: English Channel romped the field in the $3M Turf. My horse, Grand Couturier, was so far behind the leaders going into the far turn I had to call OnStar and check on his whereabouts. The colt somehow made up enough ground to finish 5th, but I’m still pissed at the jockey (unlike in the movie SeaBiscuit, if your horse isn’t within 100 yards of the pack, he’s not hitting the board).
3:56 PM: I’m on hold with the Better Business Bureau. I didn’t know who else to call. I figure they can log a “my jockey was an imbecile and owes me money” complaint.
4:11 PM: My boy Jim just made the switch from vodka lemonades to beer; the day is officially approaching Ludicrous Speed.
4:27 PM: The horses are on the track for the Classic, and the smell of excitement is palpable. And I mean that in literal terms: the OTB stinks more than usual.
4:33 PM: Two minutes to post and the sun is shining at Monmouth for the first time in a fortnight; this is the sport of kings.
4:43 PM: Curlin won the Classic in awesome fashion. He also ran an otherworldly time over a very sloppy track (just over two minutes for 1 ¼ miles). What a performance! All the more enjoyable because Jim and I had a $4 exacta with Curlin over Hard Spun (payout $141). Finished the day close to even, minus the cost of six brews.
4:44 PM: Already bummed out. The Classic may have been Curlin’s last race. Decent chance he’ll retire to stud immediately (paid to nail fillies all day). The owners for Street Sense and Hard Spun already announced their colts are headed to the barn. Not great for the sport. In my opinion, not fair to these unbelievable colts/athletes either.
Staying with this point, if you were Curlin would you want to sit in a barn and lay pipe from here to eternity? Don’t you think he deserves more than a never-ending line of sexed up fillies waiting to ante $75K (or more) for a ride in his hay? Plus, in all likelihood Curlin's best days on the track are still ahead of him.
I'd better call PETA and see if they’ll help me organize a protest, with the animal’s best interests in mind.
4:58 PM: Another Breeder’s Cup has come and gone. Thankfully, next year the festivities are at Santa Anita: a welcome SoCal alternative to the Noah’s Ark that was New Jersey. I’ll meet any takers in the infield twelve months from now in Arcadia.
4:59 PM: In the interim, it’s only six months until the first Saturday in May: talk Derby to me!
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Weekly Podcast
The Weekly Podcast is a regular entry in which the Deporters principal authors ask four questions to each other on anything (even remotely) sports related. Admittedly, our "podcast" lacks certain characteristics normally associated with podcasts. For a detailed explanation, see #5 in "The Rules of Engagement."
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Will Tom Brady break Peyton Manning's record for TDs in a season? Follow on question. Who's Brady most likely to impregnate next: Giselle, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, or Erin Andrews?
Tom Brady will absolutely break Peyton Manning's record. The guy already has 27 touchdowns after 7 games. Through 7 games he has thrown more touchdowns than John Elway ever threw in one season, 4 less than Joe Montana's highest total, and 5 less than Johnny Unitas' highest season total. He is currently averaging 3.857 TD's per game, His high is 6 this year, and he hasn't thrown less than 3 in a game. If he averages 2 per game the rest of the season, he'll finish with 45 (4 short). If his average "falls" to 3 for the rest of the season, he'll finish with 54 TDs (plus 5). It's a veritable Oaf guarantee that he'll break it, and I'll put his final tally at 56.
Tom Brady should impregnate the ladies in this order Giselle, Jessica Alba, Erin Andrews, and Jessica Biel.
2) Joe Torre: will or won't coach again in the major leagues?
If I were Joe Torre, I'd pack it up and go to SoCal so that I could play golf all year long. He has enough money, rings, and playoff appearances, plus he's old. Relax, drink cocktails, and ride out the rest of your time on the links......or hanging out with the family.....yeah, the links.
3) Were you or were you not recently on the back stretch at Churchill Downs visiting the stalls of D. Wayne Lukas? If so, how do you explain your tardiness in reporting on this marquee event (you toothless salt cricket)?
This is a fact. I was holding out for a one on one interview with Oprah. Unfortunately the queen of self promotion never called.
A guy that works for my company owns a 15k dollar claimer and has it in one of the barns behind the track at Churchill. When I was in the Lou', doing some training, he took me and another co-worker out to visit his horse and see the backside. It was pretty spectacular. I never realized this, but there's a community of people who live and work in the stables on the backside. There are a few small apartment complexes, some apartments above the stables themselves, and a handful of community bathrooms and showers. In the busy season, that are nearly 1500 people who live and work back there. That's almost more than the population of Georgetown, IN (the suburb of the Knobs where I grew up).
We cruised by D. Wayne Lucas' stall, which was easily the nicest and most decorated.
The only downside was that I wasn't able to go see the Derby stall. This is where any horse that races in the Derby can hang out for the year. The have the entire year to use the stall, and from what I heard, they are very nice.
Most importantly, in seeing this 15K claimer and asking some investigative (monetary) questions along the way, it has become very clear that the pipe dream of Hainted Farms.......is no pipe dream at all. It is very doable, and more than likely will happen at some point. I urge everyone to keep their eye out for a 25-1 Derby darkhorse named Irma's Haint in the future.
4) Josh Beckett, kin to Superman or Optimus Prime?
This is all hearsay, but rumor has it that Josh Beckett's mom is She-Ra and his father is Optimus Prime. Now, I'm not quite sure how sexual intercourse works between machines and humans, but regardless, that is a potent combination. It's no wonder he throws 98 mph heat that no one can hit. It's also no coincidence that She-Ra's brother is Rick Vaughn.
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) Who would you rather have sex with: Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, or Suzy Kolber? Why?
Nice going partner. One question in and I can tell the weekly podcast is gonna house more than a few gutter balls. Somebody cancel my membership to Toastmasters.
Having said as much, I'll play along.
Since I’m not a foot-tapping Senator who moonlights in airport stalls, I’m opting for Suzy K. Besides, Suzy always seems so....pleasant. Plus, I can apply the Jekyll/Hyde bedroom coefficient which universally recognizes that nice girls = naughty in the sack. In summation, Suzy not only deserves a X-mas card from the Deporters; she's also a virtual lock to be a card carrying member in the category: "unlikely owners of bedroom whips and chains."
2) Who are the top 5 hottest sideline reporters of all time? Who would win in a naked mud wrestling cage match with the other 4?
Even better. We went from throwing gutter balls to swimming in pond scum with Dante in just two questions. I hope my mom isn’t reading this (might replace “mom” with “everyone” by week's end).
Three of my five will be familiar: Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, and Lisa Guerrero. My fourth entrant is from ESPN Deportes (for all the right reasons): Adriana Monslave. And my final "sideline" hottie is Knobber Kristy Pierce who admittedly isn’t a sideline reporter. BUT she once adorned the Floyd Central sidelines as a dazzler and has since become a mega-babe. In other words, this categorical manipulation is 100% acceptable (see #4 in "The Rules of Engagement").
As for who'd win in the naked, mud cage, I’m going with Arrington who once said of Melissa Stark, “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” That comment has to make her the morning line favorite.
Anecdotally, if we could somehow (!?!) get these five to wrestle naked, I'd set the over/under for the number of tickets we could sell at 200 million: every straight American male plus a solid 40 – 50 million internationals and illegals.
Call Don King; see what us three "promoters" can do about this one.
3) Coming from a guy who says that he won't buy cigarette stocks, how can you support Kelvin Sampson and his low moral fiber? Huh, dude?
Only a greaseball codger like yourself could produce a question like this. I'll expect more of these in the future.
On my morality meter, minor recruiting infractions (a few extra texts to a bff) are about a gazillion notches more acceptable than reaping profits from the slaughter of mankind. Maybe you should throw on some Wranglers and a wife beater (better make it an XXL) and light up a Marlboro for our readers; I'll come snap a pic and we can post it next week.
4) IU, UL, UK hoops, who makes a run of it this year? When are we going to introduce these people to the Mark Cuban movement?
Got to respect Pitino's job with a young Cards team last year. They are deservedly ranked the highest (at #6) amongst this trio preseason. But I’m still not convinced the Cards have enough ammo for a run in '08. My gut says they’ll be too inconsistent on offense.
I looked at Kentucky’s roster and recognized three names. That ain’t good. Accordingly, I can only muster one definitive positive about the Wildcats' hardcourt season: we're guaranteed to see Ashley Judd. Granted, that beats the positives for 2/3 of the Big Ten, but it still doesn't make for much dancing in March.
That leaves the Hoosiers. Normally I’m hesitant to put much stock in a team that is going to ride a freshman, but I’m going against the grain because of Eric Gordon’s skill set (extends the floor, natural shooter/scorer).
To go with Gordon, the Hoosiers have a dependable, albeit slightly overrated, occupier of front court space in D.J. White. Their backcourt is experienced and can defend. So....if A.J. Ratliff can pass a few classes (he’s academically ineligible this fall) and the team can come to grips with a freshman being the main scoring option (Gordon will account for 16 or more pts a game), I think IU is capable of wreaking a little havoc amidst the Madness. Don't get me wrong: the start of the season will be bumpy, but I think "my boy" Sampson will have them ready come March.
Pencil the Hoosiers in for the Elite 8.
Cuban = manana.
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Will Tom Brady break Peyton Manning's record for TDs in a season? Follow on question. Who's Brady most likely to impregnate next: Giselle, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, or Erin Andrews?
Tom Brady will absolutely break Peyton Manning's record. The guy already has 27 touchdowns after 7 games. Through 7 games he has thrown more touchdowns than John Elway ever threw in one season, 4 less than Joe Montana's highest total, and 5 less than Johnny Unitas' highest season total. He is currently averaging 3.857 TD's per game, His high is 6 this year, and he hasn't thrown less than 3 in a game. If he averages 2 per game the rest of the season, he'll finish with 45 (4 short). If his average "falls" to 3 for the rest of the season, he'll finish with 54 TDs (plus 5). It's a veritable Oaf guarantee that he'll break it, and I'll put his final tally at 56.
Tom Brady should impregnate the ladies in this order Giselle, Jessica Alba, Erin Andrews, and Jessica Biel.
2) Joe Torre: will or won't coach again in the major leagues?
If I were Joe Torre, I'd pack it up and go to SoCal so that I could play golf all year long. He has enough money, rings, and playoff appearances, plus he's old. Relax, drink cocktails, and ride out the rest of your time on the links......or hanging out with the family.....yeah, the links.
3) Were you or were you not recently on the back stretch at Churchill Downs visiting the stalls of D. Wayne Lukas? If so, how do you explain your tardiness in reporting on this marquee event (you toothless salt cricket)?
This is a fact. I was holding out for a one on one interview with Oprah. Unfortunately the queen of self promotion never called.
A guy that works for my company owns a 15k dollar claimer and has it in one of the barns behind the track at Churchill. When I was in the Lou', doing some training, he took me and another co-worker out to visit his horse and see the backside. It was pretty spectacular. I never realized this, but there's a community of people who live and work in the stables on the backside. There are a few small apartment complexes, some apartments above the stables themselves, and a handful of community bathrooms and showers. In the busy season, that are nearly 1500 people who live and work back there. That's almost more than the population of Georgetown, IN (the suburb of the Knobs where I grew up).
We cruised by D. Wayne Lucas' stall, which was easily the nicest and most decorated.
The only downside was that I wasn't able to go see the Derby stall. This is where any horse that races in the Derby can hang out for the year. The have the entire year to use the stall, and from what I heard, they are very nice.
Most importantly, in seeing this 15K claimer and asking some investigative (monetary) questions along the way, it has become very clear that the pipe dream of Hainted Farms.......is no pipe dream at all. It is very doable, and more than likely will happen at some point. I urge everyone to keep their eye out for a 25-1 Derby darkhorse named Irma's Haint in the future.
4) Josh Beckett, kin to Superman or Optimus Prime?
This is all hearsay, but rumor has it that Josh Beckett's mom is She-Ra and his father is Optimus Prime. Now, I'm not quite sure how sexual intercourse works between machines and humans, but regardless, that is a potent combination. It's no wonder he throws 98 mph heat that no one can hit. It's also no coincidence that She-Ra's brother is Rick Vaughn.
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) Who would you rather have sex with: Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, or Suzy Kolber? Why?
Nice going partner. One question in and I can tell the weekly podcast is gonna house more than a few gutter balls. Somebody cancel my membership to Toastmasters.
Having said as much, I'll play along.
Since I’m not a foot-tapping Senator who moonlights in airport stalls, I’m opting for Suzy K. Besides, Suzy always seems so....pleasant. Plus, I can apply the Jekyll/Hyde bedroom coefficient which universally recognizes that nice girls = naughty in the sack. In summation, Suzy not only deserves a X-mas card from the Deporters; she's also a virtual lock to be a card carrying member in the category: "unlikely owners of bedroom whips and chains."
2) Who are the top 5 hottest sideline reporters of all time? Who would win in a naked mud wrestling cage match with the other 4?
Even better. We went from throwing gutter balls to swimming in pond scum with Dante in just two questions. I hope my mom isn’t reading this (might replace “mom” with “everyone” by week's end).
Three of my five will be familiar: Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, and Lisa Guerrero. My fourth entrant is from ESPN Deportes (for all the right reasons): Adriana Monslave. And my final "sideline" hottie is Knobber Kristy Pierce who admittedly isn’t a sideline reporter. BUT she once adorned the Floyd Central sidelines as a dazzler and has since become a mega-babe. In other words, this categorical manipulation is 100% acceptable (see #4 in "The Rules of Engagement").
As for who'd win in the naked, mud cage, I’m going with Arrington who once said of Melissa Stark, “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” That comment has to make her the morning line favorite.
Anecdotally, if we could somehow (!?!) get these five to wrestle naked, I'd set the over/under for the number of tickets we could sell at 200 million: every straight American male plus a solid 40 – 50 million internationals and illegals.
Call Don King; see what us three "promoters" can do about this one.
3) Coming from a guy who says that he won't buy cigarette stocks, how can you support Kelvin Sampson and his low moral fiber? Huh, dude?
Only a greaseball codger like yourself could produce a question like this. I'll expect more of these in the future.
On my morality meter, minor recruiting infractions (a few extra texts to a bff) are about a gazillion notches more acceptable than reaping profits from the slaughter of mankind. Maybe you should throw on some Wranglers and a wife beater (better make it an XXL) and light up a Marlboro for our readers; I'll come snap a pic and we can post it next week.
4) IU, UL, UK hoops, who makes a run of it this year? When are we going to introduce these people to the Mark Cuban movement?
Got to respect Pitino's job with a young Cards team last year. They are deservedly ranked the highest (at #6) amongst this trio preseason. But I’m still not convinced the Cards have enough ammo for a run in '08. My gut says they’ll be too inconsistent on offense.
I looked at Kentucky’s roster and recognized three names. That ain’t good. Accordingly, I can only muster one definitive positive about the Wildcats' hardcourt season: we're guaranteed to see Ashley Judd. Granted, that beats the positives for 2/3 of the Big Ten, but it still doesn't make for much dancing in March.
That leaves the Hoosiers. Normally I’m hesitant to put much stock in a team that is going to ride a freshman, but I’m going against the grain because of Eric Gordon’s skill set (extends the floor, natural shooter/scorer).
To go with Gordon, the Hoosiers have a dependable, albeit slightly overrated, occupier of front court space in D.J. White. Their backcourt is experienced and can defend. So....if A.J. Ratliff can pass a few classes (he’s academically ineligible this fall) and the team can come to grips with a freshman being the main scoring option (Gordon will account for 16 or more pts a game), I think IU is capable of wreaking a little havoc amidst the Madness. Don't get me wrong: the start of the season will be bumpy, but I think "my boy" Sampson will have them ready come March.
Pencil the Hoosiers in for the Elite 8.
Cuban = manana.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Lake Tittikaka....
This blog entry is dedicated to the old codger who feeds the some 1000 pigeons (flying rats) each morning smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk on Monroe St. Dude, it's not that cool.
I. The Interview
When the allegations surfaced late last week, in regards to the apparent breast enlargement of Erin Andrews, the Senior Editor of The Sports Deporters (Chest Rockwell) sent Oil Can Boyd out to investigate the matter. The following is an excerpt of his afterhours conversation with Miss Andrews at Club Seven in Las Vegas.......all post a full day of Mojitos in Havana, Cuba.
Oil Can Boyd: I'm lovin' how you look in my eyes, swangin' them hips when you pass. I'm visualizin' my name tattooed on that ass.....baby.
E. Andrews: Excuse me?
O. Can Boyd: If you read between the lines you can see that I want you, I betcha I'll have you doin' what you said that you won't do. Make a decision shorty, good thangs don't last long.....you're girlfriend keeps showing me that thong.
E. Andrews: It's all because of you. I'm feelin' sad and blue, 'cause you went away and now my life is filled with rainy days.
O. Can Boyd: Cheer Up! [I gave her a hit.] You can't have me I'm too young for you CENSOR.
E. Andrews: No your not! [She starts cryin'.]
O. Can Boyd: I'm nineteen.
E Andrews: Stop lyin'.
O. Can Boyd: I am. Go ask my mother, and with your wrinkled CENSOR....CENSOR..CENSOR.
The details beyond this point are hazy to all conspirators, but rumor has it that Oil Can Boyd was found later that night at The Hard Rock Casino in a crowded hot tub with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. See US Weekly for further details.
II. The Call
I am not one to toot my own horn, but......well, yes I am. I am still waiting on the good, hard-earned cash payoff from Ivan Drago. How 'bout them SOOOOX. I really wasn't even scared at 1-3. Why? See all of the reasons I listed previously.....and that's why Boston won. Beckett was absolutely reDonkulous, Schilling was pretty damn good in Game 6, and Dice K was above average in Game 7. And oh yeah, those Boston hitters I was stroking last week? They outscored the Indians 30-5 over the last 3 games. That's titties.
Oil Can says, Boston again, this time in 5 games.
Ivan, make your check payable to Mr. and Mrs. Erin Andrews.
III. Stuff
When did Pedro Gomez start to look like Herman Munster? He looks downright terrible. Is it because it's his busy season? He just called Aaron Cook, Dennis Cook. Dude, get some sleep. Maybe I'm the only one that saw him on TV the other night.....but I felt bad for the guy.
Kelvin Sampson still works for Indiana University. I'm still bummed out.
IV. The Idea
Here's my addition to the world of reality TV. I want to start a reality show.....and maybe this has happened, but if it has, the show wasn't good enough. Anywho, I want to start a show where they take your average, everyday people and put them together with some of the best sports trainers in the world. The selected people, who would have to try out and fall under some maximum standards for selection, would be able to select a sport in which they would spend the next 6 months to a year doing nothing but training for that sport in which they would try to go pro......What a great idea you say? That's what I thought too.
If anybody is reading this who can make it happen, the only stipulation is that I get an automatic bid.
I came up with this idea because I think I could go pro if I just had enough time to work on my game. What is my game you ask. Well, when I was in the sixth grade I was an undefeated pitcher in Little League. I'm ambidextrous, but mostly left handed and I hit for average. I'm pretty sure my average the last year before I retired was .444. I threw a cut fastball, a good two seamer, and right before I retired I discovered a solid off-speed pitch. In fact, I struck out Chris Wells twice in one game and threw him 6 palm balls. We won the league and won the playoffs that year, but unfortunately my mom scheduled our family vacation for the playoffs and I wasn't able to expose the Josh Beckett in me. It is my belief that I could be a pretty good relief pitcher for, at least, the next 15 years.
I also think that I have a better jumper than JJ Redick and that I would be a more effective pro player than he will be. So really, I would have a difficult decision on my hands deciding between those two.
In other news, stay tuned for The Sports Deporters Podcast. It will be coming to an iTunes near you, soon.
I. The Interview
When the allegations surfaced late last week, in regards to the apparent breast enlargement of Erin Andrews, the Senior Editor of The Sports Deporters (Chest Rockwell) sent Oil Can Boyd out to investigate the matter. The following is an excerpt of his afterhours conversation with Miss Andrews at Club Seven in Las Vegas.......all post a full day of Mojitos in Havana, Cuba.
Oil Can Boyd: I'm lovin' how you look in my eyes, swangin' them hips when you pass. I'm visualizin' my name tattooed on that ass.....baby.
E. Andrews: Excuse me?
O. Can Boyd: If you read between the lines you can see that I want you, I betcha I'll have you doin' what you said that you won't do. Make a decision shorty, good thangs don't last long.....you're girlfriend keeps showing me that thong.
E. Andrews: It's all because of you. I'm feelin' sad and blue, 'cause you went away and now my life is filled with rainy days.
O. Can Boyd: Cheer Up! [I gave her a hit.] You can't have me I'm too young for you CENSOR.
E. Andrews: No your not! [She starts cryin'.]
O. Can Boyd: I'm nineteen.
E Andrews: Stop lyin'.
O. Can Boyd: I am. Go ask my mother, and with your wrinkled CENSOR....CENSOR..CENSOR.
The details beyond this point are hazy to all conspirators, but rumor has it that Oil Can Boyd was found later that night at The Hard Rock Casino in a crowded hot tub with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. See US Weekly for further details.
II. The Call
I am not one to toot my own horn, but......well, yes I am. I am still waiting on the good, hard-earned cash payoff from Ivan Drago. How 'bout them SOOOOX. I really wasn't even scared at 1-3. Why? See all of the reasons I listed previously.....and that's why Boston won. Beckett was absolutely reDonkulous, Schilling was pretty damn good in Game 6, and Dice K was above average in Game 7. And oh yeah, those Boston hitters I was stroking last week? They outscored the Indians 30-5 over the last 3 games. That's titties.
Oil Can says, Boston again, this time in 5 games.
Ivan, make your check payable to Mr. and Mrs. Erin Andrews.
III. Stuff
When did Pedro Gomez start to look like Herman Munster? He looks downright terrible. Is it because it's his busy season? He just called Aaron Cook, Dennis Cook. Dude, get some sleep. Maybe I'm the only one that saw him on TV the other night.....but I felt bad for the guy.
Kelvin Sampson still works for Indiana University. I'm still bummed out.
IV. The Idea
Here's my addition to the world of reality TV. I want to start a reality show.....and maybe this has happened, but if it has, the show wasn't good enough. Anywho, I want to start a show where they take your average, everyday people and put them together with some of the best sports trainers in the world. The selected people, who would have to try out and fall under some maximum standards for selection, would be able to select a sport in which they would spend the next 6 months to a year doing nothing but training for that sport in which they would try to go pro......What a great idea you say? That's what I thought too.
If anybody is reading this who can make it happen, the only stipulation is that I get an automatic bid.
I came up with this idea because I think I could go pro if I just had enough time to work on my game. What is my game you ask. Well, when I was in the sixth grade I was an undefeated pitcher in Little League. I'm ambidextrous, but mostly left handed and I hit for average. I'm pretty sure my average the last year before I retired was .444. I threw a cut fastball, a good two seamer, and right before I retired I discovered a solid off-speed pitch. In fact, I struck out Chris Wells twice in one game and threw him 6 palm balls. We won the league and won the playoffs that year, but unfortunately my mom scheduled our family vacation for the playoffs and I wasn't able to expose the Josh Beckett in me. It is my belief that I could be a pretty good relief pitcher for, at least, the next 15 years.
I also think that I have a better jumper than JJ Redick and that I would be a more effective pro player than he will be. So really, I would have a difficult decision on my hands deciding between those two.
In other news, stay tuned for The Sports Deporters Podcast. It will be coming to an iTunes near you, soon.
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