Gossip Girl > The NBA

Unlike my counterpart in these pages, I have trouble finding the fantastic in the NBA. I’m not enamored with the parts (regular tanking + lack o’ defense + the Eastern Conference + long-ass season) or their sum (another championship in the southwest). And yes, I’d rather watch the CW’s billionaire heiresses of the Upper East Side.

Granted, I know this acknowledgment will be viewed by many as verification that my cajones are shrinking at breakneck speed. If you're in that category, I offer this retort (a la Cosmo): “I would appreciate it if you would cease and desist so that I might be allowed to pursue my courtship with Gossip Girl unfettered.” Besides, Gossip Girl has rocketed to the #3 slot in my TV Top 5 (#1: Friday Night Lights, #2 House, #4 Heroes, #5 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

In other words, the NBA really isn’t in GG’s league.

What does this all mean (if anything)? In literal terms, it means that I’ll be watching the ‘07/’08 NBA season during commercials on the CW. On an average night that probably equates to ten minutes of live NBA action: a prefect allotment. Besides, if by chance something extraordinary happens (doubtful), I can always order Season 61 of the NBA on Netflix.

There’s one added bonus to only seeing snippets of games during flip-to’s and Sportscenter highlights: I’m in the position to make predictions based on very limited information. It’s like watching the NFL draft and knowing (!) that some player in the top 20 will flop because he looks slower than molasses during the five-second highlight montage that Mel Kiper wheels out. Examining the NBA, through the Gossip Girl looking glass, allows me to showcase my natural talents as a prognosticator while infuriating my friends who are TNT junkies. An ideal prospect.

So without further adieu, here are some predictions for this NBA season after one week one of “viewing.”

1) In a year of sports excellence in Beantown, the Celtics’ triumvirate (Pierce, Allen, and Garnett) has a chance to steal the cake. I don’t know how good they’ll be in the end, but you can tell: 1) these guys genuinely love basketball 2) they respect each other 3) they’re still in good physical condition 4) they’ll be competitive in the anemic East and 5) this is hands down the best storyline this year in the NBA.

2) Jeff Green’s “silky smooth” collegiate game will translate to “he’s a step too slow” in the NBA.

3) Andrew Bynum will have a breakout year. The kid has enough upside to make the Lakers one year and one (big) signee away from being very competitive in the West. Kobe stays put in LaLa.

4) Kevin Durant needs a crash course in shot selectivity. You can’t hoist fade away 27-footers and transition to the defensive end with a 24-second shot and the NBA’s up-tempo game (especially with the long rebounds that come off from behind the arc).

5) Dwight Howard’s ascent towards Mount Olympus takes another (long) stride forward this year. If the Magic make the playoffs, Howard finishes in the Top 5 in Player of the Year voting.

6) The Bulls will wish they had Tyson Chandler instead of Ben Wallace. I always thought Chandler’s game was underappreciated. Not to mention, he's only 25: there’s still upside in the tank. Ben Wallace’s best years are driving around the Motor City.

7) If given a choice, as I wait for Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf to return from commercials on the CW, I prefer the Warriors. When it comes to Nelly and the gang in Golden State: “I saw her face, and now I’m a believer.”

Editorial note: was hoping the Weekly Podcast would be posted today. It would have included a Cuban update of sorts. But Oil Can hasn't been heard from in days. He's probably down at Sammy O's Tavern throwing back Bud Heavies with Kramer and Storey. I'll give him an earful when he resurfaces.