Dumb and Dumberer

It hurts not having a college football playoff. It hurts all by itself.

Adding insult to injury, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are currently hosting the “ESPNU Championships" -- a hypothetical playoff scenario pitting sixteen of the nation's best CFB teams against each other.

The ESPNU Campionships are my early front-runner for an ESPY in the category: “dumbest idea of 2007.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t ease my current pain: the Gameday duo continues to throw salt on the Escalade-sized CFB wound.

Truthfully, I think all of ESPN’s hypothetical brackets are ultra dumb. Tiger vs. Lebron, ARod vs. Peyton – nobody cares. When 75,000 people vote for Oscar De la Hoya over Tanya Harding in the Midwest Nabisco Bracket it merely verifies that those 75,000 people are online every hour of every day. They’d vote 1,000 times in exchange for one frequent player point on PokerStars if they could.

On the other hand, it does make me wonder if ESPN concocted these Championships to fill some airtime. Discouraging if true. ESPN's vault should never be lacking in quality, original programming; they’re normally the gold standard.

But even the best among us struggle for ideas at times, which is why I’m volunteering my services. Below are four ideas for segments which ESPN should air (light years) before another ESPNU Championship. See what you think.

1) Poolside Chats with Erin Andrews (live from Mandalay Bay)
FDR had fireside chats. Erin should have poolside chats.

Talk about a ratings bump. What if Sportscenter ended every show with a bikini-laden Andrews, hosting impromptu interviews with professional athletes live from the pool at Mandalay Bay. If Bill Simmons’ sightings during random Vegas weekends are a representative sample, I don’t think Erin will have any trouble bumping into noteworthy guests.

Picture Sheed and Rip at the pool after a bender, floating on rafts with a quartet from The Spearmint Rhino. Erin wades over to the sextet, nabbing a few candid remarks from the stars. Sheed asks Andrews to pass the Courvoisier.

It’s ESPN’s answer to MTV’s Beach House. Viewers get to see the pros + their hos + Erin in a bikini. Sky is the limit.

2) A Collegiate Mascot Boxing Tourney ($1M: Winner-Take-All)
ESPN's track record with mascots is off the charts. Especially in their "This is Sportscenter" commercials. But hosting a $1M mascot boxing tourney is taking it to a whole other level.

The details need to be hammered out, buy my suggestion is three rounds per bout (single elimination). NCAA athletes could sit in their mascot's corner, taking on the role of trainer and coach. Highlights to be aired each day on Sportscenter.

Pay-per-view has to be salivating as well; an early round showdown between Sammy the Owl (Rice) and Captain Cane (Tulsa) is all but a foregone conclusion. And with a cool million on the line, maybe we’ll finally see what a Hoosier looks like.

If ESPN doesn't nail this down by spring, I'm calling Don King.

3) Figure Skating with Jermaine O’Neal and Manny Ramirez
This is the most unlikely duo I could fathom on ice.

Letterman once asked Barkley what he though about the Winter Olympics. Sir Charles chuckled and said, “brothers don’t do ice.” Well having a 7-footer in dreads at the rink has to give new meaning to Barkley’s words. Hell, I’d give ten bucks just to hear Jermaine say “triple-toe-loop.”

Meanwhile, Manny could do his kiss/kiss/wave routine -– the one that accompanies every homerun -- except his routine would be right before a double axle (Note to ESPN: this footage would be worth millions in resale to MasterCard for their “priceless” commercials).

Sure, EMS will have to be present at all times, but that just speaks to commitment -- quality sports programming comes with a few bruises.

4) A “Truth or Dare” segment with Dice-K and Maria Sharapova.
I can sum up this numeral's potential with Dice-K’s first word on air:

“Dare.”