The Weekly Podcast

The Weekly Podcast is a regular entry in which the Deporters principal authors ask four questions to each other on anything (even remotely) sports related. Admittedly, our "podcast" lacks certain characteristics normally associated with podcasts. For a detailed explanation, see #5 in "The Rules of Engagement."

Ivan Drago's questions for Oil Can:

1) Will Tom Brady break Peyton Manning's record for TDs in a season? Follow on question. Who's Brady most likely to impregnate next: Giselle, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, or Erin Andrews?

Tom Brady will absolutely break Peyton Manning's record. The guy already has 27 touchdowns after 7 games. Through 7 games he has thrown more touchdowns than John Elway ever threw in one season, 4 less than Joe Montana's highest total, and 5 less than Johnny Unitas' highest season total. He is currently averaging 3.857 TD's per game, His high is 6 this year, and he hasn't thrown less than 3 in a game. If he averages 2 per game the rest of the season, he'll finish with 45 (4 short). If his average "falls" to 3 for the rest of the season, he'll finish with 54 TDs (plus 5). It's a veritable Oaf guarantee that he'll break it, and I'll put his final tally at 56.

Tom Brady should impregnate the ladies in this order Giselle, Jessica Alba, Erin Andrews, and Jessica Biel.

2) Joe Torre: will or won't coach again in the major leagues?

If I were Joe Torre, I'd pack it up and go to SoCal so that I could play golf all year long. He has enough money, rings, and playoff appearances, plus he's old. Relax, drink cocktails, and ride out the rest of your time on the links......or hanging out with the family.....yeah, the links.

3) Were you or were you not recently on the back stretch at Churchill Downs visiting the stalls of D. Wayne Lukas? If so, how do you explain your tardiness in reporting on this marquee event (you toothless salt cricket)?

This is a fact. I was holding out for a one on one interview with Oprah. Unfortunately the queen of self promotion never called.

A guy that works for my company owns a 15k dollar claimer and has it in one of the barns behind the track at Churchill. When I was in the Lou', doing some training, he took me and another co-worker out to visit his horse and see the backside. It was pretty spectacular. I never realized this, but there's a community of people who live and work in the stables on the backside. There are a few small apartment complexes, some apartments above the stables themselves, and a handful of community bathrooms and showers. In the busy season, that are nearly 1500 people who live and work back there. That's almost more than the population of Georgetown, IN (the suburb of the Knobs where I grew up).

We cruised by D. Wayne Lucas' stall, which was easily the nicest and most decorated.

The only downside was that I wasn't able to go see the Derby stall. This is where any horse that races in the Derby can hang out for the year. The have the entire year to use the stall, and from what I heard, they are very nice.

Most importantly, in seeing this 15K claimer and asking some investigative (monetary) questions along the way, it has become very clear that the pipe dream of Hainted Farms.......is no pipe dream at all. It is very doable, and more than likely will happen at some point. I urge everyone to keep their eye out for a 25-1 Derby darkhorse named Irma's Haint in the future.

4) Josh Beckett, kin to Superman or Optimus Prime?

This is all hearsay, but rumor has it that Josh Beckett's mom is She-Ra and his father is Optimus Prime. Now, I'm not quite sure how sexual intercourse works between machines and humans, but regardless, that is a potent combination. It's no wonder he throws 98 mph heat that no one can hit. It's also no coincidence that She-Ra's brother is Rick Vaughn.

Oil Can's questions for Ivan Drago:

1) Who would you rather have sex with: Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, or Suzy Kolber? Why?

Nice going partner. One question in and I can tell the weekly podcast is gonna house more than a few gutter balls. Somebody cancel my membership to Toastmasters.

Having said as much, I'll play along.

Since I’m not a foot-tapping Senator who moonlights in airport stalls, I’m opting for Suzy K. Besides, Suzy always seems so....pleasant. Plus, I can apply the Jekyll/Hyde bedroom coefficient which universally recognizes that nice girls = naughty in the sack. In summation, Suzy not only deserves a X-mas card from the Deporters; she's also a virtual lock to be a card carrying member in the category: "unlikely owners of bedroom whips and chains."

2) Who are the top 5 hottest sideline reporters of all time? Who would win in a naked mud wrestling cage match with the other 4?

Even better. We went from throwing gutter balls to swimming in pond scum with Dante in just two questions. I hope my mom isn’t reading this (might replace “mom” with “everyone” by week's end).

Three of my five will be familiar: Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington, and Lisa Guerrero. My fourth entrant is from ESPN Deportes (for all the right reasons): Adriana Monslave. And my final "sideline" hottie is Knobber Kristy Pierce who admittedly isn’t a sideline reporter. BUT she once adorned the Floyd Central sidelines as a dazzler and has since become a mega-babe. In other words, this categorical manipulation is 100% acceptable (see #4 in "The Rules of Engagement").

As for who'd win in the naked, mud cage, I’m going with Arrington who once said of Melissa Stark, “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” That comment has to make her the morning line favorite.

Anecdotally, if we could somehow (!?!) get these five to wrestle naked, I'd set the over/under for the number of tickets we could sell at 200 million: every straight American male plus a solid 40 – 50 million internationals and illegals.

Call Don King; see what us three "promoters" can do about this one.

3) Coming from a guy who says that he won't buy cigarette stocks, how can you support Kelvin Sampson and his low moral fiber? Huh, dude?

Only a greaseball codger like yourself could produce a question like this. I'll expect more of these in the future.

On my morality meter, minor recruiting infractions (a few extra texts to a bff) are about a gazillion notches more acceptable than reaping profits from the slaughter of mankind. Maybe you should throw on some Wranglers and a wife beater (better make it an XXL) and light up a Marlboro for our readers; I'll come snap a pic and we can post it next week.

4) IU, UL, UK hoops, who makes a run of it this year? When are we going to introduce these people to the Mark Cuban movement?

Got to respect Pitino's job with a young Cards team last year. They are deservedly ranked the highest (at #6) amongst this trio preseason. But I’m still not convinced the Cards have enough ammo for a run in '08. My gut says they’ll be too inconsistent on offense.

I looked at Kentucky’s roster and recognized three names. That ain’t good. Accordingly, I can only muster one definitive positive about the Wildcats' hardcourt season: we're guaranteed to see Ashley Judd. Granted, that beats the positives for 2/3 of the Big Ten, but it still doesn't make for much dancing in March.

That leaves the Hoosiers. Normally I’m hesitant to put much stock in a team that is going to ride a freshman, but I’m going against the grain because of Eric Gordon’s skill set (extends the floor, natural shooter/scorer).

To go with Gordon, the Hoosiers have a dependable, albeit slightly overrated, occupier of front court space in D.J. White. Their backcourt is experienced and can defend. So....if A.J. Ratliff can pass a few classes (he’s academically ineligible this fall) and the team can come to grips with a freshman being the main scoring option (Gordon will account for 16 or more pts a game), I think IU is capable of wreaking a little havoc amidst the Madness. Don't get me wrong: the start of the season will be bumpy, but I think "my boy" Sampson will have them ready come March.

Pencil the Hoosiers in for the Elite 8.

Cuban = manana.