"Surely, You Can't Be Serious......"

“I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.”

Recent happenings in the sports world have me seriously scratching my head. In times like this I normally take cues from my mentors: Striker, Oveur, Murdoch, and Rumack. Unfortunately, it looks like they are equally perplexed:

Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on?
Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.

Maybe you can make better sense of the baffling circumstances below. In the interim, I’m off to find a translator who speaks jive.

1) The Kentucky Wildcats beat top-ranked LSU Tigers last Saturday, and it wasn’t in basketball. The Cats' gridiron wasn't a fluke either; they held their own in every quarter. If you didn’t know better, you might have thought Kentucky was ranked #1.

Kentucky has now knocked off three higher ranked teams in ’07. If the Cats can somehow beat the Gators this week, Kentucky should rename Commonwealth Stadium after Coach Rich Brooks.

And the rest of us should prepare for the Armageddon.

2) Staying with college football, the #1 USC Trojans lost to the Stanford Cardinals (1 - 4) eleven days ago in the Coliseum. This past weekend Oregon State (3 -3) beat #2 Cal. As tough as those games are to figure -- when combined with LSU’s loss -- it means that the Univ. of South Florida Bulls (bulls being known for grazing the great plains of Tampa) are now ranked #2 in the country.

Why is this the most intriguing byline of the year? Because South Florida has quietly become the 9th largest university in the country, and the most improbable fiesta in collegiate sports history awaits if the Bulls can somehow win the BCS (“Toga! Toga! Toga!”).

I’d best reserve a flight on ExpediaDOTCOM just in case.

3) The Colorado Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 games and seven straight in the playoffs. A World Series crown is all that remains for the mile-high demolition crew.

Admittedly, it’s tough to get acquainted with a team and simultaneously honor their brilliance. But that is exactly what’s required of us.

The Rockies near perfect run through September and October is one of the most impressive baseball feats in history. If they win the Fall Classic, this team will deservedly be talked up for a century to come. Unfortunately, most of us will have only seen a handful of their games.

A cryin' shame from my vantage point. A cryin' shame.

4) 43 year-old Vinny Testaverde signed with the Carolina Panthers last week; five days later he led the Panthers to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Makes you wonder about those complex NFL offensive schemes we’re always hearing about:

“Listen up: this time we’re throwing it deep to Steve Smith. Everybody block. Panthers on three (clap).”

With Sunday’s win Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in the NFL. It also makes 21 consecutive seasons in which Testaverde has thrown at least one TD pass, extending his own record.

A correlated note to anyone who has recently celebrated their 21st birthday: Vinny Testaverde was throwing TDs in the NFL when you were a zygote (and please, add that to your life’s chronology as a gift from me at no extra charge).

Somebody buy Testaverde a case of Bud Heavies. He is ultra deserving.

5) Adrian Peterson put on a superhuman performance on Sunday, despite the Vikings’ coaching.

With 2:33 left in the second quarter of the Bears game, Peterson scored on a dynamic, 67-yard TD run. Inexplicably, over the next eleven offensive plays from scrimmage, Peterson only touched the ball twice (meanwhile, they called four passes and five Chester Taylor runs). On the twelfth play, Peterson scampered for another TD run, this one for 73 yards.

It gets better. The Vikings next six offensive plays, following Peterson’s second TD scamper, were four throws and two Chester Taylor runs. No to be dissuaded by the coaches’ ineptitude, 10 plays later, Peterson hit pay dirt again (from 35 yards out).

Sunday’s play-calling is disturbing by itself, but it’s mind-boggling when coupled with three weeks ago. Against the Packers Peterson had 106 rushing yards at half-time, but only got two carries after the intermission (the Vikings lost by a TD).

I get it. The Vikings are trying to be careful with an injury-prone superstar in the making. But at what price? Losing close games?!?!

If I’m Brad Childress I believe in the Power of Now, and I'm penning a note to Bevell with several exclamation points: give the ball to #28!!!

6) Finally, offering a glimmer of hope for sanity in the universe, the Cleveland Indians are still rolling (Oil Can be damned). The Indians showed themselves to be a championship team in Game 2: rallying from behind (twice). You could feel the series momentum shifting that night; it hasn’t shifted back since.

Reviewing the series’ bullet points: the Indians’ starting pitching is better and deeper than the Red Sox; their whole lineup is contributing offensively; they don’t have to deal with Senor Cooties (Eric Gagne); they have an antidote for the midges in their “secret place” if the entomology convention returns; and finally, the Indians have Kenny Lofton.

The Indians will win this series.

Oil Can: when they do, I’ll expect prompt payment -- proving yet again, that they still make free money like they used to.