Horse Collars, Dick Jauron, DNA Sequencing, Vertigo, The Tribe, & “Titties Bro.”

1) The horse collar is still an allowable tackle in college football?!?!?! A correlated question for the NCAA: hear that snare drum in the distance? That would be a massive lawsuit marching towards your door.

The NFL found that the horse collar led to “several lower extremity injuries” in 2004. Thanks to safety Roy Williams, this tackle even has a namesake and a known perpetrator. I'm currently envisioning the day when a collegiate wide receiver gets paralyzed from a horse collar and then hires Billy Dee Williams as his spokesman:

I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the word “courage,” 24 hours a day. I luv Brian Piccolo Horse Collared Jones, & I’d like for you to luv him too.

And yes, those are eight-digit $$$ spinning on BPHCJ's arbitration settlement slot machine (big bucks, no whammies, stop!).

For bringing this blatant bit of negligence to light, I think I deserve two 50-yard line tix to the Florida – Georgia game next year (compliments of the NCAA). The world’s largest college party needs me, and I need a reason to resurrect my “More Cowbell” T-shirt.

Myles Brand: I’ll tell my secretary (roommate) to be expecting your call.

2) I’ve always liked the Bills. Great fans, through decades of heartbreak. And let’s be honest, the city of Buffalo is low on marketable assets.

Brutal loss to the Cowboys on Monday, but really, were you surprised? Let’s face it, the Bills "do" losing (thanks in part to their Erie coast offense). Moreover, if you didn’t know and had to guess which NFL team Dick Jauron coached, wouldn’t you start with the Bills? As Jauron walks up & down the sideline with that misty-eyed stare that makes you wonder if he drinks alone at night, aren’t you thinking: “the Bills are gonna find a way to lose this game.” This observation doesn't thrill me; Jauron seems like a genuinely nice guy. But you know where nice guys always finish.

3) I just called the DNA bank at Northwestern to do some ancestry research for NFL players. I randomly decided to give Javon Walker’s name a shot. In truth, I was expecting dozens of DNA matches – people from all over Africa. To my surprise, Northwestern could only find one match with the same DNA sequence. It was Donald Driver.

4) In a sure sign that I’m suffering from vertigo: Boston College, South Florida, Missouri, South Carolina, Hawaii, Kentucky, Illinois, and Kansas are now in College Football’s Top 20.

If my alma mater, Indiana, makes the Top 20, I’m moving to Area 51.

5) The Cleveland Indians are still rolling, despite the fact that every American not living in Ohio can name more Indians from Major League (Vaughn, Sorrano, Hayes, Doran, Jake, the smokin’ librarian who totally counts). Speaking of the movie, how great was Bob Uecker: “We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.”

Your mission for the day should you choose to accept it: learn six players from the 2007 Indians before the World Series so that you’re not 100% bandwagon when they win it all (and they will).

Your reward: the world’s largest mosquito net for the ticker tape parade.

6) Finally, we the people need to revive the phrase “titties bro” in conversational usage. If you missed its hey day the first time around, consider this a mulligan.

Oil Can: you’ve been bottom feeding in our FF League for five straight years. Nonetheless, you always send me your dues on time (unbeknownst to you, I’d keep your money regardless of your finish). That’s solid work on your part: titties bro!