Dear Santa,
You're dead to me. Going on twenty-four years now. In the literal sense anyway.
I remember the day the North Pole imploded. The day I learned you were a fraud. In that one moment, my sense of wonder gone forever. A nuclear winter at age six.
But now, a quarter century later, I'm prepared to give you a chance to make amends. We'll call it reparations for your fraudulent days.
I will candidly admit that your non-existence may hurt my chances, in this, my Christmas request. But I've decided to give you a shot anyway, even if the odds are a billion to one ("so you're telling me there's a chance"). Besides I've been nice this year, and at my age, naughty deserves recognition as well.
So without further adieu, here's my Christmas request.
Someday, I'd like a press pass to The Masters and The Kentucky Derby, so that I can write about the two sporting events which I love more than all the others combined. I want access to the Augusta greens, faster than bikini-wax. And I went to be on the backside when dawn breaks at the Downs. I want to be there, and I want to write about all the factoids which never get mentioned.
What time you need to be at 16th for a green-side seat on Sunday. The best mint julep vendor inside Churchill Downs. The shortest line for the fabled pimento cheese sandwiches on the Augusta grounds. The astrologer on Southern Parkway who bets superfectas in the 4th race. And the U.S. Mid-Amateur winner whose every stride at Augusta feels like an answered prayer, especially through Amen Corner.
I want to write about the personalities and snippets that never get mentioned -- the stories never worthy of print.
So that's my Christmas wish Santa. See what your elves can do. In the interim I'll continue to refine my prose (if I'm allowed to call it that).
If it ever comes to be, an aging child with an affinity for KY bourbon will be grateful forever. I'll even hammer out some toys for you in the off-season. If a cotton-headed ninny-muggins like Will Farrell can earn his keep on the North Pole, I can too.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sen. Mitchell meets Malcolm Gladwell (Roids Pt. III)
My counterparts made some solid (passionate) points below. But by in large, I happen to disagree with their takeaway. If only we could find some means to wager on our differences of opinion. Gentlemen, I challenge thee: find a bet for us out of the Roids Report.
Let's break the law on our own terms.
Anecdotally, the $20M Mitchell spent doesn’t bother me in the least -- not when prescription drug bills (more/less written by Big Pharma) cost $800 BILLION MORE than Congress estimates. $20M: that’s not even a rounding error on the 847th page of a prescription drug bill.
There’s everyday governmental pork. Then there’s loin for the state fair. And healthcare could host a 4-H for all of Manhattan.
Alright, sorry about the diatribe, just had to get that off my chest.
Back on the subject at hand, I don’t blame the players per say, though I’d like to see anyone found guilty of steroid usage banned for life. They knew they were breaking the rules and they broke them anyway. What sort of message does it send if the League's reprimand starts with an amnesty program.
I don’t blame the players' union either; a union is null and void the day it stops representing its members' wishes. You can't fault the elected messenger (Fehr) if the members aren't clamoring for change.
In reality, any time there’s money on the line people will be inclined to cheat. Raise the stakes and make the playing field worth millions: you’re going to get more than a few takers. Accordingly, there are only two groups that could have brought the steroid era to its knees: non-users (players) and the League itself.
The fact that so few players were willing to expose (or even talk about) Extreme Makeover: Baseball Edition, shows how prevalent usage really was. The way I see it, non-users wouldn’t have allowed the likes of Hundley, Sosa, or Matthews Jr. -– players who underwent transformation a la the Incredible Hulk and then cashed in -- to nab huge contracts, taking from their own slice of the pie. They wouldn’t have allowed them to get away with that unless usage was an accepted part of the clubhouse.
I’m not suggesting that Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. welcomed drug usage into their dugouts. Rather, I bet most rumors were swept aside before they made waves with the elders. Besides, who wants to rock a ship that’s getting more crowded by the day?
Who does that leave? You betcha. I blame Major League Baseball.
A decade before Sosa and McGuire battled for 62, there were rumors of steroids in the game. And MLB did nothing. They did nothing in the 80s and nothing in the 90s. Only now, after a Congressional investigation and Jose Canseco's smoking needle, is the front-office pleading hands-on involvement.
“We will do what the report recommends.” You gotta be kidding me Selig. You don’t belong with Skilling or Lay, but you’re no Boy Scout either. You saw the packed stadiums and took a pass on investigating their causation. In your own way, you backdated a few (BALCO-laden) stock options and cashed in on the added juice of the game. Your actions (or lack thereof) will probably earn you another seat on a corporate Board, but in actuality you belong with Wynona Ryder: guilty of an undercover shopping spree.
But after the smoke settles and we're left to evaluate the ashes, I do think this report will matter. This report, with its canceled checks and magnifying glass pointed at the Rocket, might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Outwardly, conversationally, and even at the ballpark, we’ve talked about the Steroid Era in certain terms. But until last week, it was mainly just talk and a few minor suspensions. And whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of fans were still playing dumb: citing Bonds, Sosa, and Giambi as an unrepresentative minority.
No mas.
Sixty-eight names. Enough for an all-star at every position. And for dessert: a 99 mph fast-ball aimed at the best pitcher in a generation.
A cooperative trainer with long-standing relationships and records. Canceled checks all over the place, dating back for years (nobody will accuse these players of ignoring GAAP). And days after the Report, Andy Petite has already come forward, admitting he used HGH.
It smells a whole lot like da truth.
Mitchell’s influence may not be measurable or immediately felt. Baseball will be played in the spring, and the crowds will be bigger than ever. But MLB's front-office, toothless to-date, is finally starting to get its act together.
That's what happens when you get caught: you pay a fine, feign responsibility, and move forward knowing that your indiscretions will be remembered -- whether you’re Exxon, or Enron, or FEMA.
So thanks Senator Mitchell. You anted a few paltry paper clips. A few memorable ounces. But that meager addition may have been enough to tip the scales forever.
I think we've got ourselves an era.
Let's break the law on our own terms.
Anecdotally, the $20M Mitchell spent doesn’t bother me in the least -- not when prescription drug bills (more/less written by Big Pharma) cost $800 BILLION MORE than Congress estimates. $20M: that’s not even a rounding error on the 847th page of a prescription drug bill.
There’s everyday governmental pork. Then there’s loin for the state fair. And healthcare could host a 4-H for all of Manhattan.
Alright, sorry about the diatribe, just had to get that off my chest.
Back on the subject at hand, I don’t blame the players per say, though I’d like to see anyone found guilty of steroid usage banned for life. They knew they were breaking the rules and they broke them anyway. What sort of message does it send if the League's reprimand starts with an amnesty program.
I don’t blame the players' union either; a union is null and void the day it stops representing its members' wishes. You can't fault the elected messenger (Fehr) if the members aren't clamoring for change.
In reality, any time there’s money on the line people will be inclined to cheat. Raise the stakes and make the playing field worth millions: you’re going to get more than a few takers. Accordingly, there are only two groups that could have brought the steroid era to its knees: non-users (players) and the League itself.
The fact that so few players were willing to expose (or even talk about) Extreme Makeover: Baseball Edition, shows how prevalent usage really was. The way I see it, non-users wouldn’t have allowed the likes of Hundley, Sosa, or Matthews Jr. -– players who underwent transformation a la the Incredible Hulk and then cashed in -- to nab huge contracts, taking from their own slice of the pie. They wouldn’t have allowed them to get away with that unless usage was an accepted part of the clubhouse.
I’m not suggesting that Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. welcomed drug usage into their dugouts. Rather, I bet most rumors were swept aside before they made waves with the elders. Besides, who wants to rock a ship that’s getting more crowded by the day?
Who does that leave? You betcha. I blame Major League Baseball.
A decade before Sosa and McGuire battled for 62, there were rumors of steroids in the game. And MLB did nothing. They did nothing in the 80s and nothing in the 90s. Only now, after a Congressional investigation and Jose Canseco's smoking needle, is the front-office pleading hands-on involvement.
“We will do what the report recommends.” You gotta be kidding me Selig. You don’t belong with Skilling or Lay, but you’re no Boy Scout either. You saw the packed stadiums and took a pass on investigating their causation. In your own way, you backdated a few (BALCO-laden) stock options and cashed in on the added juice of the game. Your actions (or lack thereof) will probably earn you another seat on a corporate Board, but in actuality you belong with Wynona Ryder: guilty of an undercover shopping spree.
But after the smoke settles and we're left to evaluate the ashes, I do think this report will matter. This report, with its canceled checks and magnifying glass pointed at the Rocket, might just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Outwardly, conversationally, and even at the ballpark, we’ve talked about the Steroid Era in certain terms. But until last week, it was mainly just talk and a few minor suspensions. And whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of fans were still playing dumb: citing Bonds, Sosa, and Giambi as an unrepresentative minority.
No mas.
Sixty-eight names. Enough for an all-star at every position. And for dessert: a 99 mph fast-ball aimed at the best pitcher in a generation.
A cooperative trainer with long-standing relationships and records. Canceled checks all over the place, dating back for years (nobody will accuse these players of ignoring GAAP). And days after the Report, Andy Petite has already come forward, admitting he used HGH.
It smells a whole lot like da truth.
Mitchell’s influence may not be measurable or immediately felt. Baseball will be played in the spring, and the crowds will be bigger than ever. But MLB's front-office, toothless to-date, is finally starting to get its act together.
That's what happens when you get caught: you pay a fine, feign responsibility, and move forward knowing that your indiscretions will be remembered -- whether you’re Exxon, or Enron, or FEMA.
So thanks Senator Mitchell. You anted a few paltry paper clips. A few memorable ounces. But that meager addition may have been enough to tip the scales forever.
I think we've got ourselves an era.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Bitchell Report, Pt 2
Okay, I just got done reading the whole report. Seriously, It reads like something I wrote in college the night before it was due, with a killer hangover and too little research.
The stunningly repetitive “report’ says the same thing over and over and over. And that would be fine, if it said anything new, but it doesn’t. It basically is a compendium of every steroid story you’ve heard over the years. It is cobbled together from police reports and old news stories. i mean, come on, a United States Senator has to use 20 million dollars to quote a 2002 article from USA TODAY, featuring the blockbuster revelations of Todd Zeile?
Here are the three things I took from it.
The first is how the media has absolutely and unequivocally messed this whole thing up from the very start. Originally, they are complicit in not pushing the issue of steroids earlier. The national past time was eroding in front of our collective face, and where was the Fourth Estate? Right there, but saying nothing. Every paper has beat writers who follow these teams, every network has the same. These reporters can routinely be heard in their columns, on TV or the radio, spouting off about the access they have to the players. Yet in the “Report” , and in my memory, there were only a handful of in-depth, far reaching investigative reports over the years. The kind that really put a spotlight on the problem. And most of those seem to be the foundation for this “report”. And now that the "report" is here, no one is calling this thing out. Check out Espn’s Page2 links to newspaper coverage from across the country. Almost every thing I’ve seen is all about how the scathing “report” has ousted the likes of Matt Herges and Mike Lansing. So what? How dare they give credit for the “outing” of Canseco, Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield, Camminitti and the likes to Mitchell! How hard is it to include Rafael Palmero in your "report"? The only surprises at all were Clemens and ,even more so to me, Andy Pettite. Otherwise it was only a regurgitation of what we knew and no one is holding MLB’s feet to the fire.
Which is my second thought, that this whole thing is a dog and pony show for MLB and will be used to cover up the issues. The “report” mentions numerous times how a drug policy was always secondary (at best) to economic issues at the bargaining table. MLB has just broken attendance records for the 4th year in a row (something like 75 million people attended MLB games last year). They constantly tried to discredit Canseco, which should have been easy if not for his telling the truth, but were unable to sweep the steroids under the rug when his book came out and prompted the Senate Hearings. So they get noted tobacco lobbyist and RED SOX DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS George Mitchell to run an “investigation”. That’s like appointing Alberto Gonzales as special prosecutor in a Bush impeachment. How hard did they try? They did 600 interviews. Great. 68 were players. Okay. 23 were Red Sox. Whaa? So only around 10 percent of your interviews are with players and roughly a third a from the same team? No wonder they couldn’t find weapons of mass destruction. That’s why you don’t have an owner as commissioner. Especially Bud Selig. Has he ever inspired confidence in anyone? I like the part where Mitchell recounts the story of Selig going to the mall to see if GNC indeed sells andro over the counter. Classic. How out of touch is this guy. And how badly does Donald Fehr own him?
Which is my third point. Donald Fehr is Biff Tannen, Selig is George McFly, and we the fans are all the other kids in town that have to deal with Biff’s shit. The players Union is killing baseball. How about the downright refusal to give Senator Mitchell access to relevant documents or the guy that does the drug testing. They wouldn’t LET the US Senator in charge of a steroid investigation talk to the freaking drug screener. Amazing. And how about the part where they describe how the PU runs interference for several weeks before a player is actually tested for anything. Unreal. Privacy issues? Come on now. At least try not to smirk when you say this stuff Donald.
Which leads me to propose Deportation for Donald Fehr. I hope they sic dogs on him.
The stunningly repetitive “report’ says the same thing over and over and over. And that would be fine, if it said anything new, but it doesn’t. It basically is a compendium of every steroid story you’ve heard over the years. It is cobbled together from police reports and old news stories. i mean, come on, a United States Senator has to use 20 million dollars to quote a 2002 article from USA TODAY, featuring the blockbuster revelations of Todd Zeile?
Here are the three things I took from it.
The first is how the media has absolutely and unequivocally messed this whole thing up from the very start. Originally, they are complicit in not pushing the issue of steroids earlier. The national past time was eroding in front of our collective face, and where was the Fourth Estate? Right there, but saying nothing. Every paper has beat writers who follow these teams, every network has the same. These reporters can routinely be heard in their columns, on TV or the radio, spouting off about the access they have to the players. Yet in the “Report” , and in my memory, there were only a handful of in-depth, far reaching investigative reports over the years. The kind that really put a spotlight on the problem. And most of those seem to be the foundation for this “report”. And now that the "report" is here, no one is calling this thing out. Check out Espn’s Page2 links to newspaper coverage from across the country. Almost every thing I’ve seen is all about how the scathing “report” has ousted the likes of Matt Herges and Mike Lansing. So what? How dare they give credit for the “outing” of Canseco, Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield, Camminitti and the likes to Mitchell! How hard is it to include Rafael Palmero in your "report"? The only surprises at all were Clemens and ,even more so to me, Andy Pettite. Otherwise it was only a regurgitation of what we knew and no one is holding MLB’s feet to the fire.
Which is my second thought, that this whole thing is a dog and pony show for MLB and will be used to cover up the issues. The “report” mentions numerous times how a drug policy was always secondary (at best) to economic issues at the bargaining table. MLB has just broken attendance records for the 4th year in a row (something like 75 million people attended MLB games last year). They constantly tried to discredit Canseco, which should have been easy if not for his telling the truth, but were unable to sweep the steroids under the rug when his book came out and prompted the Senate Hearings. So they get noted tobacco lobbyist and RED SOX DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS George Mitchell to run an “investigation”. That’s like appointing Alberto Gonzales as special prosecutor in a Bush impeachment. How hard did they try? They did 600 interviews. Great. 68 were players. Okay. 23 were Red Sox. Whaa? So only around 10 percent of your interviews are with players and roughly a third a from the same team? No wonder they couldn’t find weapons of mass destruction. That’s why you don’t have an owner as commissioner. Especially Bud Selig. Has he ever inspired confidence in anyone? I like the part where Mitchell recounts the story of Selig going to the mall to see if GNC indeed sells andro over the counter. Classic. How out of touch is this guy. And how badly does Donald Fehr own him?
Which is my third point. Donald Fehr is Biff Tannen, Selig is George McFly, and we the fans are all the other kids in town that have to deal with Biff’s shit. The players Union is killing baseball. How about the downright refusal to give Senator Mitchell access to relevant documents or the guy that does the drug testing. They wouldn’t LET the US Senator in charge of a steroid investigation talk to the freaking drug screener. Amazing. And how about the part where they describe how the PU runs interference for several weeks before a player is actually tested for anything. Unreal. Privacy issues? Come on now. At least try not to smirk when you say this stuff Donald.
Which leads me to propose Deportation for Donald Fehr. I hope they sic dogs on him.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Senator George "Stop Calling me Joni" Mitchell's Report
I. "Joni Mitchell Never Lies" -Q-Tip
I admit it, I bought into the whole "this will be a day that changes the future of sports". I spent about 6 hours at work actually listening to ESPN Radio on the Internet. I listened to Sen. Mitchell's talk and then listened to some analysis and then I listened to Commissioner Selig's speech. Afterwards, it reminded me of that t-shirt that says, "I shaved my balls for this?".
Essentially, the report was partly filled with hearsay and partly filled with copies of checks. Sen. Mitchell spent 20 million dollars to find 70-some names in a 10-15 year history of the steroid era. He was able to find 2 guys to squeal like pigs, that's right, 2. But at least he exposed some serious figures in baseball history: Glenallen Hill, Todd Hundley, Brian Roberts......uhhhh what? Of course, we did get some information on Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite, but really, that was it. Some of the names listed had harder evidence, some had little evidence. Did anyone hear David Justice's rebuttal today? It was pretty legit, and to be honest, I believe him. Makes you wonder why David Justice would vehemently deny using steroids, while Roger Clemens would have his attorney spout off some gibberish. The point is, if there wasn't hard evidence, any of these players could deny it, and it wouldn't be a problem.
I believe that it would really be impossible to chip away and discover all that happened during this pathetic era in baseball. For me, the hope is that baseball gets its head out of its ass and really adheres to a serious drug testing program. Be thorough, don't give any advance warning, and continue to increase the length of punishment. Show players and the general public that the use of banned substances won't be tolerated and that it will put a huge dent in the incomes of these players.
II. Don't Write a Check Your Butt/Drug Dealer Can't Cash
Checks? Those guys actually wrote checks for steroids/HGH? Really? Was I the only one who started to scan the PDF yesterday and did a double-take when I came across some check copies?
Over the years, I've heard the talk about how baseball is filled with some real dummies. Being that a majority of players come straight out of high school and into the pros or the minors, they are the least educated of all professional sports. Is this true? I can't say for certain and I don't know any professional baseball players personally. But I'll tell you this, that line of thought sure was validated yesterday! Baseball players must be dumb as rocks. Please tell me David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Rondell White, and Denny Neagle, that you didn't really write personal checks for your illegal substances. I'm almost positive that in the little memo section, Rondell White wrote 'muscles'. Glenallen Hill's memo section read, 'me want big arms, to drive ball across Waveland'.
I guess this just goes to show that if you are dumb enough to cheat and use HGH, you are dumb enough to write checks to your drug dealer. So the next time all you readers out there go to pick up your dime bags, don't forget to bring the check book.
Coming soon, part two of our Joni Mitchell report coverage.
I admit it, I bought into the whole "this will be a day that changes the future of sports". I spent about 6 hours at work actually listening to ESPN Radio on the Internet. I listened to Sen. Mitchell's talk and then listened to some analysis and then I listened to Commissioner Selig's speech. Afterwards, it reminded me of that t-shirt that says, "I shaved my balls for this?".
Essentially, the report was partly filled with hearsay and partly filled with copies of checks. Sen. Mitchell spent 20 million dollars to find 70-some names in a 10-15 year history of the steroid era. He was able to find 2 guys to squeal like pigs, that's right, 2. But at least he exposed some serious figures in baseball history: Glenallen Hill, Todd Hundley, Brian Roberts......uhhhh what? Of course, we did get some information on Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite, but really, that was it. Some of the names listed had harder evidence, some had little evidence. Did anyone hear David Justice's rebuttal today? It was pretty legit, and to be honest, I believe him. Makes you wonder why David Justice would vehemently deny using steroids, while Roger Clemens would have his attorney spout off some gibberish. The point is, if there wasn't hard evidence, any of these players could deny it, and it wouldn't be a problem.
I believe that it would really be impossible to chip away and discover all that happened during this pathetic era in baseball. For me, the hope is that baseball gets its head out of its ass and really adheres to a serious drug testing program. Be thorough, don't give any advance warning, and continue to increase the length of punishment. Show players and the general public that the use of banned substances won't be tolerated and that it will put a huge dent in the incomes of these players.
II. Don't Write a Check Your Butt/Drug Dealer Can't Cash
Checks? Those guys actually wrote checks for steroids/HGH? Really? Was I the only one who started to scan the PDF yesterday and did a double-take when I came across some check copies?
Over the years, I've heard the talk about how baseball is filled with some real dummies. Being that a majority of players come straight out of high school and into the pros or the minors, they are the least educated of all professional sports. Is this true? I can't say for certain and I don't know any professional baseball players personally. But I'll tell you this, that line of thought sure was validated yesterday! Baseball players must be dumb as rocks. Please tell me David Segui, Larry Bigbie, Rondell White, and Denny Neagle, that you didn't really write personal checks for your illegal substances. I'm almost positive that in the little memo section, Rondell White wrote 'muscles'. Glenallen Hill's memo section read, 'me want big arms, to drive ball across Waveland'.
I guess this just goes to show that if you are dumb enough to cheat and use HGH, you are dumb enough to write checks to your drug dealer. So the next time all you readers out there go to pick up your dime bags, don't forget to bring the check book.
Coming soon, part two of our Joni Mitchell report coverage.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Dumb and Dumberer
It hurts not having a college football playoff. It hurts all by itself.
Adding insult to injury, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are currently hosting the “ESPNU Championships" -- a hypothetical playoff scenario pitting sixteen of the nation's best CFB teams against each other.
The ESPNU Campionships are my early front-runner for an ESPY in the category: “dumbest idea of 2007.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t ease my current pain: the Gameday duo continues to throw salt on the Escalade-sized CFB wound.
Truthfully, I think all of ESPN’s hypothetical brackets are ultra dumb. Tiger vs. Lebron, ARod vs. Peyton – nobody cares. When 75,000 people vote for Oscar De la Hoya over Tanya Harding in the Midwest Nabisco Bracket it merely verifies that those 75,000 people are online every hour of every day. They’d vote 1,000 times in exchange for one frequent player point on PokerStars if they could.
On the other hand, it does make me wonder if ESPN concocted these Championships to fill some airtime. Discouraging if true. ESPN's vault should never be lacking in quality, original programming; they’re normally the gold standard.
But even the best among us struggle for ideas at times, which is why I’m volunteering my services. Below are four ideas for segments which ESPN should air (light years) before another ESPNU Championship. See what you think.
1) Poolside Chats with Erin Andrews (live from Mandalay Bay)
FDR had fireside chats. Erin should have poolside chats.
Talk about a ratings bump. What if Sportscenter ended every show with a bikini-laden Andrews, hosting impromptu interviews with professional athletes live from the pool at Mandalay Bay. If Bill Simmons’ sightings during random Vegas weekends are a representative sample, I don’t think Erin will have any trouble bumping into noteworthy guests.
Picture Sheed and Rip at the pool after a bender, floating on rafts with a quartet from The Spearmint Rhino. Erin wades over to the sextet, nabbing a few candid remarks from the stars. Sheed asks Andrews to pass the Courvoisier.
It’s ESPN’s answer to MTV’s Beach House. Viewers get to see the pros + their hos + Erin in a bikini. Sky is the limit.
2) A Collegiate Mascot Boxing Tourney ($1M: Winner-Take-All)
ESPN's track record with mascots is off the charts. Especially in their "This is Sportscenter" commercials. But hosting a $1M mascot boxing tourney is taking it to a whole other level.
The details need to be hammered out, buy my suggestion is three rounds per bout (single elimination). NCAA athletes could sit in their mascot's corner, taking on the role of trainer and coach. Highlights to be aired each day on Sportscenter.
Pay-per-view has to be salivating as well; an early round showdown between Sammy the Owl (Rice) and Captain Cane (Tulsa) is all but a foregone conclusion. And with a cool million on the line, maybe we’ll finally see what a Hoosier looks like.
If ESPN doesn't nail this down by spring, I'm calling Don King.
3) Figure Skating with Jermaine O’Neal and Manny Ramirez
This is the most unlikely duo I could fathom on ice.
Letterman once asked Barkley what he though about the Winter Olympics. Sir Charles chuckled and said, “brothers don’t do ice.” Well having a 7-footer in dreads at the rink has to give new meaning to Barkley’s words. Hell, I’d give ten bucks just to hear Jermaine say “triple-toe-loop.”
Meanwhile, Manny could do his kiss/kiss/wave routine -– the one that accompanies every homerun -- except his routine would be right before a double axle (Note to ESPN: this footage would be worth millions in resale to MasterCard for their “priceless” commercials).
Sure, EMS will have to be present at all times, but that just speaks to commitment -- quality sports programming comes with a few bruises.
4) A “Truth or Dare” segment with Dice-K and Maria Sharapova.
I can sum up this numeral's potential with Dice-K’s first word on air:
“Dare.”
Adding insult to injury, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are currently hosting the “ESPNU Championships" -- a hypothetical playoff scenario pitting sixteen of the nation's best CFB teams against each other.
The ESPNU Campionships are my early front-runner for an ESPY in the category: “dumbest idea of 2007.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t ease my current pain: the Gameday duo continues to throw salt on the Escalade-sized CFB wound.
Truthfully, I think all of ESPN’s hypothetical brackets are ultra dumb. Tiger vs. Lebron, ARod vs. Peyton – nobody cares. When 75,000 people vote for Oscar De la Hoya over Tanya Harding in the Midwest Nabisco Bracket it merely verifies that those 75,000 people are online every hour of every day. They’d vote 1,000 times in exchange for one frequent player point on PokerStars if they could.
On the other hand, it does make me wonder if ESPN concocted these Championships to fill some airtime. Discouraging if true. ESPN's vault should never be lacking in quality, original programming; they’re normally the gold standard.
But even the best among us struggle for ideas at times, which is why I’m volunteering my services. Below are four ideas for segments which ESPN should air (light years) before another ESPNU Championship. See what you think.
1) Poolside Chats with Erin Andrews (live from Mandalay Bay)
FDR had fireside chats. Erin should have poolside chats.
Talk about a ratings bump. What if Sportscenter ended every show with a bikini-laden Andrews, hosting impromptu interviews with professional athletes live from the pool at Mandalay Bay. If Bill Simmons’ sightings during random Vegas weekends are a representative sample, I don’t think Erin will have any trouble bumping into noteworthy guests.
Picture Sheed and Rip at the pool after a bender, floating on rafts with a quartet from The Spearmint Rhino. Erin wades over to the sextet, nabbing a few candid remarks from the stars. Sheed asks Andrews to pass the Courvoisier.
It’s ESPN’s answer to MTV’s Beach House. Viewers get to see the pros + their hos + Erin in a bikini. Sky is the limit.
2) A Collegiate Mascot Boxing Tourney ($1M: Winner-Take-All)
ESPN's track record with mascots is off the charts. Especially in their "This is Sportscenter" commercials. But hosting a $1M mascot boxing tourney is taking it to a whole other level.
The details need to be hammered out, buy my suggestion is three rounds per bout (single elimination). NCAA athletes could sit in their mascot's corner, taking on the role of trainer and coach. Highlights to be aired each day on Sportscenter.
Pay-per-view has to be salivating as well; an early round showdown between Sammy the Owl (Rice) and Captain Cane (Tulsa) is all but a foregone conclusion. And with a cool million on the line, maybe we’ll finally see what a Hoosier looks like.
If ESPN doesn't nail this down by spring, I'm calling Don King.
3) Figure Skating with Jermaine O’Neal and Manny Ramirez
This is the most unlikely duo I could fathom on ice.
Letterman once asked Barkley what he though about the Winter Olympics. Sir Charles chuckled and said, “brothers don’t do ice.” Well having a 7-footer in dreads at the rink has to give new meaning to Barkley’s words. Hell, I’d give ten bucks just to hear Jermaine say “triple-toe-loop.”
Meanwhile, Manny could do his kiss/kiss/wave routine -– the one that accompanies every homerun -- except his routine would be right before a double axle (Note to ESPN: this footage would be worth millions in resale to MasterCard for their “priceless” commercials).
Sure, EMS will have to be present at all times, but that just speaks to commitment -- quality sports programming comes with a few bruises.
4) A “Truth or Dare” segment with Dice-K and Maria Sharapova.
I can sum up this numeral's potential with Dice-K’s first word on air:
“Dare.”
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Sports Deporters Top 25: sponsored by Cuervo Black
Yeah, I know we're already done with a quarter of the season, but somethings just don't come together like you want them to. With that being said....wish you were there.
This is more of a year ending Top 25.
Super sleeper Daily Double come tournament time......if they get in, Belmont. 11 guys play over 10 minutes, so they won't wear down against super athletic teams. Justin Hare has a weird last name, but he can be lights out. Win some brackets with Belmont.
Predictions:
This is more of a year ending Top 25.
- North Carolina (29-2) - Is there really any need for explanation here? They have a legit Player of the Year candidate and the best point guard in the country who pushes the pace to breakneck speed. Aside from that, they have a truck full of McDonald's All-Americans who actually play roles. I think that is something that isn't talked about enough. They have some great high-profile guys who sacrifice for the team with secondary roles. The ACC looks pretty week so far and it appears the Heels won't be pressed for awhile. Looking forward to some showdowns with the Blue Devils.
- Kansas (27-4) - Their starting five is redonkulous and they have 3 seniors coming off the bench. It's another case where the young guys on the team have seen their fair share of battles and are very experienced. I don't like the fact that Brandon Rush doesn't look fully recovered from knee surgery this summer, but they should have enough depth to stay solid until he returns to form. They will be tested in what will be a deceptively tough Big 12. Player to keep an eye on: Mario Chalmers.
- UCLA (26-5) - Two championship games in a row for the Bruins, and the fun doesn't stop there. They've essentially only lost Aaron Aflalo from those runner-up teams, and he didn't seem to step up on the big games. Once Darren Collison returns from injury, this team will be destined for a third straight trip to the Final Four. Great player you've probably never heard of, Josh Shipp.
- Memphis (28-4) - As always, not sold on their ability to get to the Final Four. It's difficult to put them too low though, as their conference is weak. They are very talented, and Derrick Rose is another on the long list of great diaper dandies this year. He is legit, watch him if you can. Look for late games against Gonzaga and Tennessee to get a heat check on the Tigers.
- Indiana (24-8) - Partially biased. Allow me to reiterate, if Eric Gordon puts up stats that are at least 75% of what Kevin Durant put up last year, the Hoosiers will make it to the Final Four. They know Sampson's system now and will be getting AJ Ratliff back in a few weeks. Eric Gordon is a superstar and plays wiser than his age. DJ White looks to be warming up to the form that people were talking about this summer. They will at the top of an unusually weak Big Ten.
- Louisville (24-7) - Why this high? Well, we could start with Pitino. But really, they are a deep team that was a hair away from stirring up some trouble in the tournament last year. Even though they lost David Padgett for the year (this guy thinks Padgett was pretty overrated), they have a strong front court with Caracter and Clark, and have one of the country's best all around athletes in Terrence Williams. Throw in Edgar Sosa, who's been struggling this year, and you have yourself a Final Four contender. Let's hope that in the Kumite which is the Big East, they aren't the ones tapping out. (Yes, that was a Bloodsport reference.) Juan Palacios has been on this team for 13 years.
- Gonzaga (27-4) - These guys were a mushroom cap away from having a great season last year, and now that they get Josh Heytvelt (broken foot) back later this month, they are going to have that great season. The Zags play another brutal non-conference schedule, but they'll get through that mostly unscathed. They're definitely Elite Eight material and maybe more. Keep an eye on Jeremy Pargo.
- Tennessee (26-5) - My Wildcat Blue bias doesn't allow me to give a lot of love to the Vols, but this team is strong. They are both old and young, starting 2 Seniors and 3 Sophomores. Chris Lofton is as clutch as you can get and they have 11 guys playing over 11 minutes a game. That's deep. Player to watch and who has a great name, Wayne Chism.
- Georgetown (24-7) - As Big Roy goes, as this team will go. There's nothing like a great big man in the college game. The Hoyas are deep and play shut down defense. Everything will depend on Hibbert and their offense. If a couple guys step up late in the season, sure I could see them in the Final Four. I'd put my money on the Elite Eight though.
- Duke (27-4) - Boooooooo.......I mean.......they are athletic and seem to be playing really well thus far. I'm not a huge fan of Marquette and Wisconsin, so to me, I'm wondering if they have played anyone yet. I do like the win versus Davidson. Gerald Henderson is having a great sophomore campaign. I'll judge them in the UNC games. Could be higher, could be lower.
- Michigan State (25-6) - H to tha Izzo V to the Izzay. Izzo always has a tough squad to beat. I like them, but haven't gotten to see them yet. Keep an eye on Neitzel. I'm reserving most of my judgement, but know they'll be strong in the end. Will battle with the Hoosiers for the Big Ten title.
- Oregon (25-6) - Even though they lost Aaron Brooks, they may be better this year. I really like Malik Hairston and how can you not root for 5'6" Tajuan Porter, who's throwing up 15 points a game. Like I said, they may be better. I don't like the fact that they are playing 7 guys right now. Could be a sleeper.
- USC (23-8) - A very interesting team. I don't have them this high because they currently look like a playground squad thrown together. I don't have them this high because Tim Floyd is their coach. I do have them this high because they have uber talent and the top 8 guys in minutes are either a freshman or a sophomore. Give them 3/4ths of a season to get acclimated. After that, they may blow some doors off people. I swear Devon Jefferson hit his head on the roof slamming home a put back this week. Let's see how good OJ Mayo really is.
- Southern Illinois (24-7) - I love their defense and Randall Falkner. With that being said, I don't like the spanking from USC. Was that an anomaly? Not sure, I may have them too high. Wait and see approach, but I think they will be as good as always come tournament time.
- Washington State (25-6) - Who? I like Derrick Low, but I can't name another soul on their team. These guys are the no names who don't get a lot of respect. They have an upside in the lineage of their coach, but I don't think they have the chops yet to take it to the house. I'll give 'em the Sweet Sixteen and watch them get beat by a team with more talent.
- Texas A&M (24-7) - Oh how I wish DeAndre Jordan had followed Billy Gillespie to Kentucky. Talented team in a tough Big 12. They have some good senior leadership to go with some young talent. Keep an eye on Jordan to see if he improves twofold by the end of the year.
- Davidson (24-7) - Don't get fooled because of these early losses. These are the losses that make a team like Davidson a giant killer in the post-season. I love me some Stephen Curry. They'll have to hit 24 wins to get into the Dance, and if they do, I like 'em a lot.
- Butler (27-4) - They had a great year last year and then got a new coach. Didn't matter. They are playing great again this year and play a pretty solid non-conference schedule. I don't like that they barely play 7 guys, but they somehow get it done. AJ Graves is a strong senior leader for them and is just one of 20 or so brothers who have played mid-major college hoops. You gotta like that. I'll put them in the Elite Eight.
- Syracuse (21-10) - This is a long shot. Boeheim is playing 5 guys over 32 minutes a game. That's not conducive to having very much success, and the usually strong defense gave up 107 points at home to UMass. But, I think they have enough talent to beat some good teams. True freshman point guard Johnny Flynn is playing good ball and freshman big man Donte Green looks like a keeper also. The 'Cuse just needs a bench. Player you will enjoy watching, Eric Devendorf.
- Arizona (22-9) - Sophomore Budinger and Freshman Bayless give the Cats a nice 1-2 combo. Kevin O'Neil is playing 10 guys over 10 minutes and I like their mixture of old guys and new guys. Could see a resurgence in the Cats this year.
- Arkansas (21-10) - Gotta give some props to the Big Blue's own John Pelphrey for landing this job. It's a huge step up in competition from where he was. That could lead to a few growing pains early, but I think they will be strong in the SEC.
- North Carolina State (22-9) - The ACC isn't that deep this year and I like their coach Sidney Lowe. Keep an eye on Freshman JJ Hickson.
- Villanova (22-9) - Jay Wright has a very young team lead by Sophomore sharp-shooter Scottie Reynolds. He's a fun one to watch and by the end of the year, Wright will have his team ready to do some damage in the tournament.
- Marquette (23-8) - Marquette probably has the best back court combination in the land and that is definitely good come tournament time. I am very scared of their front court though. No good big men in sight. Tom Crean is a great coach and I think they will be a good call come tourney time. Have fun watching James and McNeal.
- Kansas State (23-8) - Bob Huggins sure did a lot in one year at Kansas State. He brought in Michael Beasley. Michael Beasley, 6'9" 235lb. freshman averaging 25 points and 15 rebounds. Stud. He'll be the number one pick next year over "my boy" Eric Gordon. If the rest of the young guys step up, I think K State could be a surprise. Sweet Sixteen.
Super sleeper Daily Double come tournament time......if they get in, Belmont. 11 guys play over 10 minutes, so they won't wear down against super athletic teams. Justin Hare has a weird last name, but he can be lights out. Win some brackets with Belmont.
Predictions:
- Final Four (per Bracketology): UNC, UCLA, Tennessee, Indiana
- Playa of the Year: Michael Beasley
Monday, December 3, 2007
A League Of My Own (Or Three)
Oil Can, Ivan, thanks for the intro and the invite. Usually it's only the whiskey smelling Santa Claus look alike bellied up to the bar that listens to my sports rants. Now I have...Well, it's a start.
As a lifelong sports fan, I am used to the cyclical nature of the beast. I followed the Yankees and Colts when they had no right having fans, and laugh at the state of their individual fandom's now. I grew up devouring the NBA, how could I not with Bird, Magic, MJ, and the dynamic duo of Spud Webb and Mugsy Bougues. What can I say, they made me happy. I even, having been named for a hockey player, chose to waste time (mainly during the playoffs). Watching and attending hockey games with passion and verve.
But now, oh but now. The leagues are falling apart. True, the NFL is on top of the world, right now. But they look an awful lot to me like the NBA did in the late 80's early 90's. Clamoring for expansion that will only dilute an already thinning talent pool (Vinny Testaverde? Really?), playing regular season games outside the country (the Giants have looked GREAT after their
trip to LONDON!), player controversy (R.I.P. Sean Taylor), and freaking Bill Bellechick. None of that bodes well for the NFL.
MLB has somehow (shoddy management by owners, numerous scandals, work stoppages and an inability to be fluid in changing technological times) managed to plunge America's Pastime into a droll affair so badly in danger of losing an entire generation that they hired DANE COOK to shill the playoffs. I repeat: The season ending, drama producing, fervor inducing playoffs of our nations past time needed a comedian that the owners (who in my mind look like the floating heads from the beginning of Superman: The Movie) thought was still hip, even though his relevance lasted only slightly longer than Kerry Woods (sorry guys), to bring in what amounted to middling ratings.
And the NBA? Really? They still play? Did you see the numbers for last years finals? And talk about player problems! I mean the Detroit Bad Boys of my youth were nothing compared to the Jailblazers or the freaking Pacers. E tu, Isaiah? Can you think of an example, in any arena, where someone had their foot in the Pantheon of immortality, and then proceeded to attempt to tear that very arena down brick by brick, with every breath they took? Oh, right. I forgot about Britney Spears.
I will not even start on the NHL. What the F@$& is the Versus network?
Anyway, I don't believe in pointing out problems unless you have solutions at the ready, so hear are three leagues I propose to fill the voids of what we have now:
1. The National Beer Pong League: I saw this on YouTube http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1789844 , so I can't take total credit. But I thought that a unifying body, bring beer pong and Beirut players together would be a good thing in this time of strife and derision in our country. Plus, you know there are ad dollars in this thing. From Beer
companies, Table makers, Ping Pong Accesory makers and dealers, to party cup manufacturers.
2. Kick The Can League: This has all of the earmarks of a fantastic league, and ripe for TV (which is huge). If you aren't familiar, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kick_the_can
Think about the possiblilities. There can be differnet venues; domes, outdoors, fields, forests, urban. Weather could play a huge factor. People could develop specialties, therefore endearing an entire fan base. Imagine a scenario where the leagues all time reigning "IT" guards a can that is the key to twenty other players freedom, and lurking in the shadows is the rookie speedster sensation, who is about to break the single season record for kicking the can. Vegas would love this. Side bets galore.
Think about the possiblilities. There can be differnet venues; domes, outdoors, fields, forests, urban. Weather could play a huge factor. People could develop specialties, therefore endearing an entire fan base. Imagine a scenario where the leagues all time reigning "IT" guards a can that is the key to twenty other players freedom, and lurking in the shadows is the rookie speedster sensation, who is about to break the single season record for kicking the can. Vegas would love this. Side bets galore.
3. The Euchre League: I am sick of having to ask "Do you play Euchre?" This would take the game to the masses.If you can televise poker, you can televise Euchre. The team element can bring all kinds of drama. You can have tournaments or single matches. And most importantly, Vegas would love it.
Sorry for the salt, but that's what this is for right? I look forward to furthering the debate and
the threat of further podcasts.
The BCS, NFL Tidbits, and West Coast Representation
In truth, Oil Can does have his moments -- few and far between though they be. The OC put on quite a display in our FF league this weekend, nabbing the weekly high of the season (and a little extra cash). And just last week he referenced the most glaring black eye in all of sports: the lack of a college football playoff.
Dougnaldo, two high marks in seven days: you the stares of a million pairs. Best treat yourself to a bear claw.
Back onto college football, there's only one barrier standing between us and One Shining Moment 2, and that's Gordon Gecko's hallmark calling card: greed. Call it what you will, money or greed, either way it's the ugly stepchild in CFB. And the NCAA's perpetual "scholastic" marketing campaigns don't downplay that reality for a second.
The schools which perennially finish 3rd - 7th in major conferences don't want a playoff because they're worried it will devalue (literally) their 7 - 5 season. A season which, in all likelihood, touts wins against Ball State, Odessa Tech, and Irvine Muni. A season headed for paydirt in that grand daddy of 'em all, the Motor City Bowl.
You'd better rest up now. Come mid-December a no-name bowl game with an oversized corporate logo -- played in a half-full stadium in Mobile or Memphis -- will compete for a few hundred eyeballs on ESPN4 every night.
Tis the season for mediocrity.
And what a shame, because if ever a year called for a playoff, this would be it. There are four teams which can legitimately cry foul with regards to the grand prize: Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, and Hawaii. And there are another five of six who would certainly stand a shot in a one-and-done format.
Personally, I think the magic playoff number is 16. Any scenario should make room for cinderellas. What would March be without Villanova, N.C. State, or George Mason: giant slayers all. This year's best CFB storylines are Hawaii, Kansas, Missouri, and Illinois: they should all play for the crown.
And yes, most years, the SEC would deserve a handful of finalists. A 16-team playoff this year would get you Florida and probably Tennessee, both more than worthy.
Which also speaks to how ridiculously ineffective the current system is. Florida would probably be a TD favorite over Ohio State (this year's top BCS seed) if they played tomorrow. In today's BCS system, Florida isn't even invited to the dance.
And so a year of CFB that has been so damn good, so competitive, maybe the best season ever -- will end on an inconclusive clanker as OSU battles the two-loss Tigers of LSU.
Pathetic. Inexcusable. Unacceptable.
In other news:
How much does the NFL Network blow chunks. In particular, the employment of Chris Collinsworth and the lack of stadium noise during the Packers/Cowboys game (turn the damn microphone up already) had me floored. And Bryant Gumbel looked like he's been in the Nairobi Desert for the last decade looking for edible fish scales. Somebody help that poor guy to month's supply of hamburger helper.
Personally, I think we're due a constitutional amendment doing away with 1) The NFL Network and 2) these ridiculous network contracts which force us to watch localized games on Sunday regardless of how much the local team sucks. Maybe this is George Mitchell's next issue to tackle once Barry ends up behind bars.
Meanwhile.....could Aaron Rodgers' mullet-in-the-making look any more ridiculous in a Packer helmet? Somebody tackle Rodgers, give him a nuggie, and take a 2-guard to his mop. Then sign him to a long-term contract. This kid might be pretty good.
Finally, it is with great pleasure that we add a brethren as a contributor to the Deporters. He's a west coast wookie who baths occasionally, thinks beer pong should be an Olympic sport, and has plenty of NaCl on standby for the likes of overpaid sports wannabes. He's named after a former KY Derby favorite who didn't live up to the hype; set your expectations accordingly.
You can expect his insights (rants?) once a twice or month. We'll let him tell you the rest.
Brother Derek: welcome to our motley crew.
Dougnaldo, two high marks in seven days: you the stares of a million pairs. Best treat yourself to a bear claw.
Back onto college football, there's only one barrier standing between us and One Shining Moment 2, and that's Gordon Gecko's hallmark calling card: greed. Call it what you will, money or greed, either way it's the ugly stepchild in CFB. And the NCAA's perpetual "scholastic" marketing campaigns don't downplay that reality for a second.
The schools which perennially finish 3rd - 7th in major conferences don't want a playoff because they're worried it will devalue (literally) their 7 - 5 season. A season which, in all likelihood, touts wins against Ball State, Odessa Tech, and Irvine Muni. A season headed for paydirt in that grand daddy of 'em all, the Motor City Bowl.
You'd better rest up now. Come mid-December a no-name bowl game with an oversized corporate logo -- played in a half-full stadium in Mobile or Memphis -- will compete for a few hundred eyeballs on ESPN4 every night.
Tis the season for mediocrity.
And what a shame, because if ever a year called for a playoff, this would be it. There are four teams which can legitimately cry foul with regards to the grand prize: Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, and Hawaii. And there are another five of six who would certainly stand a shot in a one-and-done format.
Personally, I think the magic playoff number is 16. Any scenario should make room for cinderellas. What would March be without Villanova, N.C. State, or George Mason: giant slayers all. This year's best CFB storylines are Hawaii, Kansas, Missouri, and Illinois: they should all play for the crown.
And yes, most years, the SEC would deserve a handful of finalists. A 16-team playoff this year would get you Florida and probably Tennessee, both more than worthy.
Which also speaks to how ridiculously ineffective the current system is. Florida would probably be a TD favorite over Ohio State (this year's top BCS seed) if they played tomorrow. In today's BCS system, Florida isn't even invited to the dance.
And so a year of CFB that has been so damn good, so competitive, maybe the best season ever -- will end on an inconclusive clanker as OSU battles the two-loss Tigers of LSU.
Pathetic. Inexcusable. Unacceptable.
In other news:
How much does the NFL Network blow chunks. In particular, the employment of Chris Collinsworth and the lack of stadium noise during the Packers/Cowboys game (turn the damn microphone up already) had me floored. And Bryant Gumbel looked like he's been in the Nairobi Desert for the last decade looking for edible fish scales. Somebody help that poor guy to month's supply of hamburger helper.
Personally, I think we're due a constitutional amendment doing away with 1) The NFL Network and 2) these ridiculous network contracts which force us to watch localized games on Sunday regardless of how much the local team sucks. Maybe this is George Mitchell's next issue to tackle once Barry ends up behind bars.
Meanwhile.....could Aaron Rodgers' mullet-in-the-making look any more ridiculous in a Packer helmet? Somebody tackle Rodgers, give him a nuggie, and take a 2-guard to his mop. Then sign him to a long-term contract. This kid might be pretty good.
Finally, it is with great pleasure that we add a brethren as a contributor to the Deporters. He's a west coast wookie who baths occasionally, thinks beer pong should be an Olympic sport, and has plenty of NaCl on standby for the likes of overpaid sports wannabes. He's named after a former KY Derby favorite who didn't live up to the hype; set your expectations accordingly.
You can expect his insights (rants?) once a twice or month. We'll let him tell you the rest.
Brother Derek: welcome to our motley crew.
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