Dear Commissioner Selig:
This letter comes to you from the corner of Waveland and Sheffield Ave. in Chicago. Unfortunately, it’s the end of October and Wrigley Field has been closed for weeks. The bleacher bums are bumming elsewhere, and the Old Style beer is done for the year.
It’s October, and this is the norm and not the exception: the Cubs have gone 99 seasons without a World Series crown.
Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown and the Cubs of 1908 were the last Northsiders to win the Fall Classic (who, in 1908, played at the West Side Grounds). For frame of reference, sliced bread wasn’t invented until 1928; the Cubs are giving new meaning to the word "drought."
But don’t think for a second we’re content being the lovable losers. For 99 years we have cheered for Hack and Ernie, Fergie and Rhino, the Hawk and even a Bull. We’ve done our part to hoist the “W” flag at Wrigley after ever single game. And yes, in spite of our devotion, it’s been 99 years since the wins lasted through October.
A century is a long time to wait.
But now, after generations of disappointment, the right man wants our fruitless franchise. He’s the one who sits in the bleachers and speaks the language of fans. He’s the maverick who owns the Mavericks, and the Cubs should belong to him.
Mr. Commissioner, bring Mark Cuban to Chicago. That is our dying century’s request.
We know you have reservations: Cuban isn’t a traditional owner (cough, cough). But he built a winner from the rubble in Dallas and earned the respect of his players and the city -- while answering emails from thousands of fans. If there’s a better road map for owning a sports franchise, we can’t imagine how it would read.
To be sure, your job won’t be easier with Cuban in the league. Then again, has our century been a breeze?
And therein lies the heart of the matter – what say have the fans? We came back after the strike and stayed through the steroid days (notice, we didn’t say “era”). Our loyalty has been unwavering, but at this pivotal juncture in Cubdom, what will our patronage mean?
Hopefully Cuban will get a fair shake, but we're not waiting around to see. We have to try and influence the odds, not depend on them.
Accordingly, starting with this entry we’re going to rally some like-minded fans: “Cub fans for Cuban.” Each week we’ll send their names and comments to your office. We may not affect the outcome but wouldn't it be something if we did.
We are Cub fans & this is our future: a century is a long time to wait.
For love of the Cubs, for love of the game,
Ivan & Oil Can (Michael & Doug)
Want to join the Cub fans supporting Cuban? Think MLB would be better off with Cuban in the league? We need you! ALL of you! Leave your name and a comment on this entry or email us at: cubsforcuban@gmail.com. Each week we'll send an updated list to Commissioner Selig's Office and give progress reports on this site.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
NBA Action, It's Fantastic (Sometimes)!! & Nip/Tuck
Fall House Cleaning:
The NBA season starts tonight and, yes, I am pretty excited. I know a lot of people who really couldn't give a rats behind about the NBA or the 82 game season. That line of thought has its points. The NBA has issues with officials gambling and possibly throwing games, they have players who phone it in on a sometime nightly basis, they have TEAMS who phone it in for the last month of the season just to get better odds in the draft lottery, and the players are younger, more immature, and less polished than they were back in the NBA's glory days of the 80's.
I get that, but here is why you should dip your toe in the NBA pool:
The NBA isn't ice cream and cotton candy every single night, but for those great match-ups, it's definitely worth your free time and some beers.
- Nip/Tuck season 5 starts tonight on the FX. For those of you who haven't gotten into the show, I highly advise it. It's one of those rare shows that really pushes the limits of what can be shown on standard cable. The plots and subplots are vicious and will definitely have you doing double-takes at some point. Furthermore, it's more of a guys show than some may think, and the scenery sure is nice on the eyes. It's a critical season for Nip/Tuck, though, as it will be hard to keep the momentum after 4 great seasons. Netflix the past 4 seasons and TiVo this season, you won't be disappointed.
- The NL < The AL .............. GOOOOOO CUBS 2008!!!!!
- The first podcast seems to have "launched" (I use that term loosely) successfully. We will entertain viewer questions also, so feel free to give us your ponderings. We ARE technology.
- The NCAA basketball preview is forthcoming.
- I'd have to throw Bonnie Bernstein in there, big fan.
The NBA season starts tonight and, yes, I am pretty excited. I know a lot of people who really couldn't give a rats behind about the NBA or the 82 game season. That line of thought has its points. The NBA has issues with officials gambling and possibly throwing games, they have players who phone it in on a sometime nightly basis, they have TEAMS who phone it in for the last month of the season just to get better odds in the draft lottery, and the players are younger, more immature, and less polished than they were back in the NBA's glory days of the 80's.
I get that, but here is why you should dip your toe in the NBA pool:
- Charles Barkley's Commentary - Sir Charles' popularity has possibly turned him into the biggest ambassador to pro hoops in the world and he's not afraid to voice his opinion of what Commissioner Stern needs to do to fix the NBA's problems. I've got my money on Charles being the best sports analyst of TV and half of what he talks about isn't even related to sports. The guys on TNT (Ernie Johnson, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, and Charles) have great chemistry together and make it fun at halftime and even after the games. Here are some of my favorite Chuck soundbites that I pulled from barkleyquotes.blogspot.com:
- Kenny: There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!
- Charles: Those are called 'brothers'.
- Ernie: What's the Knick's problem right now?
- Charles: They no good.
- "You don't wear Nikes, it's gonna happen. They gave him all that money to wear those cheap Filas." --Charles, re: Grant Hill's foot injuries.
- "This is my schedule: I wake up in the morning, decide where to play golf, and drink beer all day."
- The Phoenix Suns - The definition of fun basketball. They represent what the NBA used to be: Up-tempo, high octane basketball. The Suns have one of the best all-around point guards to ever play the game in Steve Nash, they have a rising young stud center in Amare Stoudamire, and they have a do-it-all, guard anyone stat collector in the Matrix (Shawn Marion). Not to mention, they have a collection of role players that play their role to a T. If you are a fan of hoops, you can't tell me it's not fun to watch the Suns play and put up 120 points. Here's to the Suns winning this year's NBA Championship in true Showtime fashion.
- The Trifecta (The Boston Celtics) - My favorite player of the past decade got traded to the Boston Celtics. I grew up rooting for the Showtime Lakers. While this is a problem, what won't be a problem is watching 3 All-Stars run rampid in the Eastern Conference. The Celtics have been downright awful for as many years as my braincells allow me to remember, but this is the year they return to being a powerhouse. KG, Ray Ray, and Paul Pierce, what a combo. They are another team that will be fun to watch, and one that you should try to catch as much as possible. I've got them losing to the Bulls in the Eastern Finals.
- Fantasy Basketball - Get Into The Game!! It keeps me up on most of the major happenings.....and it's FUN.
- Super sleepers: Acie Law, Rajon Rondo, Jason Maxiell, Andris Biedrins, and Jamal Tinsley
- Bargain shoppers (Results of my draft): Kevin Martin (Rd 5), Ricky Davis (Rd 5), Shane Battier (Rd 9), Mike Dunleavy (Rd 12), Manu Ginobili (Rd 6)
- The Golden State Warriors - I've got 7-2 odds that at some point this season there is a riot at a Warrior game and Stephen Jackson whips out a sawed-off shotgun and starts blasting opponents and spectators. Advice, sell your Warriors tickets and buy the NBA game package.
The NBA isn't ice cream and cotton candy every single night, but for those great match-ups, it's definitely worth your free time and some beers.
Notes from the Breeders' Cup at the OTB (CST)
11:08 AM: I love the smell of napalm in the morning (i.e. an OTB full of gambling degenerates who haven’t bathed in weeks).
11:14 AM: The track looks like a quagmire. Monmouth Park spent $50M in renovations to host the Breeders' Cup, and it has rained for 96 straight hours leading up to the big day. Attendance & wagering will be down fo’ shore. This is what horse racing gets for trying to “branch out” – hosting a marquee event in New Jersey.
11:39 AM: One race into the proceedings and I’m down $25. BUT my Pick Three is still alive. Whoever called “hope” a “grand essential” in life was onto something, even if they didn’t intend it in the context of: “I’m gonna get really wasted (as opposed to pretty wasted) if I win this Pick Three.”
11:50 AM: Note to self: "speed looks like it will hold up in the mud." Follow-on thought: "I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on my drum all day."
12:16 PM: Lost the second race. The aforementioned Pick Three is now muerto as well. It's time for a Bud Heavy.
12:32 PM: The bar across the street from the OTB doesn’t serve Budweiser products. I’m drinking a Spiced-Pumpkin-Latte (Octoberfest) Sam Adams instead: hardly an ideal trade off. Tomorrow, I’ll be retaining Steven Colbert to help me wage a PR assault on this un-American watering hole (Joe’s on Weed St.).
12:58 PM: We have a winning ticket. Honey Ryder was second in the Filly/Mare Turf. Me and my boy Jim had $20 on her to show. Our winnings, $46.50, won’t allow us to retire. But they will pay for two more adult beverages.
1:17 PM: This just in: the $0.10 superfecta is the greatest invention since microwave popcorn. The only downside to the $0.10 super is the focus that’s required to read off a wheel at the betting window. It’s like doing an algebra equation, except without the jingles which help you remember how to factor.
1:40 PM: Midnight Lute just made a redonkulous last-to-first move to win the BC Sprint. The other horses looked like they were tied to a post. The Lute won the Forego at Saratoga this summer in similar fashion -- a legitimate superstar in the making. We’ll still be talking about this colt's performance at day’s end.
1:44 PM: Just heard on the broadcast that Midnight Lute is named after Arizona Basketball coach Lute Olsen, who apparently stole a key recruit from Tark's Running Rebels at the last hour. Now that is a great anecdote to the proceedings (and a great name for a horse).
1:58 PM: Bumped into a smoking brunette in line betting. This never happens. On a normal day the OTB is home to exactly the same number of attractive females as Augusta National: zero.
Speaking of said female, I think she thinks I’m staring at her. That’s probably because I am. Amidst my staring I’m also experiencing a sensation of bewilderment. It’s like the feeling I had the first time I saw Craig “Ironhead” Heyward get zestfully clean, a commercial which left me baffled and immobile for a solid five minutes.
2:04 PM: Still perspiring after the run-in with the brunette, but I’m regaining feeling in my toes. Granted, if I encounter another OTB vixen I’ll probably be in a coma tomorrow. If that happens, tell my doctors to replay Sunday Silence’s BC Classic over and over near my bedside. If that won’t wake me up, nothing will.
2:28 PM: I had seven different horses to beat Excellent Art (who ran second as I expected) in the Mile Turf, but Kip Deville (who won) wasn’t one of my seven. The Gods are obviously angry with me today. I'd best pound another cold one and ponder my next move.
2:55 PM: Starting to get stoked for the Classic even though we’re still 100 minutes from post. Five excellent horses have a legitimate shot at the winner’s share of $5M bones. The only bummer is that last year’s champion, Invasor, had to be retired earlier this year and won’t be racing. This is doubly unfortunate because Kenny Mayne would unleash a killer Cheech Marin “Eeeeen-vaaa-Sooore” every time the horse took to the track. If Invasor had stayed healthy, this would have been a Classic for the ages.
3:11 PM: Still raining at Monmouth, but it’s getting a little sunnier at the OTB. Had the exacta in the Distaff with Ginger Punch over Hystericalady (who ran a hell of a race from the twelve hole). Can’t mess with my formula for success: I had a beer before the last race, better grab another one before this one.
3:31 PM: I just saw a guy in line betting that looked exactly like Officer Vince Romano from T.J. Hooker. Potentially famous people + hotties at the OTB…this day officially = bizarro world. I’d best call Frodo and make sure the one true ring is in safe keeping.
3:55 PM: English Channel romped the field in the $3M Turf. My horse, Grand Couturier, was so far behind the leaders going into the far turn I had to call OnStar and check on his whereabouts. The colt somehow made up enough ground to finish 5th, but I’m still pissed at the jockey (unlike in the movie SeaBiscuit, if your horse isn’t within 100 yards of the pack, he’s not hitting the board).
3:56 PM: I’m on hold with the Better Business Bureau. I didn’t know who else to call. I figure they can log a “my jockey was an imbecile and owes me money” complaint.
4:11 PM: My boy Jim just made the switch from vodka lemonades to beer; the day is officially approaching Ludicrous Speed.
4:27 PM: The horses are on the track for the Classic, and the smell of excitement is palpable. And I mean that in literal terms: the OTB stinks more than usual.
4:33 PM: Two minutes to post and the sun is shining at Monmouth for the first time in a fortnight; this is the sport of kings.
4:43 PM: Curlin won the Classic in awesome fashion. He also ran an otherworldly time over a very sloppy track (just over two minutes for 1 ¼ miles). What a performance! All the more enjoyable because Jim and I had a $4 exacta with Curlin over Hard Spun (payout $141). Finished the day close to even, minus the cost of six brews.
4:44 PM: Already bummed out. The Classic may have been Curlin’s last race. Decent chance he’ll retire to stud immediately (paid to nail fillies all day). The owners for Street Sense and Hard Spun already announced their colts are headed to the barn. Not great for the sport. In my opinion, not fair to these unbelievable colts/athletes either.
Staying with this point, if you were Curlin would you want to sit in a barn and lay pipe from here to eternity? Don’t you think he deserves more than a never-ending line of sexed up fillies waiting to ante $75K (or more) for a ride in his hay? Plus, in all likelihood Curlin's best days on the track are still ahead of him.
I'd better call PETA and see if they’ll help me organize a protest, with the animal’s best interests in mind.
4:58 PM: Another Breeder’s Cup has come and gone. Thankfully, next year the festivities are at Santa Anita: a welcome SoCal alternative to the Noah’s Ark that was New Jersey. I’ll meet any takers in the infield twelve months from now in Arcadia.
4:59 PM: In the interim, it’s only six months until the first Saturday in May: talk Derby to me!
11:14 AM: The track looks like a quagmire. Monmouth Park spent $50M in renovations to host the Breeders' Cup, and it has rained for 96 straight hours leading up to the big day. Attendance & wagering will be down fo’ shore. This is what horse racing gets for trying to “branch out” – hosting a marquee event in New Jersey.
11:39 AM: One race into the proceedings and I’m down $25. BUT my Pick Three is still alive. Whoever called “hope” a “grand essential” in life was onto something, even if they didn’t intend it in the context of: “I’m gonna get really wasted (as opposed to pretty wasted) if I win this Pick Three.”
11:50 AM: Note to self: "speed looks like it will hold up in the mud." Follow-on thought: "I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on my drum all day."
12:16 PM: Lost the second race. The aforementioned Pick Three is now muerto as well. It's time for a Bud Heavy.
12:32 PM: The bar across the street from the OTB doesn’t serve Budweiser products. I’m drinking a Spiced-Pumpkin-Latte (Octoberfest) Sam Adams instead: hardly an ideal trade off. Tomorrow, I’ll be retaining Steven Colbert to help me wage a PR assault on this un-American watering hole (Joe’s on Weed St.).
12:58 PM: We have a winning ticket. Honey Ryder was second in the Filly/Mare Turf. Me and my boy Jim had $20 on her to show. Our winnings, $46.50, won’t allow us to retire. But they will pay for two more adult beverages.
1:17 PM: This just in: the $0.10 superfecta is the greatest invention since microwave popcorn. The only downside to the $0.10 super is the focus that’s required to read off a wheel at the betting window. It’s like doing an algebra equation, except without the jingles which help you remember how to factor.
1:40 PM: Midnight Lute just made a redonkulous last-to-first move to win the BC Sprint. The other horses looked like they were tied to a post. The Lute won the Forego at Saratoga this summer in similar fashion -- a legitimate superstar in the making. We’ll still be talking about this colt's performance at day’s end.
1:44 PM: Just heard on the broadcast that Midnight Lute is named after Arizona Basketball coach Lute Olsen, who apparently stole a key recruit from Tark's Running Rebels at the last hour. Now that is a great anecdote to the proceedings (and a great name for a horse).
1:58 PM: Bumped into a smoking brunette in line betting. This never happens. On a normal day the OTB is home to exactly the same number of attractive females as Augusta National: zero.
Speaking of said female, I think she thinks I’m staring at her. That’s probably because I am. Amidst my staring I’m also experiencing a sensation of bewilderment. It’s like the feeling I had the first time I saw Craig “Ironhead” Heyward get zestfully clean, a commercial which left me baffled and immobile for a solid five minutes.
2:04 PM: Still perspiring after the run-in with the brunette, but I’m regaining feeling in my toes. Granted, if I encounter another OTB vixen I’ll probably be in a coma tomorrow. If that happens, tell my doctors to replay Sunday Silence’s BC Classic over and over near my bedside. If that won’t wake me up, nothing will.
2:28 PM: I had seven different horses to beat Excellent Art (who ran second as I expected) in the Mile Turf, but Kip Deville (who won) wasn’t one of my seven. The Gods are obviously angry with me today. I'd best pound another cold one and ponder my next move.
2:55 PM: Starting to get stoked for the Classic even though we’re still 100 minutes from post. Five excellent horses have a legitimate shot at the winner’s share of $5M bones. The only bummer is that last year’s champion, Invasor, had to be retired earlier this year and won’t be racing. This is doubly unfortunate because Kenny Mayne would unleash a killer Cheech Marin “Eeeeen-vaaa-Sooore” every time the horse took to the track. If Invasor had stayed healthy, this would have been a Classic for the ages.
3:11 PM: Still raining at Monmouth, but it’s getting a little sunnier at the OTB. Had the exacta in the Distaff with Ginger Punch over Hystericalady (who ran a hell of a race from the twelve hole). Can’t mess with my formula for success: I had a beer before the last race, better grab another one before this one.
3:31 PM: I just saw a guy in line betting that looked exactly like Officer Vince Romano from T.J. Hooker. Potentially famous people + hotties at the OTB…this day officially = bizarro world. I’d best call Frodo and make sure the one true ring is in safe keeping.
3:55 PM: English Channel romped the field in the $3M Turf. My horse, Grand Couturier, was so far behind the leaders going into the far turn I had to call OnStar and check on his whereabouts. The colt somehow made up enough ground to finish 5th, but I’m still pissed at the jockey (unlike in the movie SeaBiscuit, if your horse isn’t within 100 yards of the pack, he’s not hitting the board).
3:56 PM: I’m on hold with the Better Business Bureau. I didn’t know who else to call. I figure they can log a “my jockey was an imbecile and owes me money” complaint.
4:11 PM: My boy Jim just made the switch from vodka lemonades to beer; the day is officially approaching Ludicrous Speed.
4:27 PM: The horses are on the track for the Classic, and the smell of excitement is palpable. And I mean that in literal terms: the OTB stinks more than usual.
4:33 PM: Two minutes to post and the sun is shining at Monmouth for the first time in a fortnight; this is the sport of kings.
4:43 PM: Curlin won the Classic in awesome fashion. He also ran an otherworldly time over a very sloppy track (just over two minutes for 1 ¼ miles). What a performance! All the more enjoyable because Jim and I had a $4 exacta with Curlin over Hard Spun (payout $141). Finished the day close to even, minus the cost of six brews.
4:44 PM: Already bummed out. The Classic may have been Curlin’s last race. Decent chance he’ll retire to stud immediately (paid to nail fillies all day). The owners for Street Sense and Hard Spun already announced their colts are headed to the barn. Not great for the sport. In my opinion, not fair to these unbelievable colts/athletes either.
Staying with this point, if you were Curlin would you want to sit in a barn and lay pipe from here to eternity? Don’t you think he deserves more than a never-ending line of sexed up fillies waiting to ante $75K (or more) for a ride in his hay? Plus, in all likelihood Curlin's best days on the track are still ahead of him.
I'd better call PETA and see if they’ll help me organize a protest, with the animal’s best interests in mind.
4:58 PM: Another Breeder’s Cup has come and gone. Thankfully, next year the festivities are at Santa Anita: a welcome SoCal alternative to the Noah’s Ark that was New Jersey. I’ll meet any takers in the infield twelve months from now in Arcadia.
4:59 PM: In the interim, it’s only six months until the first Saturday in May: talk Derby to me!
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Weekly Podcast
The Weekly Podcast is a regular entry in which the Deporters principal authors ask four questions to each other on anything (even remotely) sports related. Admittedly, our "podcast" lacks certain characteristics normally associated with podcasts. For a detailed explanation, see #5 in "The Rules of Engagement."
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Will Tom Brady break Peyton Manning's record for TDs in a season? Follow on question. Who's Brady most likely to impregnate next: Giselle, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, or Erin Andrews?
Tom Brady will absolutely break Peyton Manning's record. The guy already has 27 touchdowns after 7 games. Through 7 games he has thrown more touchdowns than John Elway ever threw in one season, 4 less than Joe Montana's highest total, and 5 less than Johnny Unitas' highest season total. He is currently averaging 3.857 TD's per game, His high is 6 this year, and he hasn't thrown less than 3 in a game. If he averages 2 per game the rest of the season, he'll finish with 45 (4 short). If his average "falls" to 3 for the rest of the season, he'll finish with 54 TDs (plus 5). It's a veritable Oaf guarantee that he'll break it, and I'll put his final tally at 56.
Tom Brady should impregnate the ladies in this order Giselle, Jessica Alba, Erin Andrews, and Jessica Biel.
2) Joe Torre: will or won't coach again in the major leagues?
If I were Joe Torre, I'd pack it up and go to SoCal so that I could play golf all year long. He has enough money, rings, and playoff appearances, plus he's old. Relax, drink cocktails, and ride out the rest of your time on the links......or hanging out with the family.....yeah, the links.
3) Were you or were you not recently on the back stretch at Churchill Downs visiting the stalls of D. Wayne Lukas? If so, how do you explain your tardiness in reporting on this marquee event (you toothless salt cricket)?
This is a fact. I was holding out for a one on one interview with Oprah. Unfortunately the queen of self promotion never called.
A guy that works for my company owns a 15k dollar claimer and has it in one of the barns behind the track at Churchill. When I was in the Lou', doing some training, he took me and another co-worker out to visit his horse and see the backside. It was pretty spectacular. I never realized this, but there's a community of people who live and work in the stables on the backside. There are a few small apartment complexes, some apartments above the stables themselves, and a handful of community bathrooms and showers. In the busy season, that are nearly 1500 people who live and work back there. That's almost more than the population of Georgetown, IN (the suburb of the Knobs where I grew up).
We cruised by D. Wayne Lucas' stall, which was easily the nicest and most decorated.
The only downside was that I wasn't able to go see the Derby stall. This is where any horse that races in the Derby can hang out for the year. The have the entire year to use the stall, and from what I heard, they are very nice.
Most importantly, in seeing this 15K claimer and asking some investigative (monetary) questions along the way, it has become very clear that the pipe dream of Hainted Farms.......is no pipe dream at all. It is very doable, and more than likely will happen at some point. I urge everyone to keep their eye out for a 25-1 Derby darkhorse named Irma's Haint in the future.
4) Josh Beckett, kin to Superman or Optimus Prime?
This is all hearsay, but rumor has it that Josh Beckett's mom is She-Ra and his father is Optimus Prime. Now, I'm not quite sure how sexual intercourse works between machines and humans, but regardless, that is a potent combination. It's no wonder he throws 98 mph heat that no one can hit. It's also no coincidence that She-Ra's brother is Rick Vaughn.
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) Who would you rather have sex with: Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, or Suzy Kolber? Why?
Nice going partner. One question in and I can tell the weekly podcast is gonna house more than a few gutter balls. Somebody cancel my membership to Toastmasters.
Having said as much, I'll play along.
Since I’m not a foot-tapping Senator who moonlights in airport stalls, I’m opting for Suzy K. Besides, Suzy always seems so....pleasant. Plus, I can apply the Jekyll/Hyde bedroom coefficient which universally recognizes that nice girls = naughty in the sack. In summation, Suzy not only deserves a X-mas card from the Deporters; she's also a virtual lock to be a card carrying member in the category: "unlikely owners of bedroom whips and chains."
2) Who are the top 5 hottest sideline reporters of all time? Who would win in a naked mud wrestling cage match with the other 4?
Even better. We went from throwing gutter balls to swimming in pond scum with Dante in just two questions. I hope my mom isn’t reading this (might replace “mom” with “everyone” by week's end).
Three of my five will be familiar: Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, and Lisa Guerrero. My fourth entrant is from ESPN Deportes (for all the right reasons): Adriana Monslave. And my final "sideline" hottie is Knobber Kristy Pierce who admittedly isn’t a sideline reporter. BUT she once adorned the Floyd Central sidelines as a dazzler and has since become a mega-babe. In other words, this categorical manipulation is 100% acceptable (see #4 in "The Rules of Engagement").
As for who'd win in the naked, mud cage, I’m going with Arrington who once said of Melissa Stark, “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” That comment has to make her the morning line favorite.
Anecdotally, if we could somehow (!?!) get these five to wrestle naked, I'd set the over/under for the number of tickets we could sell at 200 million: every straight American male plus a solid 40 – 50 million internationals and illegals.
Call Don King; see what us three "promoters" can do about this one.
3) Coming from a guy who says that he won't buy cigarette stocks, how can you support Kelvin Sampson and his low moral fiber? Huh, dude?
Only a greaseball codger like yourself could produce a question like this. I'll expect more of these in the future.
On my morality meter, minor recruiting infractions (a few extra texts to a bff) are about a gazillion notches more acceptable than reaping profits from the slaughter of mankind. Maybe you should throw on some Wranglers and a wife beater (better make it an XXL) and light up a Marlboro for our readers; I'll come snap a pic and we can post it next week.
4) IU, UL, UK hoops, who makes a run of it this year? When are we going to introduce these people to the Mark Cuban movement?
Got to respect Pitino's job with a young Cards team last year. They are deservedly ranked the highest (at #6) amongst this trio preseason. But I’m still not convinced the Cards have enough ammo for a run in '08. My gut says they’ll be too inconsistent on offense.
I looked at Kentucky’s roster and recognized three names. That ain’t good. Accordingly, I can only muster one definitive positive about the Wildcats' hardcourt season: we're guaranteed to see Ashley Judd. Granted, that beats the positives for 2/3 of the Big Ten, but it still doesn't make for much dancing in March.
That leaves the Hoosiers. Normally I’m hesitant to put much stock in a team that is going to ride a freshman, but I’m going against the grain because of Eric Gordon’s skill set (extends the floor, natural shooter/scorer).
To go with Gordon, the Hoosiers have a dependable, albeit slightly overrated, occupier of front court space in D.J. White. Their backcourt is experienced and can defend. So....if A.J. Ratliff can pass a few classes (he’s academically ineligible this fall) and the team can come to grips with a freshman being the main scoring option (Gordon will account for 16 or more pts a game), I think IU is capable of wreaking a little havoc amidst the Madness. Don't get me wrong: the start of the season will be bumpy, but I think "my boy" Sampson will have them ready come March.
Pencil the Hoosiers in for the Elite 8.
Cuban = manana.
Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:
1) Will Tom Brady break Peyton Manning's record for TDs in a season? Follow on question. Who's Brady most likely to impregnate next: Giselle, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, or Erin Andrews?
Tom Brady will absolutely break Peyton Manning's record. The guy already has 27 touchdowns after 7 games. Through 7 games he has thrown more touchdowns than John Elway ever threw in one season, 4 less than Joe Montana's highest total, and 5 less than Johnny Unitas' highest season total. He is currently averaging 3.857 TD's per game, His high is 6 this year, and he hasn't thrown less than 3 in a game. If he averages 2 per game the rest of the season, he'll finish with 45 (4 short). If his average "falls" to 3 for the rest of the season, he'll finish with 54 TDs (plus 5). It's a veritable Oaf guarantee that he'll break it, and I'll put his final tally at 56.
Tom Brady should impregnate the ladies in this order Giselle, Jessica Alba, Erin Andrews, and Jessica Biel.
2) Joe Torre: will or won't coach again in the major leagues?
If I were Joe Torre, I'd pack it up and go to SoCal so that I could play golf all year long. He has enough money, rings, and playoff appearances, plus he's old. Relax, drink cocktails, and ride out the rest of your time on the links......or hanging out with the family.....yeah, the links.
3) Were you or were you not recently on the back stretch at Churchill Downs visiting the stalls of D. Wayne Lukas? If so, how do you explain your tardiness in reporting on this marquee event (you toothless salt cricket)?
This is a fact. I was holding out for a one on one interview with Oprah. Unfortunately the queen of self promotion never called.
A guy that works for my company owns a 15k dollar claimer and has it in one of the barns behind the track at Churchill. When I was in the Lou', doing some training, he took me and another co-worker out to visit his horse and see the backside. It was pretty spectacular. I never realized this, but there's a community of people who live and work in the stables on the backside. There are a few small apartment complexes, some apartments above the stables themselves, and a handful of community bathrooms and showers. In the busy season, that are nearly 1500 people who live and work back there. That's almost more than the population of Georgetown, IN (the suburb of the Knobs where I grew up).
We cruised by D. Wayne Lucas' stall, which was easily the nicest and most decorated.
The only downside was that I wasn't able to go see the Derby stall. This is where any horse that races in the Derby can hang out for the year. The have the entire year to use the stall, and from what I heard, they are very nice.
Most importantly, in seeing this 15K claimer and asking some investigative (monetary) questions along the way, it has become very clear that the pipe dream of Hainted Farms.......is no pipe dream at all. It is very doable, and more than likely will happen at some point. I urge everyone to keep their eye out for a 25-1 Derby darkhorse named Irma's Haint in the future.
4) Josh Beckett, kin to Superman or Optimus Prime?
This is all hearsay, but rumor has it that Josh Beckett's mom is She-Ra and his father is Optimus Prime. Now, I'm not quite sure how sexual intercourse works between machines and humans, but regardless, that is a potent combination. It's no wonder he throws 98 mph heat that no one can hit. It's also no coincidence that She-Ra's brother is Rick Vaughn.
Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:
1) Who would you rather have sex with: Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, or Suzy Kolber? Why?
Nice going partner. One question in and I can tell the weekly podcast is gonna house more than a few gutter balls. Somebody cancel my membership to Toastmasters.
Having said as much, I'll play along.
Since I’m not a foot-tapping Senator who moonlights in airport stalls, I’m opting for Suzy K. Besides, Suzy always seems so....pleasant. Plus, I can apply the Jekyll/Hyde bedroom coefficient which universally recognizes that nice girls = naughty in the sack. In summation, Suzy not only deserves a X-mas card from the Deporters; she's also a virtual lock to be a card carrying member in the category: "unlikely owners of bedroom whips and chains."
2) Who are the top 5 hottest sideline reporters of all time? Who would win in a naked mud wrestling cage match with the other 4?
Even better. We went from throwing gutter balls to swimming in pond scum with Dante in just two questions. I hope my mom isn’t reading this (might replace “mom” with “everyone” by week's end).
Three of my five will be familiar: Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, and Lisa Guerrero. My fourth entrant is from ESPN Deportes (for all the right reasons): Adriana Monslave. And my final "sideline" hottie is Knobber Kristy Pierce who admittedly isn’t a sideline reporter. BUT she once adorned the Floyd Central sidelines as a dazzler and has since become a mega-babe. In other words, this categorical manipulation is 100% acceptable (see #4 in "The Rules of Engagement").
As for who'd win in the naked, mud cage, I’m going with Arrington who once said of Melissa Stark, “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” That comment has to make her the morning line favorite.
Anecdotally, if we could somehow (!?!) get these five to wrestle naked, I'd set the over/under for the number of tickets we could sell at 200 million: every straight American male plus a solid 40 – 50 million internationals and illegals.
Call Don King; see what us three "promoters" can do about this one.
3) Coming from a guy who says that he won't buy cigarette stocks, how can you support Kelvin Sampson and his low moral fiber? Huh, dude?
Only a greaseball codger like yourself could produce a question like this. I'll expect more of these in the future.
On my morality meter, minor recruiting infractions (a few extra texts to a bff) are about a gazillion notches more acceptable than reaping profits from the slaughter of mankind. Maybe you should throw on some Wranglers and a wife beater (better make it an XXL) and light up a Marlboro for our readers; I'll come snap a pic and we can post it next week.
4) IU, UL, UK hoops, who makes a run of it this year? When are we going to introduce these people to the Mark Cuban movement?
Got to respect Pitino's job with a young Cards team last year. They are deservedly ranked the highest (at #6) amongst this trio preseason. But I’m still not convinced the Cards have enough ammo for a run in '08. My gut says they’ll be too inconsistent on offense.
I looked at Kentucky’s roster and recognized three names. That ain’t good. Accordingly, I can only muster one definitive positive about the Wildcats' hardcourt season: we're guaranteed to see Ashley Judd. Granted, that beats the positives for 2/3 of the Big Ten, but it still doesn't make for much dancing in March.
That leaves the Hoosiers. Normally I’m hesitant to put much stock in a team that is going to ride a freshman, but I’m going against the grain because of Eric Gordon’s skill set (extends the floor, natural shooter/scorer).
To go with Gordon, the Hoosiers have a dependable, albeit slightly overrated, occupier of front court space in D.J. White. Their backcourt is experienced and can defend. So....if A.J. Ratliff can pass a few classes (he’s academically ineligible this fall) and the team can come to grips with a freshman being the main scoring option (Gordon will account for 16 or more pts a game), I think IU is capable of wreaking a little havoc amidst the Madness. Don't get me wrong: the start of the season will be bumpy, but I think "my boy" Sampson will have them ready come March.
Pencil the Hoosiers in for the Elite 8.
Cuban = manana.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Lake Tittikaka....
This blog entry is dedicated to the old codger who feeds the some 1000 pigeons (flying rats) each morning smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk on Monroe St. Dude, it's not that cool.
I. The Interview
When the allegations surfaced late last week, in regards to the apparent breast enlargement of Erin Andrews, the Senior Editor of The Sports Deporters (Chest Rockwell) sent Oil Can Boyd out to investigate the matter. The following is an excerpt of his afterhours conversation with Miss Andrews at Club Seven in Las Vegas.......all post a full day of Mojitos in Havana, Cuba.
Oil Can Boyd: I'm lovin' how you look in my eyes, swangin' them hips when you pass. I'm visualizin' my name tattooed on that ass.....baby.
E. Andrews: Excuse me?
O. Can Boyd: If you read between the lines you can see that I want you, I betcha I'll have you doin' what you said that you won't do. Make a decision shorty, good thangs don't last long.....you're girlfriend keeps showing me that thong.
E. Andrews: It's all because of you. I'm feelin' sad and blue, 'cause you went away and now my life is filled with rainy days.
O. Can Boyd: Cheer Up! [I gave her a hit.] You can't have me I'm too young for you CENSOR.
E. Andrews: No your not! [She starts cryin'.]
O. Can Boyd: I'm nineteen.
E Andrews: Stop lyin'.
O. Can Boyd: I am. Go ask my mother, and with your wrinkled CENSOR....CENSOR..CENSOR.
The details beyond this point are hazy to all conspirators, but rumor has it that Oil Can Boyd was found later that night at The Hard Rock Casino in a crowded hot tub with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. See US Weekly for further details.
II. The Call
I am not one to toot my own horn, but......well, yes I am. I am still waiting on the good, hard-earned cash payoff from Ivan Drago. How 'bout them SOOOOX. I really wasn't even scared at 1-3. Why? See all of the reasons I listed previously.....and that's why Boston won. Beckett was absolutely reDonkulous, Schilling was pretty damn good in Game 6, and Dice K was above average in Game 7. And oh yeah, those Boston hitters I was stroking last week? They outscored the Indians 30-5 over the last 3 games. That's titties.
Oil Can says, Boston again, this time in 5 games.
Ivan, make your check payable to Mr. and Mrs. Erin Andrews.
III. Stuff
When did Pedro Gomez start to look like Herman Munster? He looks downright terrible. Is it because it's his busy season? He just called Aaron Cook, Dennis Cook. Dude, get some sleep. Maybe I'm the only one that saw him on TV the other night.....but I felt bad for the guy.
Kelvin Sampson still works for Indiana University. I'm still bummed out.
IV. The Idea
Here's my addition to the world of reality TV. I want to start a reality show.....and maybe this has happened, but if it has, the show wasn't good enough. Anywho, I want to start a show where they take your average, everyday people and put them together with some of the best sports trainers in the world. The selected people, who would have to try out and fall under some maximum standards for selection, would be able to select a sport in which they would spend the next 6 months to a year doing nothing but training for that sport in which they would try to go pro......What a great idea you say? That's what I thought too.
If anybody is reading this who can make it happen, the only stipulation is that I get an automatic bid.
I came up with this idea because I think I could go pro if I just had enough time to work on my game. What is my game you ask. Well, when I was in the sixth grade I was an undefeated pitcher in Little League. I'm ambidextrous, but mostly left handed and I hit for average. I'm pretty sure my average the last year before I retired was .444. I threw a cut fastball, a good two seamer, and right before I retired I discovered a solid off-speed pitch. In fact, I struck out Chris Wells twice in one game and threw him 6 palm balls. We won the league and won the playoffs that year, but unfortunately my mom scheduled our family vacation for the playoffs and I wasn't able to expose the Josh Beckett in me. It is my belief that I could be a pretty good relief pitcher for, at least, the next 15 years.
I also think that I have a better jumper than JJ Redick and that I would be a more effective pro player than he will be. So really, I would have a difficult decision on my hands deciding between those two.
In other news, stay tuned for The Sports Deporters Podcast. It will be coming to an iTunes near you, soon.
I. The Interview
When the allegations surfaced late last week, in regards to the apparent breast enlargement of Erin Andrews, the Senior Editor of The Sports Deporters (Chest Rockwell) sent Oil Can Boyd out to investigate the matter. The following is an excerpt of his afterhours conversation with Miss Andrews at Club Seven in Las Vegas.......all post a full day of Mojitos in Havana, Cuba.
Oil Can Boyd: I'm lovin' how you look in my eyes, swangin' them hips when you pass. I'm visualizin' my name tattooed on that ass.....baby.
E. Andrews: Excuse me?
O. Can Boyd: If you read between the lines you can see that I want you, I betcha I'll have you doin' what you said that you won't do. Make a decision shorty, good thangs don't last long.....you're girlfriend keeps showing me that thong.
E. Andrews: It's all because of you. I'm feelin' sad and blue, 'cause you went away and now my life is filled with rainy days.
O. Can Boyd: Cheer Up! [I gave her a hit.] You can't have me I'm too young for you CENSOR.
E. Andrews: No your not! [She starts cryin'.]
O. Can Boyd: I'm nineteen.
E Andrews: Stop lyin'.
O. Can Boyd: I am. Go ask my mother, and with your wrinkled CENSOR....CENSOR..CENSOR.
The details beyond this point are hazy to all conspirators, but rumor has it that Oil Can Boyd was found later that night at The Hard Rock Casino in a crowded hot tub with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. See US Weekly for further details.
II. The Call
I am not one to toot my own horn, but......well, yes I am. I am still waiting on the good, hard-earned cash payoff from Ivan Drago. How 'bout them SOOOOX. I really wasn't even scared at 1-3. Why? See all of the reasons I listed previously.....and that's why Boston won. Beckett was absolutely reDonkulous, Schilling was pretty damn good in Game 6, and Dice K was above average in Game 7. And oh yeah, those Boston hitters I was stroking last week? They outscored the Indians 30-5 over the last 3 games. That's titties.
Oil Can says, Boston again, this time in 5 games.
Ivan, make your check payable to Mr. and Mrs. Erin Andrews.
III. Stuff
When did Pedro Gomez start to look like Herman Munster? He looks downright terrible. Is it because it's his busy season? He just called Aaron Cook, Dennis Cook. Dude, get some sleep. Maybe I'm the only one that saw him on TV the other night.....but I felt bad for the guy.
Kelvin Sampson still works for Indiana University. I'm still bummed out.
IV. The Idea
Here's my addition to the world of reality TV. I want to start a reality show.....and maybe this has happened, but if it has, the show wasn't good enough. Anywho, I want to start a show where they take your average, everyday people and put them together with some of the best sports trainers in the world. The selected people, who would have to try out and fall under some maximum standards for selection, would be able to select a sport in which they would spend the next 6 months to a year doing nothing but training for that sport in which they would try to go pro......What a great idea you say? That's what I thought too.
If anybody is reading this who can make it happen, the only stipulation is that I get an automatic bid.
I came up with this idea because I think I could go pro if I just had enough time to work on my game. What is my game you ask. Well, when I was in the sixth grade I was an undefeated pitcher in Little League. I'm ambidextrous, but mostly left handed and I hit for average. I'm pretty sure my average the last year before I retired was .444. I threw a cut fastball, a good two seamer, and right before I retired I discovered a solid off-speed pitch. In fact, I struck out Chris Wells twice in one game and threw him 6 palm balls. We won the league and won the playoffs that year, but unfortunately my mom scheduled our family vacation for the playoffs and I wasn't able to expose the Josh Beckett in me. It is my belief that I could be a pretty good relief pitcher for, at least, the next 15 years.
I also think that I have a better jumper than JJ Redick and that I would be a more effective pro player than he will be. So really, I would have a difficult decision on my hands deciding between those two.
In other news, stay tuned for The Sports Deporters Podcast. It will be coming to an iTunes near you, soon.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Josh Beckett, Jesus Christ, and Erin Andrews: Trip Aces
1) Credit where credit is due. Josh Beckett was spectacular tonight. A classic October performance from a man who was ultra-determined. In truth, I wouldn’t be surprised if Beckett wrote the following note to his BoSox teammates before the game:
“Listen up you worthless cart donkeys. I’m going to single-handedly make sure we win this game. I’ll be throwing 98 mph fastballs, change ups in the dirt, and curve balls that would make K-Rod blush. If you score any runs for us, we win. Make it so. Yours, JB.”
Thanks to Beckett's brilliance, the series now heads back to Boston. Fox has to be uber relieved. Broncos/Browns...I mean Rockies/Indians...doesn’t exactly sizzle the Nielsen bacon.
2) Was anyone else caught off guard by the 6th gear prayer session at this year’s final table of the World Series of Poker (WSOP)? In particular Jerry Yang, the eventual champion, was getting his Jesus on. Whenever a big hand came up, Yang would kiss his family picture and then crank out some heartfelt praises in a northerly direction.
First things first, if JC is gonna make a cameo, do you really think it’s gonna be in Vegas?!?! Isn’t there an addendum to the Ten Commandments which guarantees that requests of the Lord will be denied in Nevada? Besides, if the Almighty was inside Vegas' city limits, it would obviously be for the seafood buffet at the Rio.
But if by some ungodly chance (perhaps a poor choice of words) he/she/it does come tableside at the WSOP, I'm guessing it won't be to make a lousy pair of pocket 8s stand up. Personally, I've got the Big Man pegged as the type of guy who delivers runner-runner (K clubs, A clubs) to fill up a royal flush -- with a little thunder cracking in the background for good measure as Mike Matusow reaches for the defibrillator.
Anything less has gotta be a poor utilization of his time.
3) Last but not least (!): is it me or is Erin Andrews’ rack getting bigger?
Questions like this beg for due diligence (remind me to send YouTube a cookie). And after an afternoon spent “researching the issue," I’m pleased to announce that Andrews’ earnings will beat the street’s expectations: net assets, in the form of cup size, are increasing.
Also, the Deporters’ chief economist and principal equity analyst, Silk Nightie, has issued a “strong buy” for Andrews with a correlated “outperform” in relation to her sector competitors. Rumors are also afloat, speculating that Andrews could be an acquisition target in the coming months – more ammo for bullish investors. The Deporters’ parent company is currently crunching the numbers, actively pursuing the deal.
In short, put this bellwether in your portfolio and don't sell her until the Cubs win a World Series. At that point the world will be inverted, and rash actions may be warranted.
“Listen up you worthless cart donkeys. I’m going to single-handedly make sure we win this game. I’ll be throwing 98 mph fastballs, change ups in the dirt, and curve balls that would make K-Rod blush. If you score any runs for us, we win. Make it so. Yours, JB.”
Thanks to Beckett's brilliance, the series now heads back to Boston. Fox has to be uber relieved. Broncos/Browns...I mean Rockies/Indians...doesn’t exactly sizzle the Nielsen bacon.
2) Was anyone else caught off guard by the 6th gear prayer session at this year’s final table of the World Series of Poker (WSOP)? In particular Jerry Yang, the eventual champion, was getting his Jesus on. Whenever a big hand came up, Yang would kiss his family picture and then crank out some heartfelt praises in a northerly direction.
First things first, if JC is gonna make a cameo, do you really think it’s gonna be in Vegas?!?! Isn’t there an addendum to the Ten Commandments which guarantees that requests of the Lord will be denied in Nevada? Besides, if the Almighty was inside Vegas' city limits, it would obviously be for the seafood buffet at the Rio.
But if by some ungodly chance (perhaps a poor choice of words) he/she/it does come tableside at the WSOP, I'm guessing it won't be to make a lousy pair of pocket 8s stand up. Personally, I've got the Big Man pegged as the type of guy who delivers runner-runner (K clubs, A clubs) to fill up a royal flush -- with a little thunder cracking in the background for good measure as Mike Matusow reaches for the defibrillator.
Anything less has gotta be a poor utilization of his time.
3) Last but not least (!): is it me or is Erin Andrews’ rack getting bigger?
Questions like this beg for due diligence (remind me to send YouTube a cookie). And after an afternoon spent “researching the issue," I’m pleased to announce that Andrews’ earnings will beat the street’s expectations: net assets, in the form of cup size, are increasing.
Also, the Deporters’ chief economist and principal equity analyst, Silk Nightie, has issued a “strong buy” for Andrews with a correlated “outperform” in relation to her sector competitors. Rumors are also afloat, speculating that Andrews could be an acquisition target in the coming months – more ammo for bullish investors. The Deporters’ parent company is currently crunching the numbers, actively pursuing the deal.
In short, put this bellwether in your portfolio and don't sell her until the Cubs win a World Series. At that point the world will be inverted, and rash actions may be warranted.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
"Surely, You Can't Be Serious......"
“I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.”
Recent happenings in the sports world have me seriously scratching my head. In times like this I normally take cues from my mentors: Striker, Oveur, Murdoch, and Rumack. Unfortunately, it looks like they are equally perplexed:
Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on?
Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.
Maybe you can make better sense of the baffling circumstances below. In the interim, I’m off to find a translator who speaks jive.
1) The Kentucky Wildcats beat top-ranked LSU Tigers last Saturday, and it wasn’t in basketball. The Cats' gridiron wasn't a fluke either; they held their own in every quarter. If you didn’t know better, you might have thought Kentucky was ranked #1.
Kentucky has now knocked off three higher ranked teams in ’07. If the Cats can somehow beat the Gators this week, Kentucky should rename Commonwealth Stadium after Coach Rich Brooks.
And the rest of us should prepare for the Armageddon.
2) Staying with college football, the #1 USC Trojans lost to the Stanford Cardinals (1 - 4) eleven days ago in the Coliseum. This past weekend Oregon State (3 -3) beat #2 Cal. As tough as those games are to figure -- when combined with LSU’s loss -- it means that the Univ. of South Florida Bulls (bulls being known for grazing the great plains of Tampa) are now ranked #2 in the country.
Why is this the most intriguing byline of the year? Because South Florida has quietly become the 9th largest university in the country, and the most improbable fiesta in collegiate sports history awaits if the Bulls can somehow win the BCS (“Toga! Toga! Toga!”).
I’d best reserve a flight on ExpediaDOTCOM just in case.
3) The Colorado Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 games and seven straight in the playoffs. A World Series crown is all that remains for the mile-high demolition crew.
Admittedly, it’s tough to get acquainted with a team and simultaneously honor their brilliance. But that is exactly what’s required of us.
The Rockies near perfect run through September and October is one of the most impressive baseball feats in history. If they win the Fall Classic, this team will deservedly be talked up for a century to come. Unfortunately, most of us will have only seen a handful of their games.
A cryin' shame from my vantage point. A cryin' shame.
4) 43 year-old Vinny Testaverde signed with the Carolina Panthers last week; five days later he led the Panthers to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Makes you wonder about those complex NFL offensive schemes we’re always hearing about:
“Listen up: this time we’re throwing it deep to Steve Smith. Everybody block. Panthers on three (clap).”
With Sunday’s win Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in the NFL. It also makes 21 consecutive seasons in which Testaverde has thrown at least one TD pass, extending his own record.
A correlated note to anyone who has recently celebrated their 21st birthday: Vinny Testaverde was throwing TDs in the NFL when you were a zygote (and please, add that to your life’s chronology as a gift from me at no extra charge).
Somebody buy Testaverde a case of Bud Heavies. He is ultra deserving.
5) Adrian Peterson put on a superhuman performance on Sunday, despite the Vikings’ coaching.
With 2:33 left in the second quarter of the Bears game, Peterson scored on a dynamic, 67-yard TD run. Inexplicably, over the next eleven offensive plays from scrimmage, Peterson only touched the ball twice (meanwhile, they called four passes and five Chester Taylor runs). On the twelfth play, Peterson scampered for another TD run, this one for 73 yards.
It gets better. The Vikings next six offensive plays, following Peterson’s second TD scamper, were four throws and two Chester Taylor runs. No to be dissuaded by the coaches’ ineptitude, 10 plays later, Peterson hit pay dirt again (from 35 yards out).
Sunday’s play-calling is disturbing by itself, but it’s mind-boggling when coupled with three weeks ago. Against the Packers Peterson had 106 rushing yards at half-time, but only got two carries after the intermission (the Vikings lost by a TD).
I get it. The Vikings are trying to be careful with an injury-prone superstar in the making. But at what price? Losing close games?!?!
If I’m Brad Childress I believe in the Power of Now, and I'm penning a note to Bevell with several exclamation points: give the ball to #28!!!
6) Finally, offering a glimmer of hope for sanity in the universe, the Cleveland Indians are still rolling (Oil Can be damned). The Indians showed themselves to be a championship team in Game 2: rallying from behind (twice). You could feel the series momentum shifting that night; it hasn’t shifted back since.
Reviewing the series’ bullet points: the Indians’ starting pitching is better and deeper than the Red Sox; their whole lineup is contributing offensively; they don’t have to deal with Senor Cooties (Eric Gagne); they have an antidote for the midges in their “secret place” if the entomology convention returns; and finally, the Indians have Kenny Lofton.
The Indians will win this series.
Oil Can: when they do, I’ll expect prompt payment -- proving yet again, that they still make free money like they used to.
Recent happenings in the sports world have me seriously scratching my head. In times like this I normally take cues from my mentors: Striker, Oveur, Murdoch, and Rumack. Unfortunately, it looks like they are equally perplexed:
Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on?
Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.
Maybe you can make better sense of the baffling circumstances below. In the interim, I’m off to find a translator who speaks jive.
1) The Kentucky Wildcats beat top-ranked LSU Tigers last Saturday, and it wasn’t in basketball. The Cats' gridiron wasn't a fluke either; they held their own in every quarter. If you didn’t know better, you might have thought Kentucky was ranked #1.
Kentucky has now knocked off three higher ranked teams in ’07. If the Cats can somehow beat the Gators this week, Kentucky should rename Commonwealth Stadium after Coach Rich Brooks.
And the rest of us should prepare for the Armageddon.
2) Staying with college football, the #1 USC Trojans lost to the Stanford Cardinals (1 - 4) eleven days ago in the Coliseum. This past weekend Oregon State (3 -3) beat #2 Cal. As tough as those games are to figure -- when combined with LSU’s loss -- it means that the Univ. of South Florida Bulls (bulls being known for grazing the great plains of Tampa) are now ranked #2 in the country.
Why is this the most intriguing byline of the year? Because South Florida has quietly become the 9th largest university in the country, and the most improbable fiesta in collegiate sports history awaits if the Bulls can somehow win the BCS (“Toga! Toga! Toga!”).
I’d best reserve a flight on ExpediaDOTCOM just in case.
3) The Colorado Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 games and seven straight in the playoffs. A World Series crown is all that remains for the mile-high demolition crew.
Admittedly, it’s tough to get acquainted with a team and simultaneously honor their brilliance. But that is exactly what’s required of us.
The Rockies near perfect run through September and October is one of the most impressive baseball feats in history. If they win the Fall Classic, this team will deservedly be talked up for a century to come. Unfortunately, most of us will have only seen a handful of their games.
A cryin' shame from my vantage point. A cryin' shame.
4) 43 year-old Vinny Testaverde signed with the Carolina Panthers last week; five days later he led the Panthers to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Makes you wonder about those complex NFL offensive schemes we’re always hearing about:
“Listen up: this time we’re throwing it deep to Steve Smith. Everybody block. Panthers on three (clap).”
With Sunday’s win Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in the NFL. It also makes 21 consecutive seasons in which Testaverde has thrown at least one TD pass, extending his own record.
A correlated note to anyone who has recently celebrated their 21st birthday: Vinny Testaverde was throwing TDs in the NFL when you were a zygote (and please, add that to your life’s chronology as a gift from me at no extra charge).
Somebody buy Testaverde a case of Bud Heavies. He is ultra deserving.
5) Adrian Peterson put on a superhuman performance on Sunday, despite the Vikings’ coaching.
With 2:33 left in the second quarter of the Bears game, Peterson scored on a dynamic, 67-yard TD run. Inexplicably, over the next eleven offensive plays from scrimmage, Peterson only touched the ball twice (meanwhile, they called four passes and five Chester Taylor runs). On the twelfth play, Peterson scampered for another TD run, this one for 73 yards.
It gets better. The Vikings next six offensive plays, following Peterson’s second TD scamper, were four throws and two Chester Taylor runs. No to be dissuaded by the coaches’ ineptitude, 10 plays later, Peterson hit pay dirt again (from 35 yards out).
Sunday’s play-calling is disturbing by itself, but it’s mind-boggling when coupled with three weeks ago. Against the Packers Peterson had 106 rushing yards at half-time, but only got two carries after the intermission (the Vikings lost by a TD).
I get it. The Vikings are trying to be careful with an injury-prone superstar in the making. But at what price? Losing close games?!?!
If I’m Brad Childress I believe in the Power of Now, and I'm penning a note to Bevell with several exclamation points: give the ball to #28!!!
6) Finally, offering a glimmer of hope for sanity in the universe, the Cleveland Indians are still rolling (Oil Can be damned). The Indians showed themselves to be a championship team in Game 2: rallying from behind (twice). You could feel the series momentum shifting that night; it hasn’t shifted back since.
Reviewing the series’ bullet points: the Indians’ starting pitching is better and deeper than the Red Sox; their whole lineup is contributing offensively; they don’t have to deal with Senor Cooties (Eric Gagne); they have an antidote for the midges in their “secret place” if the entomology convention returns; and finally, the Indians have Kenny Lofton.
The Indians will win this series.
Oil Can: when they do, I’ll expect prompt payment -- proving yet again, that they still make free money like they used to.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Hoosier Hysteria? Try Stupidity.
So let's say, one day you come into work and HR calls you into their office to give you a warning on surfing the Internet in your cube. You've been surfing the Internet for hours at a time, sometimes half your day. They give you a strict warning, ban you from any non-work related Internet browsing , and tell you it better not happen again.
The next day you come into work and proceed to continue your daily attempt to find out exactly where the Internet comes to an end. Well, that would be just stupid, right?
That is exactly the position in which Indiana University has found it's head basketball coach. Coach Kelvin Sampson was first fingered by the NCAA rules committee for recruiting violations (improper recruiting phone calls) that he and his staff at Oklahoma made from 2000 to 2004. Part of the NCAA's decision on the matter was that Sampson was not allowed to initiate phone calls with recruits for one year and was not to be a part of phone calls initiated by any of his staff. In the NCAA's decision, part of their reason for further punishment (beyond what Oklahoma and Indiana had self-imposed) was that Sampson had "fostered an environment of deliberate non-compliance." Pretty impressive.
This past weekend, Indiana University announced that a "routine" investigation had uncovered 35 improper phone calls placed by the men's basketball coaching staff between May 2006 and May 2007. Of those calls, Kelvin Sampson was apart of at least 10 of them in a 3-way call fashion. Yes, this is the same Kelvin Sampson that was awaiting the NCAA's decision in March of 2006 as he was being hired by Indiana University, and gave a strong promise that it would never happen in Bloomington. Wrong. And don't give me the 'these are tick tack violations'. Recruiting is the biggest game in college basketball and trying to sidestep those rules IS a big deal.
Additionally, this is the same Kelvin Sampson who had questionable graduation rates at Oklahoma.......and oh, by the way, on Sampson's watch this Spring/Summer, AJ Ratliff found himself ineligible for the 1st semester of his senior year due to grades. Now that isn't all Kelvin Sampson's fault, but it does show that it was nowhere on his radar, inconsequential.
Indiana University is known for many things, but none of them involve NCAA violations or poor graduation rates. In fact, the university hasn't seen a major rules violation in any of its sports since 1960 and boasts pretty outstanding graduation rates.
So here they are at a crossroads. Do you continue sacrificing the goodwill built over several decades and stick with your coach for the sake of winning games? A coach who obviously has "deliberate non-compliance" for the values that your sports programs and overall university have built their strong foundation on? Or do you realize that when you hire trouble, you get trouble? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Mr. Greenspan (the AD) made an exception to the values in the hiring of Coach Sampson and now it has blown up in everyone's face. It is time for the university to see Kelvin Sampson on his way and for the program to move forward in a direction more in the tradition laid down by Mr. Robert Montgomery Knight. A tradition where you follow the rules, graduate your players, and still go on to win multiple national championships. This isn't an Ode to Bob Knight. He had is issues, but he played by the rules.
It's like my favorite rap song says:
They see me rollin',
They hatin',
Patrolin' and tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Sampson is ridin' dirty.
Coach Sampson runs a sloppy, unorganized ship that is sailing in the wrong direction. The university and its mighty contingent would be better served to see this one year marriage over and done with.
The next day you come into work and proceed to continue your daily attempt to find out exactly where the Internet comes to an end. Well, that would be just stupid, right?
That is exactly the position in which Indiana University has found it's head basketball coach. Coach Kelvin Sampson was first fingered by the NCAA rules committee for recruiting violations (improper recruiting phone calls) that he and his staff at Oklahoma made from 2000 to 2004. Part of the NCAA's decision on the matter was that Sampson was not allowed to initiate phone calls with recruits for one year and was not to be a part of phone calls initiated by any of his staff. In the NCAA's decision, part of their reason for further punishment (beyond what Oklahoma and Indiana had self-imposed) was that Sampson had "fostered an environment of deliberate non-compliance." Pretty impressive.
This past weekend, Indiana University announced that a "routine" investigation had uncovered 35 improper phone calls placed by the men's basketball coaching staff between May 2006 and May 2007. Of those calls, Kelvin Sampson was apart of at least 10 of them in a 3-way call fashion. Yes, this is the same Kelvin Sampson that was awaiting the NCAA's decision in March of 2006 as he was being hired by Indiana University, and gave a strong promise that it would never happen in Bloomington. Wrong. And don't give me the 'these are tick tack violations'. Recruiting is the biggest game in college basketball and trying to sidestep those rules IS a big deal.
Additionally, this is the same Kelvin Sampson who had questionable graduation rates at Oklahoma.......and oh, by the way, on Sampson's watch this Spring/Summer, AJ Ratliff found himself ineligible for the 1st semester of his senior year due to grades. Now that isn't all Kelvin Sampson's fault, but it does show that it was nowhere on his radar, inconsequential.
Indiana University is known for many things, but none of them involve NCAA violations or poor graduation rates. In fact, the university hasn't seen a major rules violation in any of its sports since 1960 and boasts pretty outstanding graduation rates.
So here they are at a crossroads. Do you continue sacrificing the goodwill built over several decades and stick with your coach for the sake of winning games? A coach who obviously has "deliberate non-compliance" for the values that your sports programs and overall university have built their strong foundation on? Or do you realize that when you hire trouble, you get trouble? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Mr. Greenspan (the AD) made an exception to the values in the hiring of Coach Sampson and now it has blown up in everyone's face. It is time for the university to see Kelvin Sampson on his way and for the program to move forward in a direction more in the tradition laid down by Mr. Robert Montgomery Knight. A tradition where you follow the rules, graduate your players, and still go on to win multiple national championships. This isn't an Ode to Bob Knight. He had is issues, but he played by the rules.
It's like my favorite rap song says:
They see me rollin',
They hatin',
Patrolin' and tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Sampson is ridin' dirty.
Coach Sampson runs a sloppy, unorganized ship that is sailing in the wrong direction. The university and its mighty contingent would be better served to see this one year marriage over and done with.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
100 Reasons the Indians won't win the World Series, and other Tidbits
100 Reasons the Indians won't win the World Series:
1-100) The Boston Red Sox
Somewhere in the middle you can scatter around:
Manny Ramirez - He's gone from 4th to 6th gear in the playoffs and I believe that his walk-off from the other night is still flying. I've had a man crush on Manny for several years and it looks like it won't end for awhile.
Josh Beckett - 3 shutouts in 6 career postseason starts. Now that is titties.
Papelbon - An animal. Lights out.
Big Papi - Clutch, and got better as the year progressed. Ortiz/Ramirez possibly the best 3/4 combo in the history of baseball.
Curt Schilling - Curt Schilling....and 9-2 in the postseason.
Dice-K - Gyro ball
The Indians have a great 1, 2 in CC and Carmona but I'll put my money on the Red Sox hitters over Cleveland's hitters. While I'm at it, I'll take Boston's pitchers over Cleveland's pitchers and I'll give Borowski at 7.00 ERA for the Series.
Ivan, I got five on it.
In other news, I watched Rocky Balboa a few nights ago. I really had my doubts about the movie in the beginning. But as the movie progressed, I got into it. In fact, in my opinion, Rocky Balboa holds its own with the classic Rocky movies. I think Sly Stallone tied the whole story together very well and it was a great movie to end the series on. The fight scenes (however few there are) are pretty impressive and look much different than the Rockies of old. Antonio Tarver certainly didn't look like he was in fight shape, and could use some work on those acting skills, but I think he helped in making the fight scenes look a little more believable.....even though Sly is some 60 years old. The movie critic in me says it's a good watch. Netflix it.
The NBA season is almost upon us. I will have my Fantasy Hoops (the only game I'm consistently good at) sleeper picks later and I don't have much to say about the season yet. But I will say that I greased up the ball-bearings and filled the tank with premium unleaded on the Phoenix Suns bandwagon-0-rama. Another year of me expressing my love for the Suns, Steve Nash, and Shawn Marion (yes, my love doesn't falter even when the Matrix acts like a little baby). If you love good basketball, it is your responsibility to watch as many Suns games as possible. It is fun basketball at its pinnacle. As long as there are no shenanigans like last year, this should be Phoenix's year to win the Finals. Throw in a little down-to-earth Grant Hill, and I say it's a must.
Finally, my fantasy football squad is 4-1 this year. It's just another sign that the stars are again aligned as they should be.
1-100) The Boston Red Sox
Somewhere in the middle you can scatter around:
Manny Ramirez - He's gone from 4th to 6th gear in the playoffs and I believe that his walk-off from the other night is still flying. I've had a man crush on Manny for several years and it looks like it won't end for awhile.
Josh Beckett - 3 shutouts in 6 career postseason starts. Now that is titties.
Papelbon - An animal. Lights out.
Big Papi - Clutch, and got better as the year progressed. Ortiz/Ramirez possibly the best 3/4 combo in the history of baseball.
Curt Schilling - Curt Schilling....and 9-2 in the postseason.
Dice-K - Gyro ball
The Indians have a great 1, 2 in CC and Carmona but I'll put my money on the Red Sox hitters over Cleveland's hitters. While I'm at it, I'll take Boston's pitchers over Cleveland's pitchers and I'll give Borowski at 7.00 ERA for the Series.
Ivan, I got five on it.
In other news, I watched Rocky Balboa a few nights ago. I really had my doubts about the movie in the beginning. But as the movie progressed, I got into it. In fact, in my opinion, Rocky Balboa holds its own with the classic Rocky movies. I think Sly Stallone tied the whole story together very well and it was a great movie to end the series on. The fight scenes (however few there are) are pretty impressive and look much different than the Rockies of old. Antonio Tarver certainly didn't look like he was in fight shape, and could use some work on those acting skills, but I think he helped in making the fight scenes look a little more believable.....even though Sly is some 60 years old. The movie critic in me says it's a good watch. Netflix it.
The NBA season is almost upon us. I will have my Fantasy Hoops (the only game I'm consistently good at) sleeper picks later and I don't have much to say about the season yet. But I will say that I greased up the ball-bearings and filled the tank with premium unleaded on the Phoenix Suns bandwagon-0-rama. Another year of me expressing my love for the Suns, Steve Nash, and Shawn Marion (yes, my love doesn't falter even when the Matrix acts like a little baby). If you love good basketball, it is your responsibility to watch as many Suns games as possible. It is fun basketball at its pinnacle. As long as there are no shenanigans like last year, this should be Phoenix's year to win the Finals. Throw in a little down-to-earth Grant Hill, and I say it's a must.
Finally, my fantasy football squad is 4-1 this year. It's just another sign that the stars are again aligned as they should be.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Horse Collars, Dick Jauron, DNA Sequencing, Vertigo, The Tribe, & “Titties Bro.”
1) The horse collar is still an allowable tackle in college football?!?!?! A correlated question for the NCAA: hear that snare drum in the distance? That would be a massive lawsuit marching towards your door.
The NFL found that the horse collar led to “several lower extremity injuries” in 2004. Thanks to safety Roy Williams, this tackle even has a namesake and a known perpetrator. I'm currently envisioning the day when a collegiate wide receiver gets paralyzed from a horse collar and then hires Billy Dee Williams as his spokesman:
I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the word “courage,” 24 hours a day. I luv Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones, & I’d like for you to luv him too.
And yes, those are eight-digit $$$ spinning on BPHCJ's arbitration settlement slot machine (big bucks, no whammies, stop!).
For bringing this blatant bit of negligence to light, I think I deserve two 50-yard line tix to the Florida – Georgia game next year (compliments of the NCAA). The world’s largest college party needs me, and I need a reason to resurrect my “More Cowbell” T-shirt.
Myles Brand: I’ll tell my secretary (roommate) to be expecting your call.
2) I’ve always liked the Bills. Great fans, through decades of heartbreak. And let’s be honest, the city of Buffalo is low on marketable assets.
Brutal loss to the Cowboys on Monday, but really, were you surprised? Let’s face it, the Bills "do" losing (thanks in part to their Erie coast offense). Moreover, if you didn’t know and had to guess which NFL team Dick Jauron coached, wouldn’t you start with the Bills? As Jauron walks up & down the sideline with that misty-eyed stare that makes you wonder if he drinks alone at night, aren’t you thinking: “the Bills are gonna find a way to lose this game.” This observation doesn't thrill me; Jauron seems like a genuinely nice guy. But you know where nice guys always finish.
3) I just called the DNA bank at Northwestern to do some ancestry research for NFL players. I randomly decided to give Javon Walker’s name a shot. In truth, I was expecting dozens of DNA matches – people from all over Africa. To my surprise, Northwestern could only find one match with the same DNA sequence. It was Donald Driver.
4) In a sure sign that I’m suffering from vertigo: Boston College, South Florida, Missouri, South Carolina, Hawaii, Kentucky, Illinois, and Kansas are now in College Football’s Top 20.
If my alma mater, Indiana, makes the Top 20, I’m moving to Area 51.
5) The Cleveland Indians are still rolling, despite the fact that every American not living in Ohio can name more Indians from Major League (Vaughn, Sorrano, Hayes, Doran, Jake, the smokin’ librarian who totally counts). Speaking of the movie, how great was Bob Uecker: “We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.”
Your mission for the day should you choose to accept it: learn six players from the 2007 Indians before the World Series so that you’re not 100% bandwagon when they win it all (and they will).
Your reward: the world’s largest mosquito net for the ticker tape parade.
6) Finally, we the people need to revive the phrase “titties bro” in conversational usage. If you missed its hey day the first time around, consider this a mulligan.
Oil Can: you’ve been bottom feeding in our FF League for five straight years. Nonetheless, you always send me your dues on time (unbeknownst to you, I’d keep your money regardless of your finish). That’s solid work on your part: titties bro!
The NFL found that the horse collar led to “several lower extremity injuries” in 2004. Thanks to safety Roy Williams, this tackle even has a namesake and a known perpetrator. I'm currently envisioning the day when a collegiate wide receiver gets paralyzed from a horse collar and then hires Billy Dee Williams as his spokesman:
I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the word “courage,” 24 hours a day. I luv Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones, & I’d like for you to luv him too.
And yes, those are eight-digit $$$ spinning on BPHCJ's arbitration settlement slot machine (big bucks, no whammies, stop!).
For bringing this blatant bit of negligence to light, I think I deserve two 50-yard line tix to the Florida – Georgia game next year (compliments of the NCAA). The world’s largest college party needs me, and I need a reason to resurrect my “More Cowbell” T-shirt.
Myles Brand: I’ll tell my secretary (roommate) to be expecting your call.
2) I’ve always liked the Bills. Great fans, through decades of heartbreak. And let’s be honest, the city of Buffalo is low on marketable assets.
Brutal loss to the Cowboys on Monday, but really, were you surprised? Let’s face it, the Bills "do" losing (thanks in part to their Erie coast offense). Moreover, if you didn’t know and had to guess which NFL team Dick Jauron coached, wouldn’t you start with the Bills? As Jauron walks up & down the sideline with that misty-eyed stare that makes you wonder if he drinks alone at night, aren’t you thinking: “the Bills are gonna find a way to lose this game.” This observation doesn't thrill me; Jauron seems like a genuinely nice guy. But you know where nice guys always finish.
3) I just called the DNA bank at Northwestern to do some ancestry research for NFL players. I randomly decided to give Javon Walker’s name a shot. In truth, I was expecting dozens of DNA matches – people from all over Africa. To my surprise, Northwestern could only find one match with the same DNA sequence. It was Donald Driver.
4) In a sure sign that I’m suffering from vertigo: Boston College, South Florida, Missouri, South Carolina, Hawaii, Kentucky, Illinois, and Kansas are now in College Football’s Top 20.
If my alma mater, Indiana, makes the Top 20, I’m moving to Area 51.
5) The Cleveland Indians are still rolling, despite the fact that every American not living in Ohio can name more Indians from Major League (Vaughn, Sorrano, Hayes, Doran, Jake, the smokin’ librarian who totally counts). Speaking of the movie, how great was Bob Uecker: “We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.”
Your mission for the day should you choose to accept it: learn six players from the 2007 Indians before the World Series so that you’re not 100% bandwagon when they win it all (and they will).
Your reward: the world’s largest mosquito net for the ticker tape parade.
6) Finally, we the people need to revive the phrase “titties bro” in conversational usage. If you missed its hey day the first time around, consider this a mulligan.
Oil Can: you’ve been bottom feeding in our FF League for five straight years. Nonetheless, you always send me your dues on time (unbeknownst to you, I’d keep your money regardless of your finish). That’s solid work on your part: titties bro!
Monday, October 8, 2007
Signs Your FF Team Blows Chunks.....
I was talking with Oil Can the other day about the forthcoming demise of his fantasy football team. He pleaded ignorance, citing the dependability of his three good players. First of all, if you only have three good players (in a 10-team league) the sky can’t be too rosy. Then, after reexamining his squad, I chuckled some more and created the list below.
You know your FF team blows chunks if:
1) One of your three good players is a TE.
2) You’re counting on Cedric Benson, Maurice Jones-Drew, or Thomas Jones in any capacity.
3) You’re still eating Michael Vick’s Alpo.
4) You drafted Reggie Brown, Darrel Jackson, and/or Lee Evans under the impression that they were wide receivers, not types of ectoplasm.
5) You have a double-digit lead in waiver wire transactions.
6) The QB you drafted has a first name which ends in “ex.”
7) You’re on the verge of deporting your 3rd, 4th, 6th, and 7th round draft picks because (a la Scarface) their wombs are so damn polluted.
8) You have four decent wide receivers, but at least one of them (whomever you start), puts up a goose egg every week.
9) Your girlfriend called to tell you she’s pregnant, and Travis Henry is the baby’s daddy (which also explains her killer stash of chronic). Despite this reality, you’re hoping Henry doesn’t get suspended for violating the league’s drug policy because your FF season would be over.
10) If you’re reading this unsure as to whether your team blows chunks, take it to the bank, it does.
You know your FF team blows chunks if:
1) One of your three good players is a TE.
2) You’re counting on Cedric Benson, Maurice Jones-Drew, or Thomas Jones in any capacity.
3) You’re still eating Michael Vick’s Alpo.
4) You drafted Reggie Brown, Darrel Jackson, and/or Lee Evans under the impression that they were wide receivers, not types of ectoplasm.
5) You have a double-digit lead in waiver wire transactions.
6) The QB you drafted has a first name which ends in “ex.”
7) You’re on the verge of deporting your 3rd, 4th, 6th, and 7th round draft picks because (a la Scarface) their wombs are so damn polluted.
8) You have four decent wide receivers, but at least one of them (whomever you start), puts up a goose egg every week.
9) Your girlfriend called to tell you she’s pregnant, and Travis Henry is the baby’s daddy (which also explains her killer stash of chronic). Despite this reality, you’re hoping Henry doesn’t get suspended for violating the league’s drug policy because your FF season would be over.
10) If you’re reading this unsure as to whether your team blows chunks, take it to the bank, it does.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Did the Cubs make the playoffs?
It is my belief that I wasted nearly 10 hours of my life this week watching, what may have been, the least inspiring sports performance that I have ever witnessed. The Chicago Cubs got swept 3-0 by the Arizona Diamondbacks, and honestly, it feels like they lost 10 games instead of 3.
The whole lore of being a Chicago Cub fan is that you are always looking forward to next year. The Lovable Losers. Well let me tell you something, unless there are major changes, next year won't be for many more years to come. I mean, it's already going to be over 100 years since their last World Series victory. Do some trend analysis on that one.
So what in the hell do we have to look forward to?
Arizona was playing a LOT of young guys in this series. As I said previously, the energy level of the Dbacks made the Cubs look old and in the way. Here is the kicker: Mark Reynolds - .279BA/129 SO's/.349 OBP/37 BB, Stephen Drew - .238 BA/100 SO's/.313 OBP, Augie Ojeda - .274 BA/1 HR/.354 OBP, Chris Young - .237 BA/.295 OBP/141 SO's...32 HR's/27 SB's. These are all young guys who had very mediocre seasons (with the exception of Young) for the Dbacks. However, 3 out of 4 of these guys could have easily been the MVP of the NLCS. They played HUGE.
You can't tell me that the Cubs couldn't have used some more youth and energy in this lethargic and uninspiring series. Felix Pie brings that to the table and so does Geovany Soto. This team needs an infusion of youth. That was evident in this series. Some people may not agree because of the lack of offensive output of say, a Felix Pie. I don't care if Pie bats .001 for the season. The guy plays with passion and that is exactly what most of these veteran Cubs were lacking.
With that being said, those youngs guys can't pull through without a guy like Eric Byrnes. I would have given my right arm to have Byrnes instead of Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez this series. That guy played with some f'in heart and provided a great example for the Dback youth, while the 3 big boys for Chicago played like old fogies. So how in the hell do you correct that? Your 3 best players playing without guts and producing at a non-existent level.
What is even more disconcerting than this poor performance, is that every legitimate owner is disgusted with the way the Cubs blew their wad this past summer, i.e. Jason Marquis $5MM per year. So what is the new owner going to do? Not spend a dime since the payroll is already at top 5 level and Wrigley Field is a huge expense waiting to happen? Sign anyone in sight.....A-Rod. I would put my money on option 1.
And with that, this same team will not win the NL Central next year. They will start the season off better, but to expect more than 90 wins is absurd. Not with only 2 legitimate starting pitchers, a catcher who throws out 2 of 52, and a lead-off batter who strikes out 130 times, has 30 BB, and has an OBP of .330. The Brewers will be better, the Cardinals will revamp and already have Pujols, and Houston and Cincinnati are 1 or 2 players away from contending. The competition isn't going away.
I, however, will hope to be looking forward to seeing Ryan Theriot in his second full year, Felix Pie in his first full year, Geovany Soto in his first full year, Mark DeRosa at second base for a full year, Kevin Hart in his first full year as a MLB starter, Carlos Marmol in his first full year as a closer, and a team that knows what to expect on Day One from Sweet Lou.
Major things will be changing soon in Cubdom, let's just hope some of it comes from the heart.
The whole lore of being a Chicago Cub fan is that you are always looking forward to next year. The Lovable Losers. Well let me tell you something, unless there are major changes, next year won't be for many more years to come. I mean, it's already going to be over 100 years since their last World Series victory. Do some trend analysis on that one.
So what in the hell do we have to look forward to?
Arizona was playing a LOT of young guys in this series. As I said previously, the energy level of the Dbacks made the Cubs look old and in the way. Here is the kicker: Mark Reynolds - .279BA/129 SO's/.349 OBP/37 BB, Stephen Drew - .238 BA/100 SO's/.313 OBP, Augie Ojeda - .274 BA/1 HR/.354 OBP, Chris Young - .237 BA/.295 OBP/141 SO's...32 HR's/27 SB's. These are all young guys who had very mediocre seasons (with the exception of Young) for the Dbacks. However, 3 out of 4 of these guys could have easily been the MVP of the NLCS. They played HUGE.
You can't tell me that the Cubs couldn't have used some more youth and energy in this lethargic and uninspiring series. Felix Pie brings that to the table and so does Geovany Soto. This team needs an infusion of youth. That was evident in this series. Some people may not agree because of the lack of offensive output of say, a Felix Pie. I don't care if Pie bats .001 for the season. The guy plays with passion and that is exactly what most of these veteran Cubs were lacking.
With that being said, those youngs guys can't pull through without a guy like Eric Byrnes. I would have given my right arm to have Byrnes instead of Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez this series. That guy played with some f'in heart and provided a great example for the Dback youth, while the 3 big boys for Chicago played like old fogies. So how in the hell do you correct that? Your 3 best players playing without guts and producing at a non-existent level.
What is even more disconcerting than this poor performance, is that every legitimate owner is disgusted with the way the Cubs blew their wad this past summer, i.e. Jason Marquis $5MM per year. So what is the new owner going to do? Not spend a dime since the payroll is already at top 5 level and Wrigley Field is a huge expense waiting to happen? Sign anyone in sight.....A-Rod. I would put my money on option 1.
And with that, this same team will not win the NL Central next year. They will start the season off better, but to expect more than 90 wins is absurd. Not with only 2 legitimate starting pitchers, a catcher who throws out 2 of 52, and a lead-off batter who strikes out 130 times, has 30 BB, and has an OBP of .330. The Brewers will be better, the Cardinals will revamp and already have Pujols, and Houston and Cincinnati are 1 or 2 players away from contending. The competition isn't going away.
I, however, will hope to be looking forward to seeing Ryan Theriot in his second full year, Felix Pie in his first full year, Geovany Soto in his first full year, Mark DeRosa at second base for a full year, Kevin Hart in his first full year as a MLB starter, Carlos Marmol in his first full year as a closer, and a team that knows what to expect on Day One from Sweet Lou.
Major things will be changing soon in Cubdom, let's just hope some of it comes from the heart.
Friday, October 5, 2007
The Psychosis that is Curses: by Oil Can Boyd
"It's going to be very exciting ,we're in a very good position. This isn't something to look at negatively. I know that sounds strange.''
-Poet Laureate Rich Hill on being down 0-2
The only thing left to say about the Cubs is this, if they do come back and win this series, it'll be a hell of a way to start a World Series run. OK, that's not all that is left to say.
-Poet Laureate Rich Hill on being down 0-2
The only thing left to say about the Cubs is this, if they do come back and win this series, it'll be a hell of a way to start a World Series run. OK, that's not all that is left to say.
- The Arizona Diamondbacks' top 3 hitters have series batting averages of: .333/.286/.250 Those aren't great numbers, but they have young guys who are playing clutch baseball and the team energy level makes the Cubs look like geriatrics.
- The Chicago Cubs' top 3 hitters have series Strikeout averages of: .500/.400/.444
- Aramis Ramirez, the Cubs' most clutch hitter this year, is 0 for 9 with 4 strikeouts. Now that is inspiring baseball. It's really not that bad, I guess, since we all know Doug Davis is a first ballot Hall of Famer....
- When Joba Chamberlain entered tonight's game in the 7th inning he looked like he knew that: 1) He could win a fistfight between him and the batter, 2) He was going to make this batter look REAL bad, and 3) He was a clutch pitcher on the most storied franchise in baseball's long history.
- Thursday night Ted Lilly looked......scared, meek, afraid, gutless, nervous, timid, in the wrong level of baseball......and everything that Joba Chamberlain didn't look like. That look has been a common theme among the Cubbies in this series, and that is why they will lose.
- Canadian Soldiers? Since when did Cleveland get moved to Sub-Saharan Africa? Did everyone in attendance tonight have their Malaria shots? Rumor has it, for the next playoff game in Cleveland (and there will be another this year) players will receive those masks/suits that honey farmers wear around the bees.
- For anyone who missed it, the Canadian Soldiers (midges) were so thick in Cleveland on Friday, it was like pea soup. Like one of those summer nights, driving down the highway in humid weather, when you have to use you windshield wipers not for rain, but for the dead bugs.
- Note to self, congratulations on never visiting Cleveland in your lifetime. Dare I say.....GROSS.
- By the way Ivan Reitman Drago, the Dbacks/bags and Rockies are for real........in the NL. You forgot to add that qualifier.
- Why is the dude who does the US Tennis Open for USA doing baseball for TBS? TBS is way out of their element. Myself and Ricky (and I guarantee Steve Stone), think that Ricky Henderson could do a way better job than Ted Whoeverthatis.
More MLB Playoffs with a tangent on licking balls and Cedric Benson (amazingly, two separate topics)
For the record, this is one of those trendy blogs that can’t allow itself to get bogged down in traditional, paragraph form (i.e. the authors listened to Dark Side of the Moon in the DQ parking lot during high school English). In short, you’d do well to familiarize yourself with the innovative “numbered list" format that we’re currently showcasing.
And now, back to the (innovatively organized) MLB ramblings:
1) Did anyone else jettison the Yankees from the “contenders” column upon realizing that Chien-Ming Wang was starting Game 1? Admittedly, if General Tso starts Game 2, I might jump back on the bandwagon.
2) I HEART Kenny Lofton.
3) I’m staring at The Big Hurt on TBS and, unlike Steve Stone, he looks like he might have worn a suit before: impressive.
4) It’s not a good sign when one of your best hitters, Aramis Ramirez, is flinching at the opposing pitcher’s fastball (even if it is Valverde).
5) While Cubs fans are licking Jim Hendry’s balls this winter (annual occurrence), maybe someone will suggest that he sign a few players whose walk/strikeout ratio is a positive number.
6) Am I allowed to say “licking balls” in the public domain?
7) If the answer to #6 is “no” and you’re contemplating a lawsuit, know that a) I’m a penniless fool and b) I was actually quoting Stand By Me (“Chopper, sick balls”).
8) The Dbacks and Rockies are for real.
9) Following up on #8, playing in the best division in baseball and collecting 90 wins should make you a prohibitive favorite over a Cubs team that got swept by the Marlins last week. A prohibitive favorite.
10) The Bears should call C.C. Sabathia and ask him if he wants Cedric Benson's job as soon as the Tribe’s season is over. I wouldn’t even worry about whether a) Sabathia has ever played football or b) if he can pass a physical. Trust me Jerry Angelo, this move would improve your team.
11) Speaking of Benson, I'm setting the over/under for his career fantasy total at the square root of -1 (and yes, that is an imaginary number).
12) This penniless fool’s money is on the Indians.
And now, back to the (innovatively organized) MLB ramblings:
1) Did anyone else jettison the Yankees from the “contenders” column upon realizing that Chien-Ming Wang was starting Game 1? Admittedly, if General Tso starts Game 2, I might jump back on the bandwagon.
2) I HEART Kenny Lofton.
3) I’m staring at The Big Hurt on TBS and, unlike Steve Stone, he looks like he might have worn a suit before: impressive.
4) It’s not a good sign when one of your best hitters, Aramis Ramirez, is flinching at the opposing pitcher’s fastball (even if it is Valverde).
5) While Cubs fans are licking Jim Hendry’s balls this winter (annual occurrence), maybe someone will suggest that he sign a few players whose walk/strikeout ratio is a positive number.
6) Am I allowed to say “licking balls” in the public domain?
7) If the answer to #6 is “no” and you’re contemplating a lawsuit, know that a) I’m a penniless fool and b) I was actually quoting Stand By Me (“Chopper, sick balls”).
8) The Dbacks and Rockies are for real.
9) Following up on #8, playing in the best division in baseball and collecting 90 wins should make you a prohibitive favorite over a Cubs team that got swept by the Marlins last week. A prohibitive favorite.
10) The Bears should call C.C. Sabathia and ask him if he wants Cedric Benson's job as soon as the Tribe’s season is over. I wouldn’t even worry about whether a) Sabathia has ever played football or b) if he can pass a physical. Trust me Jerry Angelo, this move would improve your team.
11) Speaking of Benson, I'm setting the over/under for his career fantasy total at the square root of -1 (and yes, that is an imaginary number).
12) This penniless fool’s money is on the Indians.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
The Oil Can ponders.....
- Just got home to see Geovany Soto hit a two run shot. Please God, don't let the Cubs pay 10 million for Jason Kendall next year. We have our future catcher and his low salary, ahora.
- With the Phillies down 2-0 to the Rockies, who are white hot right now, how do you think those Mets feel now? Ricky thinks that Ricky and the Mets just pulled off the biggest choke job of all time.
- Ted Lilly just gave up a monster 3-run home run. Cubdom teeters on the brink of destruction.
- Back in '86, Dick Stockton must have had his body embalmed. Guy looks exactly the same, but the brain isn't functioning as quickly as it was when he tag teamed with Tommy Heinson for those great Celtic-Laker battles. See what I mean, he just called Ryan Theriot, Danny Ainge.
- Ted Lilly looks downright awful. This couldn't be worser for the Cubs.
- Sweet Lou didn't make a mistake in game one by yanking Zambrano. Marmol's stuff has been naRsty all year (see ERA and K's/9), and you don't win playoff games by scoring one run.
- Having playoff baseball on TBS is like putting Monday Night Football on ESPN.....oh wait. With that being said, TBS does get mad props for posting an HD channel the day before the playoffs started. Now that is taking care of your audience.
- I rank TBS's HD quality as such: 1) ESPN/ABC 2) FOX t-2) TBS/TNT 4) CBS
- I just saw Ron Darling feed Dick Stockton through a tube.
- That's it, I gotta go put an APB out on Alfonso Soriano, he's gone missing.
- PS. Put those rally caps on.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Nuggets from Day 1 of the MLB Playoffs....
1) What the **** are the playoffs doing on TBS?
2) Steve Stone’s voice coming at me from Fenway is wrong on so many levels. Plus, it was visually evident that Stone had never worn a suit before (a pinched nerve is probable by Game 3). Give the man a Cubs shirt and let him do play-by-play for the Cubs/Dbacks series from Cheers. Guaranteed to bump ratings.
3) Speaking of the Cubs game, Dick Stockton and Ron Darling? Who’s doing Game 2, Marv Albert and Frank Viola?
4) Every time Dick Stockton starts talking I have a Kurt Rambis flashback.
5) If we’re going to put up with TBS, I find it inexcusable that Barkley isn’t involved. Here’s a potential CB quote: “I’ve been watching baseball for all of ten minutes now, and I can tell you one thing: Bob Howry is no Jeff Hornacek."
6) Did Chone Figgins moonlight as a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz?
7) I'm waiting on DNA evidence to prove that Alfonso Soriano is a full-brother to Pedro Sorrano from Major League ("Bats, they are sick. Cannot hit curveball. Straightball, hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.")
8) If Jacque Jones has ten at bats this series against Brandon Webb, he will strike out at least seven times.
9) Note to self: the Rockies are in the National League.
10) Fans are gonna start swinging from the Red Sox cajones (Beckett shutout + Ortiz homer). I'm not sold. It’s a long month.
11) I thought scientists had only cloned sheep. Somebody notify the world they’ve also cloned Matsuis.
12) Regarding Dbacks closer Jose Valverde I have two words: tengo miedo.
2) Steve Stone’s voice coming at me from Fenway is wrong on so many levels. Plus, it was visually evident that Stone had never worn a suit before (a pinched nerve is probable by Game 3). Give the man a Cubs shirt and let him do play-by-play for the Cubs/Dbacks series from Cheers. Guaranteed to bump ratings.
3) Speaking of the Cubs game, Dick Stockton and Ron Darling? Who’s doing Game 2, Marv Albert and Frank Viola?
4) Every time Dick Stockton starts talking I have a Kurt Rambis flashback.
5) If we’re going to put up with TBS, I find it inexcusable that Barkley isn’t involved. Here’s a potential CB quote: “I’ve been watching baseball for all of ten minutes now, and I can tell you one thing: Bob Howry is no Jeff Hornacek."
6) Did Chone Figgins moonlight as a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz?
7) I'm waiting on DNA evidence to prove that Alfonso Soriano is a full-brother to Pedro Sorrano from Major League ("Bats, they are sick. Cannot hit curveball. Straightball, hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.")
8) If Jacque Jones has ten at bats this series against Brandon Webb, he will strike out at least seven times.
9) Note to self: the Rockies are in the National League.
10) Fans are gonna start swinging from the Red Sox cajones (Beckett shutout + Ortiz homer). I'm not sold. It’s a long month.
11) I thought scientists had only cloned sheep. Somebody notify the world they’ve also cloned Matsuis.
12) Regarding Dbacks closer Jose Valverde I have two words: tengo miedo.
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